Just For (Brazilian) Men

One of the perks of being Kyle’s friend (besides getting to smell like high priced organic hair product) is that he has access to the bizarre underworld of Salons.

Case in point:  last night we watched a salon instructional video on how to perform Male Brazilian Waxing.

(The udders above are farily representational of what we saw… um, except there was just ONE bright pink thing in the video last night.)

I do NOT recommend this procedure to anyone- unless you are a masochist.  In which case I would highly recommend to your dungeon master to pick up a heating unit, some wax, wooden applicators, muslin strips, and to keep them all handy next to the St. Andrew’s Cross in the basement.

Why any man would get a Brazilian Wax job is just beyond comprehension.  As men, we get a free pass on the whole ‘being hairy’ thing while women get totally hosed by social mores and folkways.  So why not take advantage of that?  Plus hairy = masculine.  Did some people not get this memo?  Who wants to look like you did when you were 12?

I don’t know about everyone else, but I was a late bloomer and went through a lot of pain and humiliation before I finally got the ‘hair down there’.  Why the fuck would I get rid of it through even MORE pain and humiliation??

If you are really dead set on “deforestation”, don’t use the Brazilian clearcut and burn technique.  Use a good ol’ chainsaw (aka Mach III razor).  I mean, Jebus!  Squat over a mirror and do it yourself.  Or simply find yourself a kinky barber instead.

There are men out there (I know, I’ve chatted with them) who pay good money to be able to shave another man’s junk.  I’m sure there’s a chatroom somewhere on the internets dedicated to this particular hirsute pursuit called “men 4 shaving men” or something.  For fuck’s sake Google it.

Back to the instructional video.

The video contained a nude model and a full waxing procedure– from initial hair trimming to the last horrific rip of the muslin strip.  It was all deliciously sadistic.  I winced in sympathy and clutched a pillow to my abdomen– when I wasn’t giggling uncomfortably.

Oh, that poor, son-of-a-bitch victim model.

We never saw his face, but you sure saw everything else.  And he was a HAIRY mo-fo!  I couldn’t help wishing he was a bit more of a “show-er”, but under the circumstances, I completely understood.  His balls, however, were HUGE and quite dangly.  Oh, and the boy had fur-covered tree trunks for thighs.

There is evidently two types of wax that they use to remove your hair.  Soft wax is used on the upper pubic hair areas, but the sensitive regions get hard wax.  The model in the video did well during the upper removal… but when the hard wax started coming off ‘the boys’…..ouch.

You could see his stomach quivering because he was panting in pain- and when the sadist technician started yanking the hard wax off, his beautiful treetrunk legs would completely jump.  That poor fucker!  Kyle just kept saying “you KNOW he had to get paid a fuckload in order to do this”.

To top it off, when you are getting waxed, YOU have to help the technician by holding the skin “taut” in the area being waxed.  WHA??  Not only are you paying through the nose for pain, you have to help inflict it?  No fucking way, my friend.  Get a second technician in there to do it.  My hands would be too busy gripping the fuck out of the table and holding the wooden spoon in my mouth.

The technician was also pretty much manhandling his stuff– flipping everything this way and that in order to get the ‘wax on- wax off’.  By the end, the model’s balls were as red as a baboon’s ass.

And then came the best part of the video.  He turned over.

After the front side was done and after a bit of ‘technique review’, the video did a severe jump cut to showing our lovely model on all fours with a Resist-a-Ball under his chest.  Kyle and I absolutely roared with laughter at this- it was just so wholly unexpected to see legs spread, this hairy ass open, freshly ripped balls dangling to mid-thigh, all presented like he was in a Colt video.

The fucking wax company even had their own ball brand “the Brazilian Ball”.  Evidently this helps get the correct posture for waxing the ass and perineum (aka ‘taint’).  Our poor model also had to endure having his ass, crack, and taint waxed.  And yes, you have to use the hard wax around the sensitive ‘anus’.

Oh.  My.  God.

The back side went much quicker than the front side, and the ass cheeks offered vast tracts which could be easily and quickly denuded.  Then the technician rubbed lanocaine lotion all over his ass and crack when she was all finished.  I think I nearly wet myself laughing at the absurdity of it all.  Especially given the fact that to “properly maintain” this look, you would have to go though it all again in like 4 weeks!! 

This video absolutely in NO WAY sold me on the idea or the benefits of getting a Male Brazilian Wax.

It may, however, have sold me on getting one of those Resist-a-Balls.