It’s been about a week and a half since LA and Erick and I have indeed remained in communication. We have actually been texting. A lot. And also FaceTiming. For hours.
What the fucking fuck am I doing??
He’s 1,975 miles and two time zones away. He’s younger than me. He’s prettier than me. And he lives in gay Mecca, for cripes sake.
All rational thought is telling me this is just an artifact, an emotional ghost left behind by one fantastic day. It doesn’t have substance and will evaporate just like the fog in San Francisco.
My analytical self is telling me that it’s all a distance-assisted illusion. Erick is geographically unavailable so it’s easier (and safer) to like him. I’m emotionally insulated by miles of country. Plus distance (and heat) has a way of creating mirages. It’s easy to see things that might not really be there, or even to distort truths.
I also wonder if maybe this is all just a byproduct of my loneliness. I’ve grown weary of always being alone with no real dating prospects. So along comes this guy whom I find deeply attractive and he (for some inexplicable reason) finds me attractive back. So perhaps I’m leaping at the chance to change my status quo.
And… god! It’s only been about a week! How much do I really know about him? And about us? What if we can’t stand each other after a full day together? I mean, I can be highly annoying. And *technically* we still haven’t done “it”. What if sex is terrible?? (Given the way he kisses, it’s highly unlikely– but still….)
I know all this. Intellectually, logically, rationally I know all this. But I don’t care.
Fuck logic. Fuck rationality.
Erick’s easy to talk to. And nice. And intelligent. And “Midwestern”. And a thinker. And we have things in common without being identical. Everything with him is so very comfortable with him that it’s honestly a bit disconcerting.
And he’s so goddamn handsome! I don’t think I could ever grow tired of looking at him. And he has a certain look that is 100% pure sex.
All of this makes me feel like it would be very easy to give up being solitary and to share my existence– and that is quite a rare feeling for me. And yes, my brain has irrationally run pell mell down that path.
This is all very uncharted territory for me and I’m honestly a little spun off my axis here. Any words of wisdom for me at this point?