On Blowjobs

Q: Why does a bride smile on her wedding day?

A: Because she knows she’s given her last blowjob.

This joke works because there is more than a little truth present, and the thing is– I get it. Blowjobs suck.

Or more correctly: giving a blowjob is a LOT of work and not a lot of reward.

Ask a gay guy if he likes sucking cock, he’ll probably say “Hell yeah!” But then ask him would he still like it if he never, ever got a blowjob in return.

I bet the enthusiasm would dampen quite a bit.

Now, I don’t want to give everyone the wrong impression here. I like giving head. It’s a fun way to explore a guy’s body, it’s a great part in the foreplay repertoire, and most guys really REALLY like getting them. So it’s nice to be the source of pleasure.

Plus, it can be fun testing what techniques make the guy squirm: hard and fast, slow as a snail, tongue flicks under the head, light lower teeth on the shaft, hand, no hand, tongue scrub, deep throat… The list goes on.

But here’s the deal. Tit for tat, man. If I’m gonna suck you, you need to return the favor. I want some oral gratification, too. I’m not going down on you for my health!

Let’s face it: giving a blowjob is really kind of a chore more than anything. It’s not like the penis magically makes your mouth tingle and sends pleasure waves down your spine. Quite the contrary, it’s generally uncomfortable.

Most guys want to sit or lay down and have you service them. Therefore you are on your knees, head bent down awkwardly to accommodate the dick angle, jaw and tongue and lips getting a hefty workout. Your jaw gets tired, your vertebrae pinched and sore, and yes… You can get a bit bored with it. Especially if the guy gives you no feedback.

Nothing is more frustrating than throwing every tongue trick in the book at a guy’s dick, and to have him just lay there, eyes closed like he’s meditating.

Wait, I take that back. More frustrating than that are the throat fuckers. You know, the guys who are less about getting a blowjob and more about using your face hole. Their sole purpose is to make you gag with their cock. Violently.

I realize some guys really get off on being gagged. That’s great. More power to ya. But I, however, am not one of them. Retching is not fun for me. Having tears and snot run down my face is not a good time in my book. And vomit does not make a good lube.

Just FYI.

And the throat fuckers are often the “manly ones” who don’t reciprocate. It’s all about you servicing them. Yeah I’d like to see them choking on MY dick sometime, see how they like them apples.

Which sort of seques into the topic of “blowjobs with purpose”. What I mean by that is: As fun and nice as blowjobs can be as part of foreplay, sometimes a bj is the whole sexual event. It’s just about getting the guy off with your mouth.

This can be fun, too. It’s meant to be quick and easy sexual adventure. Better than a handjob (because guys give those to themselves all the time) and less “involved” than full on sex. And it can be gratifying for both parties. The suckee gets a warm, wet mouth with no messy cleanup, and the sucker gets the creamy reward and the knowledge that he made the dude bust his nut with his oral skills.

Win-win.

Unless it drags on. And on. And on. And then we are back to it being a fucking chore again. If I’m the sucker, I’m starting to get frustrated at the five minute mark. If I see progress toward the Big O, sure I keep going. And with alacrity, I might add. But if not? I better be getting some feedback from the guy on how to speed up the damn process.

At eight minutes, I’m gonna resort to oral plus hand. A lot of hand.

And at ten minutes, I’m most likely to tap out. I can only be responsible for another’s orgasm so much. While I’m down there, I definitely give it my all. But if after ten minutes of oral administration the dude still isn’t feeling it? Yeah. Dunzo. Time for him to take matters into his own hands. Because to me, we’ve passed the point of diminishing returns.

I mean, It gets to be a helluva lot of work for a tablespoon of salty liquid, no?

Any thoughts?