Erick Update

It’s been about a week and a half since LA and Erick and I have indeed remained in communication. We have actually been texting. A lot. And also FaceTiming. For hours.

What the fucking fuck am I doing??

He’s 1,975 miles and two time zones away. He’s younger than me. He’s prettier than me. And he lives in gay Mecca, for cripes sake.

All rational thought is telling me this is just an artifact, an emotional ghost left behind by one fantastic day. It doesn’t have substance and will evaporate just like the fog in San Francisco.

My analytical self is telling me that it’s all a distance-assisted illusion. Erick is geographically unavailable so it’s easier (and safer) to like him. I’m emotionally insulated by miles of country. Plus distance (and heat) has a way of creating mirages. It’s easy to see things that might not really be there, or even to distort truths.

I also wonder if maybe this is all just a byproduct of my loneliness. I’ve grown weary of always being alone with no real dating prospects. So along comes this guy whom I find deeply attractive and he (for some inexplicable reason) finds me attractive back. So perhaps I’m leaping at the chance to change my status quo.

And… god! It’s only been about a week! How much do I really know about him? And about us? What if we can’t stand each other after a full day together? I mean, I can be highly annoying. And *technically* we still haven’t done “it”. What if sex is terrible?? (Given the way he kisses, it’s highly unlikely– but still….)

I know all this. Intellectually, logically, rationally I know all this. But I don’t care.

Fuck logic. Fuck rationality.

Erick’s easy to talk to. And nice. And intelligent. And “Midwestern”. And a thinker. And we have things in common without being identical. Everything with him is so very comfortable with him that it’s honestly a bit disconcerting.

And he’s so goddamn handsome! I don’t think I could ever grow tired of looking at him. And he has a certain look that is 100% pure sex.

All of this makes me feel like it would be very easy to give up being solitary and to share my existence– and that is quite a rare feeling for me. And yes, my brain has irrationally run pell mell down that path.

Fuck.

This is all very uncharted territory for me and I’m honestly a little spun off my axis here. Any words of wisdom for me at this point?

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About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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21 Responses to Erick Update

  1. Carl says:

    I dont have any words of wisdom, but I will say this; As long as you aren’t hitting any pot holes, keep going forward. Is ther the danger that all these outside forces might cause it to end? Yes… But that is still no reason to break it off now.
    “For all sad word of tongue to pen, the saddest are these: ‘it might have been!’ ”
    John Greenleaf Whittier

  2. Jeffrey says:

    Definitely enjoy, and see where it leads 🙂

  3. Chip says:

    You never respond when I ask you are you seeing a therapist. Why not answer that question? It would be a great resource for you to deal with situations like this. There’s much more I could say, but let’s start with that.

  4. Brian D says:

    Answer these two questions as honestly as possible:

    What is the worst that could happen?

    What is the best that could happen?

    Then chuck the answer to the first question and focus on the answer to the second. You deserve to be happy, and you should give yourself permission to try. If Erick makes you happy, go with it.

  5. long-distance relationships CAN happen; bob was in CA, carlos was in FL when they met online. now they are getting married after being together in SC for 14 years.

    enjoy it, dear; learn all you can about him; ask questions; laugh; be happy.

  6. Terry says:

    Yes-it could all crash and burn. And it might not. I took a chance on a guy (and he on me) 18 years ago and we are still together, and still love each other, and LIKE each other, and still have hot sex. I’m so glad I didn’t let my fear keep me from experiencing something that turned out so well.

  7. Old Lurker says:

    Fuck “what if”. He may be in the gay mecca, but he likes *you*. So enjoy it, see if something feasible can come out of it, and don’t scare him away by being neurotic about it.

    The alternative to getting your heart broken is to be single for the rest of your life. Reading between the lines, I think you really don’t want to be single for the rest of your life. Yes, this might end, but sabotaging this because you don’t want to be hurt is not helpful either.

    I think your “analytical self” is not being all that rational. I think it is trying to rationalize your emotional shield. But I think your emotional shield is doing more harm than good at this stage of your life — hence the loneliness.

  8. Old Lurker says:

    Also: Stan from kitchenseasons.com is in much the same situation as you. He is in NYC; his boyfriend is in San Francisco. Here is an excerpt from one of his recent blog posts:

    —-

    As a side note, dinners have been relatively uninspired this week. I don’t have many fresh vegetables in the pantry, a side effect of having gone out of town for a while. I’m also missing B terribly. I can hardly find it within myself to cook the way I usually do. Although he’s not physically with me right now, he has a presence in the apartment even though at this very moment, he’s on the other side of the country.

    —-

    In other words: he’s hurting but it’s worth it. The post is at
    http://kitchenseasons.com/2014/07/10/basmati-and-wild-rice-with-chickpeas-cranberries-and-herbs/

  9. Blobby says:

    You’re thinking about it all wrong. Logic doesn’t factor into the feelings part at all. Run with it. The problems with ‘gay meccas’ are, there is ALWAYS someone else, so more often than not, people don’t meet – or anything else, so why should SF be a factor. Depending on your discussions, a long weekend there, or him w you, would tell something about compatibility. IF / Then……logic plays into it – and compromise. For both of you.

    But you you are putting the cart before the horse……and in some ways, closing the barn door so the horse can’t get out.

  10. james of the woods says:

    dont’ think too much.

    the man of my dreams came into my life and then left my physical presence one week later(and oh! what a week it was). when we decided that there was definitely something “there” that neither of us wanted to live without, i joined him and we have never looked back. that was 16 years ago and we are still the very best of friends and very much in love(and lust as well) and we have built a beautiful and rewarding life together. we know that we made the right decision even though, at the time, most of our “family and friends” thought we were insane for taking such a chance.

    the important thing to remember is that you deserve to be happy. you can’t fail until you give it a go and you can’t succeed until you give it a go, so……..give it a go!

  11. Northwest Ohio Native says:

    1. Have you never heard the phrase “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”?
    2. I leisure travel a lot and sometimes there really isn’t anybody else like them. You sound like you’re trying to sink the ship before it even leaves the dock.
    3. You know how many successful relationships started out “long distance”? A whole bunch. Just think about people you know in happy partnerships and how they met.

    (Don’t count on it, but just keep this in the back of your mind. I used to live in San Francisco. NOBODY stays there long unless they depend on the health system and/or need the rent control.)

  12. Stan Santos says:

    Lurker is correct.

    B and I have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year at this point. He lives in SF, I live in NYC. We met online , then in person a few weeks later and it was like all the clichés. You can fall in love at first sight, apparently.

    We keep in touch every day; Skype is the best tool ever invented. We also fly out to see each other every few weeks. He’s coming to town in 26 days…

    Anyway, things can work out if you’re willing, determined and able. Good luck. 🙂

  13. jason says:

    At the risk of getting ahead of myself, you’re showing all the signs that your relationship with Erick has long-term potential, especially the part about feeling spun off your axis. All of this is totally normal. Congratulations!

    Don’t let the long distance element stop you from pursuing this relationship. It’s very difficult, scary, expensive and can sometimes feel lonelier than not having a boyfriend at all. All you will want to do is hold his hand, and not being able to can be gut wrenching. But it is still beautiful at the same time.

    I know from experience – my partner and I dated long distance for a few years before I decided to move across the country and into his home. It was hard at times. Really hard. We managed to see each other about once a month (mostly thanks to him) and we’re still together (and happy!) more than 10 years after we met. We can’t legally get married in our state, but we call each other husbands.

    My suggestions:
    Keep talking, texting and FaceTiming for the next few weeks, and when it’s right, suggest a trip. Maybe he comes to see you in Minnesota before it gets too cold? Maybe you go to San Francisco, or maybe you both travel and meet in the middle? Spend a long weekend together and see what happens, organically and with no expectations. Keeping it short can take a lot of the pressure off.

    Don’t plan anything past this first visit, just let it flow. If things continue to go well, you will both be sad on the last day together and even worse the first day apart… but that’s when you talk to one another and plan the next visit. Send each other things in the mail in between – real letters can be even better than emails and phone calls, and even a small or funny gift can be nice.

    There is a benefit to having only limited in-person contact with someone you love: you won’t waste a minute when you are together. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like being able to see in color for for the first time each time you see the person. A simple meal becomes so memorable. That first hug off the airplane feels electric. Holding hands in complete silence feels so good. Pent up sexual desires have their own rewards, too. 😉

    Whatever you do, don’t start thinking about whether you should move to San Francisco or he should move to Minneapolis. Don’t worry about the age difference. Don’t worry that you haven’t done *it.* And don’t worry that you find yourself annoying! Enjoy what you have now, despite these issues that are justifiably rattling around your head. Just let it flow.

    With enough effort, in-person visits every few weeks, and plenty of conversations in between, it can work. Enjoy what you have now… and as someone said earlier, the only way to avoid being heartbroken is to stay single!

    I look forward to hearing more.

  14. Rick says:

    You’re such a worry wart sometimes!

  15. Tony says:

    My only advice is slow down your thoughts and let it ride. What happens, happens. It’s only been a week and half.

  16. Mark in DE says:

    My friend Mike met a guy at a gay campground in TX. They immediately hit it off, but the guy lived in Louisiana and Mike lives in DE. They worried if a long-distance relationship was realistic. Well, it wasn’t easy, but they felt it was worth it to try. Every few months they would visit each other. Eventually it felt right enough and the guy moved to DE to be with Mike. From others’ comments this is not an isolated case. Follow Jason’s advice above, don’t over-think it, and give in to your feelings. Good luck!!

  17. jason says:

    so…. any news on the Erick front?

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