Lately I’ve been feeling kind of invisible. When I’m out and about, or at the gym, or in my rehearsals, or even at work I try to be present and engaging. Like making eye contact. Or at least aware of my surroundings. And at all these places, it feels like I’m drifting by folks and they don’t even see me. No acknowledgement whatsoever.
Hell, it is even happening in social media. Like with the hot guy named Luca that I have chatted with at the gym. (Hell, I even saw him back off in the steam room!) But when I say “hi” on grindr? Silence.
My ghostly existence is most noticeable at the gym- this past Saturday being a prime example. I was in the weight area and three gays were using some of the equipment nearby and being rather chummy. I’ve met these guys on multiple occasions and talked with them all before. I looked over a few times and their eyes would drift “near” me, but it was like they didn’t see me. Until suddenly they finally looked in my direction! So I smiled, nodded, and did the half wave— only to find out they were looking at the guy just beyond me.
Not even a pursed-lip acknowledgement of my existence. How embarrassing!
Then to add a level of insult, a couple other gays wandered into the area and the three were all “hey girl hey!” I mean, c’mon!
Naturally this isn’t the only instance, it’s just the most painfully vivid. and recent.
Normally this behavior wouldn’t phase me too terribly much. Fags, am I right? But I’m really noticing it lately, and it’s bumming me out. Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe the seasonal change has me feeling extra lonesome. Whatever it is, is making me sensitive to my apparitional status.
So when bright spots come along, the seem blinding.
To wit: I received a text yesterday afternoon. It happened to be from a guy that I quite fancy. He was thinking about me (fondly, and a bit sexually) and told me so. And gosh was that nice to hear!
I thanked him and explained to him that lately I’ve been longing for a connection, ANY connection, with a guy. Even 2 seconds of prolonged eye contact. Anything to give me some hope. A bright spot. To maybe let me know that I’m still worthy of attention. Because most days i seem to exist in a vacuum.
He was very reassuring and very sweet. Filled my text window with lovely things. And if he weren’t already married, I’d do absolutely anything to date him. Anything.
But alas. He’s in a long term open marriage situation and that won’t be changing any time soon. Just my luck.
But People like Michael remind me that there’s still hope. And that I am seen. Ans appreciated.
Which is definitely something to be thankful for at this time of year.