I met a Marine this past Saturday night, and it sucked. Not in the good way, either.
My tragic friend Frank had been taunting me with said Marine (named, of all things, ‘Rod’) for weeks. “Oh, cb!” he would say. “You have to out with us one weekend when Rod goes. You’ll LOVE him. He’s a Marine. He’s big. He’s cute. He’s your type! We gotta hook you guys up.”
Well, evidently this just goes to show exactly how much Frank DOESN’T know my type. Or understand the word “big”.
When we all arrived at this straight bar in Chapel Hill, I was desperately searching the horizon for Mr. Marine. My eyes were firmly trained at the 6’2″ level- looking for a jarhead haircut and guns for days.
While our group is in the parking lot, this nondescript guy saunters up to our group a few minutes later. I ask Frank when the marine is going to get his ass here, to which he replies, “He’s right there!” while pointing at the sauntering guy.
Oh. You mean the half-pint, non beefy, hairless dude in flipflops and jeans who walks like he’s got a cob shoved up his ass? THAT’S the Marine who’s virtues you’ve been touting?
I just wanted to go up to the guy and say, “Ohhhh! Wook at the widdle man! You are just so cute! Yes you ARE! What a cute, widdle spinner you are!”
So not “big”. And so not cute either.
After a painful few minutes of conversation with the guy, I realized that he was hopelessly closeted still, quite full of himself, and had a firm ZERO on the personality scale.
After getting tired of his B.S. I decided to get him going by asking him if it were true that all Marines are bottoms. This got sort of an embarassed laugh and a half-denial from him. He spent the rest of our conversation telling me of his ex-girlfriends, how his latest ex-girfriend knew about how he occasionally liked guys, how he still likes chicks, how sorta liking guys too doesn’t make him gay at all, how he doesn’t “date” guys, how he bangs whores at the base with his buddies, and how a guy “outed” him to his family.
Good times. Wait— he was OUTED? But I thought he wasn’t gay. Hmm.
I decided to pry a bit and he told me the whole ‘outing’ story– he was “roommates” with a buddy for a couple years. (No, he doesn’t “date’ guys… nah.) Took him home for Thanksgiving. Guy got drunk and outed him to his ex girlfriend and his family when he told the girl to back off because Rod was HIS now. Big family argument ensues. Dad kicks Marine out of house. But Mr. Marine didn’t kill “roommate”- they make up and remained friends “roommates” for a while after.
After he finished this story, I just looked at him and said, “Wow. Your ex boyfriend REALLY must have been a good top ’cause otherwise you would have tossed his ass out… right?”
This earns me a rather feeble icy glare. Oooo- look out, al qaeda! Then to show how manly he is, he goes over and starts hitting on a fat chick because we are at a ‘straight’ bar and he needs to be ‘straight’.
Whatever, little man.