This was one of those weekends when the amount and type of physical rejection I received just seemed to be disproportionately large. And therefore a bit disheartening.
I decided That I needed to get out and be social– so to that end I went to a bar for a “Bearracuda” event. (Basically it’s a gay bear dance party). The music was good (and too loud) and there were plenty o’ menz about.
I actually had one rather handsome bearish guy flirt with me, which I rather enjoyed. He also danced with me and ground on me a bit (which I also liked).
What I didn’t enjoy was the fact that he proceeded to get more and more drunk– to the point of slurring and stumbling. He also would be dancing with me and then just leave. Disappear to “go find friends” or whatever.
Yeah. I decided to chalk this up to “he’s just not that into you. And an alcoholic.”
I was also online a fair amount this weekend as I was feeling a bit lonesome. (Never a good idea). I was looking for some “company” and for all the wrong reasons.
While I saw many fetching gentlemen online, 95% of the messages I sent out were met with stony silence. And the occasional response that I did get back was something like “Thanks.”
One word responses = meh, I’m not that into you but I’ll at least try to be polite.
When I’m online (scruff, Grindr, growlr, a4a, etc) I find that I always have to be the messager. I’m very VERY rarely the messagee. And I don’t get much of a response. Mostly I’m ignored, sometimes I get a polite dismissal, and occasionally I’m solicited for money.
And then there are the outright rude messages.
On Saturday, I was actually messaged first by a guy on Grindr. Let me start by saying that he did not have a profile photo at all, and he was younger and African American.
This is what he wrote:
Him: damn, you are one ugly motherfucker
Me: Ha. Well, I know this isn’t true, and you just proved to me that you are an ugly human on the inside.
Him: naw, you seriously ugly
Me: at least I have a pic visible and I’m not hiding what I look like
Him: you are too old to be on here, grandpa
Me: and you’re too black to be on here
(Okay, I’m not proud of that comment , but I was going for brutal)
Him: that’s not what yo momma said when I was choking her with it
Me: a lowbrow mom joke? Seriously? Another failure from our educational system. Enjoy prostitution or minimum wage.
And then he blocked me.
Naturally my rational mind knows his comments aren’t true and just mean-spirited. But when they come unsolicited, they tend to impact me differently. I mean, why? What prompted this out of the blue comment?
And then when you add in the number of ignores or “sorry, I fell asleeps” or “thanks, but not interesteds”– it starts to take a self-esteem toll.
Which isn’t helped much by all the people in relationships saying “oh, I’m sure you’ll meet someone.” Or worse “Why are you single??”
The $64,000 question. If only I could answer….