Fifty Shades of…

Well, it’s finally here. The movie version of the mommy-porn book Fifty Shades of Grey is dropping this weekend.

Along with the moist panties of middle-aged women all across America.

I don’t quite get the fascination that surrounds this story. I mean, I get just as turned on by erotic fiction as anyone else. But it’s not like I’m reading Faulkner– it’s FUCKner.

I will say I’m totally jealous of the woman who wrote this filth. She’s laughing all the way to the bank!

But let’s face it. She’s no J.K. Rowling. Hell, she’s not even Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings.

From the little I’ve heard (yes, heard, since I’ve been subjected to several passages read aloud), the prose bounces somewhere between painful and comical.

His breathing is ragged, matching mine.
“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.
“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.
“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.
“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah!


I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves. (137)

No, this woman basically churned out a harlequin romance novel with a BDSM twist and in a perfect storm of American boredom and Internet viral dissemination, the thing became a hit in book clubs and coffee klatches across the country.

And now it’s a movie.

Yeah, I don’t care how hot the guy is, I’m not even watching this one on Netflix.

Maybe I’ll see the musical though.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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9 Responses to Fifty Shades of…

  1. Chip says:

    50 Shades of zzzzz…..
    I think there were 3 books?
    Sadly, I think this movie is going to rake in $$$ at the box office.

  2. Blobby says:

    they’ve already done the bleeding scene in a broadway musical: it was called ‘Carrie’

  3. Yosemite Sam says:

    Great horny toads…that there filly done sprung a leak!!

  4. Partick says:

    On my way to the airport this morning, I was horrified to hear an ad on NPR for the Vermont teddy bear production of the 50 shades teddy bear that came with “accessories!”this is the same company that produces that 4 foot tall teddy bear that is advertised on TV with multiple smirking looks from smarmy looking guys. You know what I’m talking about.

  5. never read it, won’t see the movie, don’t care. porn is free on the internet.

  6. Mark, née Fuzz says:

    Oh, Lordy! I will never understand the ways of the heterosexual. Is that what passes for straight porn? Some dude earning a set of red wings?

  7. Dustin says:

    I read the first book, and it took a lot for me to finish the piece of crap. I was really just waiting for butt sex, which never happened. I got ten pages into book 2 and gave up. It’s such a stupid book, and she repeats the same crap over and over. She bites her lip. He breathes heavy. His cock. Her sex (her name for her vagina). Her inner goddess screams.

    Soooooo bad.

  8. Dustin says:

    Also there is no penis in the movie, so why bother seeing it. You can google his penis and look at it for free lol.

  9. Mark in DE says:

    “the musical” – LOL 🙂

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