Bubble Boy

As I move through each day, it’s becoming more and more apparent that my entire existence is spent inside a bubble of sorts. Not a physical bubble, of course, but a societal bubble. A personal static warp field, if you will. (Yes I’m a nerd).

Whatever you call it, the end effect is isolation.

I really started noticing it last year. I mean really noticing. Not just noting times that I feel alone or lonesome, but being aware of a consistent daily pattern. And lately it just keeps presenting itself, even as I make concerted efforts to be social and active.

It’s almost like I’m invisible.

I have interactions with work colleagues, but it’s all necessity driven for the business. Otherwise, I’m left alone in my office. Not that I so much mind this, as I don’t like where I work or most of my coworkers. But still, sometimes it might be nice to have some more social moments at work to break up the monotony.

But there isn’t that interaction, so I spend a good nine hours of every day in a solitary manner.

Most nights I go to the gym– where nobody makes eye contact with me and I have very solitary workouts. Yes, I realize that guys at the gym are in a zone and exercising, as am I. But even fellow gays don’t return my smile or nod– they just pass by as if I’m a ghost.

And then they stop to chat with other gays.

I notice the invisibility continues as I walk through the skyways, malls, grocery stores, etc. Nobody makes eye contact or interacts. Some of this I attribute to people being glued to their phones.

But heck, I also find myself in an exclusionary bubble at choir, band, and volleyball. Sure there’s a natural isolation created by the fact that we’re busy rehearsing or playing a game– but at breaks or afterward? Unless I make a strong effort to walk up and insinuate myself into conversations, I will pass through these times sitting off to the side.

The harshest spotlight on my isolation happens at gay bars. Bars have never been my preferred milieu, but I kid you not when I say I can be at a bar that’s packed and still find myself with a good three feet of room around me. A sort of “no fly zone”. I watch other people flirt and touch and laugh easily. What’s their secret?

Now I’m fairly self aware and I’m continually analyzing myself until I’m in an echo chamber of ego-crippling self deprecation. And noticing my isolation brings up SO many questions.

Am I isolated because I secretly want to be? Ive examines this and no. I want friends. I like hanging with people and playing card games and generally being social. Maybe not all the time, but I do.

Is this just part of aging and gay life? Or some bizarre ripple effect from the loss of lives during the AIDS crisis? Again, probably not. I see guys my age in relationships and with a cadre friends.

Is it Minnesota? Maybe. It does tend to be hard here to make connections. But other people do it.

Then I start examining my potential flaws.

Am I scowling? Giving off an unapproachable vibe? Do I have “bitch face”? I don’t think so because I consciously put forth effort to smile and make eye contact and to relax my body language. But maybe I’m not schooling every micro expression?

Inevitably I spiral into “am I too fat? Too old? Too grey? Do I smell?” I mean, it must be something, right? And yes, I’m not “body ideal”. But I work out 5 days a week to improve it.

Or maybe… just maybe… it’s the fact that no matter how hard I try to put myself out there and how many activities I get involved in, I can’t hide the fact that I’m lonely. It still shines through somehow, and that is what pushes people away like some inverse patronus charm.

I don’t think I can fix that.

And that concerns me most of all.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Bubble Boy

  1. truthspew says:

    In my case I get surprised that people notice me. It may be where you’re located. I was born and lived five decades in Rhode Island and now I’m in the Atlanta metro area. Only know a few people in this area. One a former colleague and now good friend, her boyfriend and daughter. Plus the spouse and I have other friends in the Atlanta area and further into the state of Georgia.

  2. Old Lurker says:

    Don’t forget that incredibly handsome people can be intimidating. You might be too beautiful for other people to approach.

    Alternatively, maybe you are giving off vibes that are offputting. I do not think that strangers on the Internet can diagnose that effectively, however. Do you do therapy or counselling? Do you have some trustworthy acquaintances who can tell you what is what without beating around the bush?

    (There I go again trying to problem-solve instead of just compassionately listening. Sorry.)

  3. Mark in DE says:

    As intelligent, talented and good-looking as you are, it surprises me that you’re ever alone or feel lonely. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

    Old Lurker may be right about how beautiful people can be intimidating. My average-looking friend decided to approach an absolutely stunning man at a bar who was happy to chat with him. He actually said that he is often ignored at bars because he thought guys were intimidated.

    There may be something else going on. Do you have a longtime buddy (Kyle?) who will be honest and tell you straight up what might help?

    • cb says:

      Nah. He just calls me a slut and says I’m not serious about friends or a bf because I’m too slutty.

      • Mark in DE says:

        So, you’re not “serious about friends” because you’re slutty? Friends and sex don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Since he’s no help, you may want to consider trying therapy. Its the best money you can spend because its an investment in you.

  4. Ben says:

    A note from someone who knows nothing about you… I think it may be a vibe you give off. I say this because on this platform, you are witty, funny, and cute as ever. I am very engaged in everything you do; enough to keep me coming back for about 5 years now. I’m all for therapy in every situation. The better we understand ourselves, the better we are able to make life choices. Wish you the best.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s