The following is my distillation/review of the new Star Wars offering. So if you have yet to see the movie— stop. Reading. Now.
You’ve been warned.
I’d turn back now if I were you.
Ok, so let me get this straight. JJ Abrams directs the next Star Wars movie (like the Star Trek “reimaginings”) and it has the following plot points:
On a desert planet, there is a hot shot pilot and a young, mechanically gifted person (abandoned by parents) who slaves away daily just to survive. But the force is strong with this one.
And there is a cute, bleep-blooping droid that has secret plans hidden inside, that becomes the focal point of a search for a fascist, power hungry regime as well as the resistance fighters opposing said regime. But the droid, orphan kid and a token black character escape on a decrepit smuggler’s ship with the objective of reuniting the bleep-bloop droid with “La Resistance”.
Aaaaand they quickly get captured in a tractor beam.
Oh, and there is another child that was born of the light, yet had been drawn to the dark side of the force. And said child has severe “daddy issues”– to the point of seeking guidance and apprenticeship from a great, dark lord.
Oh, and the kid wears a helmet that affects his speaking voice.
It is then revealed that there is a weapon of mass planetary destruction which only recently became fully operational and which is used for the first time to demonstrate its power against poor, unsuspecting innocent people. Millions of voices suddenly cry out in terror, and then are suddenly silenced.
Shockingly, the next target for the weapon will be the planet where the resistance force is located. Which is found when the smuggler’s ship is tracked there.
But then the girl is captured by the masked dark kid, but only after learning enough about the ways of the force to become a threat.
Details of this “star killer” weapon are reviewed by the resistance and lo! A weakness is found. So an attack plan is formulated, which requires the protective shield to be lowered in order to let an elite X Wing fighter squadron in.
A small band of “insurgents” with a bag of explosive charges rescue the girl, lower the shields and initiate the destruction of the weapon’s weak point. But not before a father confronts his dark-side masked son on a catwalk suspended perilously above a chasm.
After all, there is still good in him. Perhaps he can be rescued and brought back to the light.
It does not end well for one of them.
Meanwhile, the Star Killer weapon (with inexplicably no redundant backup failsafe system for its vulnerable point!) is then targeted by X-wings and the weapon destabilized to the point of self destruction. Just in the nick of time, too, as the weapon was fully charged and about to fire on the resistance!!!
The weapon explodes magestically as the resistance fighters fly away in triumph.
There is much rejoicing (yaaaaaaaay.)
The evil regime is stopped (for the time being) but the masked one presumably escapes to fight another day. Some people die. Some are reunited. There is sadness. And out of the ashes a young Jedi apprentice is born.
Oh, and there’s a space cantina full of odd, alien creatures all drinking and listening to space jazz.
Does any of this sound remotely familiar?