Jon and Beth.

Those are the names of my fucking neighbors.

And I don’t mean “fucking neighbors” disparagingly. I mean that these are the neighbors whom I constantly hear doin’ the nastaaaay. Like last Thursday when I woke to them climaxing at 6:20 am.

How do I know their names you say? Well, it’s all very interesting! Saturday evening was our annual Lofts Party which is open to all residents. Iwas going to pass on it this year, but hey. Free food and beer. So I attended.

As did they.

And, as luck would have it, we ended up in the same “chat circle”! Squeeee!!!

It was interesting as we were all introducing ourselves I was the one that pointed out that we were neighbors but that we had never met. They either didn’t remember seeing me before or were good at pretending they didn’t remember.

But now we’ve met. Officially. No take backsies!

They are both younger — late 20’s? Early 30’s? Trim. Athletic. Attractive. He is a “talker” and she was more quiet (except in bed! Ooooo snap!)

He grew up in Sturgis. Ex military– as in roadside IED detonation in Iraq. (Um yeah. Sploosh.). But has a degree in some sort of retail geographical planning and now works for Macy’s corporate. She is from Ohio and works in some sort of government I really didn’t pay attention to because I don’t really care about her. And they’re outdoorsy folks, Subaru drivers etc.

Both were nice enough and we talked about the shitty winter weather, and jobs, and biking, and how we don’t know anyone in the building, and Cedar Point roller coasters, etc. It was all very pleasant.

But let’s focus on Jon, shall we?

Maybe 6’2″. Blondish/brownish slightly thinning hair that was styled decently. Chunky, “geek glasses” that work well on him since you can tell under those clothes he has a body going on. Handsome, and knows it. And comes across as mostly friendly but also a little bit “douchey”.

Like just cocky/douchey enough that you can totally imagine him buried inside you and saying “you like that big dick, don’t ya?” And then agreeing with him.

I first noticed it when he gave me the history of Cannondale and all their mountain bike innovations. But it was when he launched into his protracted explanation of the history of Sturgis and how the Sturgis “Scoopers” got their name that the pompous, douchey straight swagger really came out.

(Don’t ask about the Scoopers. Really.)

And yes, I did try to scope his package out in his dark wash denim, but it was too hard to tell what he was packing. Especially without being too obvious. My guess is that it’s more than decent though, given her sound effects when he’s knockin’ the bottom out of it.

It is also nice that I can finally put a face and a personality behind his “Ohhhhhh FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!” orgasm.

Good times.

And now they can picture me when they hear the occasional “Oh fuuuuuck yeah, stud! Tear up my mudpussy with that cuntwrecker!! Harder!! Deeper!! I ain’t gonna break, man– GIVE IT TO ME!! NAIL THAT FUCKHOLE!!!!!!”

Or some such.

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About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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12 Responses to Jon and Beth.

  1. Girl Tuesday says:

    um……… wow.

  2. Dave2 says:

    =sigh= I really need to brush up on my pillow-talk, I’m not nearly inventive enough.

    • cb says:

      Well david. You can always refer to your cock as a “cunt wrecker” or fuck stick, meat sword, custard chucker, twat torpedo, etc. And maybe talk about her slit/meat flaps/axe wound as your DNA dumpster. Tell her to take your baby batter or your “bro-gurt”.

      There’s lots of options. Search my blog for “euphemisms for…”

  3. Chip says:

    Thanks for the language lesson on synonyms. I think.

  4. “mudpussy” – never heard THAT one before.

  5. truthspew says:

    It will definitely make for a more interesting Lofts Party next year I’m sure. Because as you said they can now connect the noises emanating from your space. Might make for interesting conversations.

  6. Girl Tuesday says:

    Or, awkward silence in the elevator……………….

  7. Dave says:

    If you are using “mudpussy” during sex I can understand the single status a little better.

  8. Blobby says:

    I like how he would-be talks to you.

  9. Rick says:

    You’re so fucking funny. As Paul Harvey would say, now we know the rest of the story.

  10. Ben says:

    “mud pussy” was a buzz kill for me but then I have issues.

  11. When they’re loud, go louder!!

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