I honestly wouldn’t have even remembered had it not been for the small envelope in my mailbox yesterday from Caldwell Parrish. They are the ones who handled my dad’s funeral arrangements.
When I saw it, at first I was confused as to why they would be sending me anything. But then the size of the envelope prompted me to think “small, condolence note”. Then it dawned on me— April 10th. My father passed away a year ago on this day.
I really would have forgotten, what with the Covid craziness, and work issues, and trying to find a new job, and mom’s health, and everything else that’s going on. I would have probably thought about it at some point this month, but probably not today. But their kind note reminded me.
I had a fitful night’s sleep, and I woke up at 3am to pee. This is not a normal time for me to wake up— and coincidentally it’s roughly the time dad passed last year. Which of course started my mind churning leading to more fitful sleep. And weird dreams.
Honestly I don’t quite know how I feel. I’m not particularly sad or introspective. I think I have some displaced emotions (like tearing up at commercials). I guess I sort of miss him, but we didn’t have a super close relationship. I do wish he hadn’t had cancer and was still alive and enjoying his retirement. It sucks that he struggled at the end, but I’m glad I was able to be there to help. And I’m infinitely thankful he left me well taken care of.
But mostly, it’s just a Friday. It’s also Good Friday- although that means nothing to me.
Anniversaries are funny things. Sometimes good, like for weddings and birthdays. Or sometimes bad, like 9/11 or Pearl Harbor. Some folks know the dates of everything— first kiss, first date, when they started their job, when they lost their virginity. Some people attach great import to their anniversaries, and for others the days pass unmarked.
I’ve never been one to attach much significance to dates (except my birthday). I don’t particularly want to make April 10th a thing. I’d rather just occasionally remember nice things about dad, and not have a hard stop every year.
It’s only been a year though. A crazy, busy, hectic, sad year. I’ll check back next year to see if my feelings change. Because you never know, right?