Li’l B*Hole Comix

My B*hole’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble…

Hey la, hey la my B*hole’s back!

And now your turn to caption. What’s that scamp ghost “O Yeah” up to now?

49 is just fine!

49 States that is.

So, ever since the election there had been a lot of hullabaloo about Texas wanting to secede.

I say let ’em.

Texas is basically “North Mexico”, only controlled by bigoted assholes. Other than oil, the state’s biggest exports are cheerleaders, stupid presidents, and backward textbooks.

Seriously, other than Austin, the state is pretty much a waste.

Tex-ass is also a huge drain on our tax dollars. They suck up tons of federal funding, which is basically the height of irony, don’t you think?

However, the powers that be say the Lone Scar State is rich enough, what with their oil and all, to be their own nation.

Of course that means they’ll have to “Nationalize” (I.e. governmentally own) all their oil resources. I wonder how the oil companies and owners will cotton to that Socialism?

But if Texas is still hellbent on leaving, I say they put it to a vote for all its residents. But I also recommend as part of the ballot asking them to spell “secede”.

If they get it wrong, it counts as an extra vote to leave.

Of course, if they do vote to form their own Republic, then we would just need them to write us a check for their part of the national debt before leaving.

We’ll just wait for it to clear.

In the mean time, we can have a flag redesign contest. The easiest solution would be to go back to 48 stars (we could always make Alabama a parting gift.)

Or we could finally make Puerto Rico a state and maintain the 50 Stars.

Either way, I think the United States would be much better off without its biggest divider.

Why-ku Wednesday (Tickle Me!)

Be it puppet or
Child, one truth holds. They are all
Ticklish inside.

Can’t be hateful, gotta be grateful!

Mashed potatoes on my table!

Ok– it was only a matter of time. There is now a “new” Rebecca Black wannabe out there.

And this song is all about giving thanks:

It is so deliciously bad (and not nearly as painful as Friday)! You simply must watch. Trust me on this.

The lip syncing is horrendous, the lyrics are terrible, and the rap. My god… The RAP!

Stick it out at least to the 2:57 mark. I seriously lost my shit at that point.

You are all welcome.

Skyfall: A Review

Ok, perhaps this will be less of a review and more of an observation/gripefest. Meaning no spoilers, m’kay?

In a nutshell, this was a very good movie– but it wasn’t a Bond movie.

Allow me to explain.

Yes, the movie has the same characters (M, Q, Bond, Moneypenny, etc) and he’s still a roguish 007 agent for MI6. And yes, he has to come to the rescue of queen and country.

But that’s it. It might as well have been Mission Impossible V: The Knock List Revisited.

It’s like they rebooted the Bond franchise, and in doing so wiped the slate clean of all quintessential Bondness.

Gone are the gadgets, the shaken not stirred martinis, the arch villains (and even more arch henchmen), the womanizing, and the double-entendres.

No more Pussy Galore. No more Jaws. No more Aston Martins with ejector seats. No more tongue-in-cheek humor.

Instead we get… realism. We get a damaged and human Agent Bond thrown into pulled-from-the-headlines cyberterror crises of state.

I’m not saying it isn’t good– it just isn’t “Bond”.

The main character’s name might as well have been James Hunt. Or James Solo. Or James Steed.

So, while I thoroughly enjoyed the latest Bond film, I can’t help also feeling a bit disappointed by it, too.

I’m an old school Bond purist who relished the escapism and sheer bombast of it all. And evidently that James Bond is dead.

They killed him before the opening credits.

I’m gonna have to add a small tear to my little octopussy tattoo.

A Call To Blogs

As was recently pointed out to me, I had a lot of dead blogs in my blog roll.

So I culled them.

And now my reading/blog list is a bit… Spare. So I am tossing bit out to you folks.

Who should I be reading that I’m not? Do you have a blog that I haven’t linked yet in my roll?

Help me out here– I need procrastination!!

Oh, and until my Skyfall post on Monday, I leave you with a couple ginger sorbets…

You know. To cleanse the palate.

The one in orange and grey was my favorite.

I have a thing for guys with auburn hair it seems.

Blogarazzi

Last night I agreed to meet a “stogger” (blog stalker of mine) for dinner and drinks.

Long story short? It was hands-down the best first date that I have ever been on. Which is truly unfortunate since he lives halfway across the country.

And already has a partner.

And it was never a “date” for him.

Allow me to back up.

PG (I shall call him PG, as those are his initials) discovered my blog through the blog kindness of others, and has followed me ever since. This is in spite of the fact that he doesn’t himself blog. Or tweet. Or bookface. Or anything!

Philistine.

Anyway… He knew where I lived and was going to be in town for business, so he dropped me an email and proposed meeting up for dinner.

At first I was afraid. I was petrified. Mainly because I couldn’t find a digital imprint of him anywhere and couldn’t figure out exactly who he was. I mean, I remembered exactly one particular conversation we had had in the past…

And that was it.

I didn’t know what he looked like, if he had any restraining orders, and if he might be “my number one fan”, etc. But my curiosity was definitely aroused.

And of course my ego was stroked, because hey. Blogging is all about external validation, right? And this guy follows my blog and hit me up for din din.

So after about 15 seconds of internal debate, I agreed.

I picked PG up at his hotel like a hooker– I even asked if he was “datin'” and how much he cost (yes, those were my actual first words to him) and then drove us to dinner.

I nearly drove us the wrong way down a one-way street as I was a bit… Distracted.

PG is ridiculously handsome. And I mean ridic. And charming. And full of energy. And fun. And smart! And did I mention handsome??

In other words, precisely the type of guy that would never go for me in a million years.

Regardless, we immediately started a burbling conversation the moment his ass landed in my car, and this conversation didn’t cease until I dropped him back at his hotel.

Have you ever met someone where conversation was just so effortless and you had similar frames of reference for everything and knew the same pop cultural bits and you had stories to tell and they had stories to tell and you couldn’t wait to share more and listen more and laugh more?

Yeah. That.

As my dear readers have probably picked up on, I’m mostly a bit of a loner. The majority of my time is spent keeping my own company and I don’t have many friends. Some friends, yes, but not many.

And I worry that the friends I do have don’t really get me as I can be a bit… quirky.

Ah, I bet y’all picked up on that too.

Most of the time I go through life feeling a bit alien. I interact with people, but I don’t seem to connect with them. I am not so egotistical that I think I’m on a different level or anything (although sometimes that factors in). It’s more like I’m always just slightly out of phase with everyone else.

I’ve lived this way for so long, I just sort of accept it as the natural way of things and don’t give it a second thought. And it takes a night like last night to remind me just how alone I am.

Because last night I suddenly, shockingly, happily wasn’t so alone anymore. I got to meet someone that got me and I felt connected…

Phase-matched.

I haven’t felt that way in a really really long time.

Case in point: over a beer, we were waxing rhapsodic about the giant crystal cavern in Mexico and how fucking cool it would be to visit them. I was going on about how giddy I would be, running around and sliding down them and how I wouldn’t care that the atmosphere is toxic and I would pull off my respirator even…

And I pantomimed being a kid and licking one of the big crystals.

And at the same time, and in the same Ralph Wiggam voice we both said, “Tastes like burning.”

Much laughter ensued.

And that may also have been the point where I fell the wee-ist bit in love with him.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and this stogger meet-up was no exception. He was here for business and needed to get back to his hotel to prepare for the next day.

Dropping him off was much more difficult than I was prepared for.

It’s hard to go back to the status quo, ya know?

Re-reading this post, I know how it sounds. But I’m not going to edit it. Even though I know PG will read this and probably delete all links to my blog afterward.

But I don’t care.

Actually that’s a lie. I do care.

I hope that we can somehow forge a friendship– even though he lives so far away and made it miserably clear that he is happily partnered/married/boyfriended.

But being a realist, I know that it is highly probable this singular meeting will be it, and that distance and circumstances will prevent us from ever hanging out again.

Such is the nature of the universe, I fear. That being said, I’m only left with this:

PG, it sure was nice to meet you last night. It was a lovely, refreshing three hour oasis for me.

I thank you for that.

Fellata-what??

I saw this at the post office the other day:

Contrary to what I was envisioning, it was NOT a soft-core, Santabear porn magazine.

I Voted…

Did you?

I hope so. America doesn’t ask much of its citizens, so at the very least you can take a couple hours to vote for the folks who are driving the bus.

This was a big election for Minnesota. Two constitutional amendments were on the ballot, as was Michele “The cunt” Bachmann.

Just in case you were wondering (and because I don’t really care if my vote is kept secret), I did the following:

– Obama/Biden
– Amy Klobushar
– NO to the addition of both amendments

If I could have voted against Bachmann, I would have. But she isn’t in my district.

And now, I’m sort of avoiding all election coverage, because I know the election won’t be done tonight.

There’s been too many voting “irregularities” so far.

Besides– the constitutional amendment vote results will most likely depress me.

MDNA

I saw Madonna in concert on Saturday. It was really a good show!

I’ve never seen Madge in person, but I have seen videos of a couple of get concerts. And I’ve always liked her shows.

I enjoy the theatrics. And this show had plenty.

But first– part of the fun foe me was checking out the crowd. It was mainly comprised of gays and middle aged women. Women dressed… How shall I put this?

I think Nina Garcia said it best: wearing clothes that are tight, shiny, and short is the quickest way to look cheap.

It was positively dollar general.

Some of what I saw:

If it wasn’t back tattoos, it was sagging cone bras. Oh well.

Then Madonna took the stage, and “Spectacular, Spectacular” began.

My favorite bits were:

– opening chant into Girl Gone Wild
– Express Yourself/Born This Way with the Drum Majorettes and the floating snare drummers
– Give me all your Lovin’
– Vogue
– Open Your Heart (cool new version with world beat percussion)
– Like a Virgin (sad blues waltz treatment)
– I’m a Sinner/Cyber-Raga
-Turn Up The Radio

The multi-tier moving stage and the LED wall were excellent. As we’re the contortionist dancers.

Creepily contortiony.

The show was wonderfully choreographed and fascinating to watch.

Madonna also did her political spiel, and thankfully I only heard one or two boos.

And when she talked about Voting No- the place erupted in cheers louder than I heard it all night.

I will say (and if The Lisp is reading, I give him credit for this), during Like a Virgin, I was moved to yell “I LOVE YOU MADONNA!” During a quiet moment.

I think she heard. I think most of the arena heard.

I think Kyle was mortified.

But I had fun, and that’s what counts. Totally worth the price of admission.