So, I was selected as one of the 16 members of the Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus chamber ensemble. And I’m feeling… conflicted.
While I’m excited to have the opportunity to sing in a good, small ensemble, I can’t help but wonder if I really deserve to be there.
Because I feel my audition sucked.
I get super nervous when I have to audition for things- especially if it’s music related. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to music, yet I’m not good enough to expect that level of performance from myself. So all I hear are flaws. Which amplifies my anxiety.
It’s fairly debilitating, really.
I mean, I can do karaoke and be terrible and I don’t care. I’ll make it comedic or drink more or whatever. And if I’m auditioning for a solo, I’m not as stressed, because I know I’ll be ok if I don’t get selected.
But when auditioning for inclusion in a group (band, chorus, theater, etc) it’s either you’re in and you get this opportunity– or you’re out. And that stresses me out.
My tummy is oogy just typing all this.
Anyway, I was nervous and my audition was not great. The term “shit the bed” comes to mind. So I was basically prepared to be cut.
Only I wasn’t. I was selected.
Which makes me wonder if the director chose me out of pity or gave me some sort of pass because I’m a section leader. Or because I’ve kind of struck up a friendship with the new director.
And I would be upset if I was chosen for some reason other than talent.
Hence me being conflicted.
But it’s done, and I’m in. And now I just have to prove that I deserve to be there.
Oh! PS- the good news is that the director set rehearsals on Thursday instead of Monday, so I get to stay in band!