This weekend I spent a birthday gift card and got a food processor. Specifically I got this one:


Mainly because it was what Target had, was close to the gift card amount, and online reviews were good.

Kitchenaid also has a reputation for being fairly high quality– hell, they should be with what they cost. What I didn’t expect was for it not to work.


Okay- here’s the scoop. So I buy the damn thing, get it home, all pulled out of the box and washed and ready for salsa making. I’m quite excited as I’ve never had a food processor before, let alone actually used one. But I read the manual and got it all ready to go.

I had my veggies cleaned and cut into feedable sizes, and was ready to go. So I plugged the bad boy in, screwed on the base and lid, pushed the low speed button and…


Nada. Zip. Zilch. Bubkiss. No spinny, no choppy.

WTF?!? So I unplug and try a different outlet. I took on and off the bowl, making sure it locked into place. I checked the fuse box. I triplechecked to make sure the blade was snug down.

All to no avail.

Now I was pissed, so I boxed the thing up as best I could, and drove furiously to the nearest Target. I wanted to exchange the thing and get one that worked.

Presto-chango, and I have exchanged my “defective” unit for a new one. I drive home, unpack it, and this time I plug the fucker in to make sure it works even before cleaning it.

I assembled it, pushed the low speed button and…

Nothing. Again.

Now I’m thinking something isn’t right. The odds of getting two defective units with the exact same failure mode is really remote. There had to be something I was missing.

I read and re-read the manual. I followed the troubleshooting guide again. Tried all I could think of– and nothing worked.

Now wicked pissed, I turned to the internet. And let me just say Thank God For Google. I typed in “Kitchenaid Food Processor Won’t Start”. And lo!

The answer.

Evidently the lid to the processor has to be oriented with the feed chute at the front of the machine (above the control buttons). If the chute isn’t in this position, the thing won’t turn on.

What isn’t clear to me is why you can also lock the lid with the chute to the side, but that won’t work.


Having the feed chute to the side seemed logical to me as you wouldn’t be dripping crap all over the control buttons while you loaded the machine. Also, this is how I remembered other food processors looking– like Cuisinart perhaps?

And why even design a lid that can lock in different configurations if only one of them allows for the blades to function? That design engineer should be shot.

Now, go back and look at the google image of the processor from the top of this post. Note the position of the chute. Yeah– it ain’t gonna work thst way fuckers.


As you can imagine, I was seething. But I now had a functional food processor. And my salsa?


Num yummy!

Now I need ideas of other crap I can make in it. Like cheese balls, or soups, or julienne fries!


About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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13 Responses to Processing

  1. truthspew says:

    Yeah – I have a cheapie GE branded food processor that I love. But it’s chute is finicky as all hell but I’ve adapted. It’s all got to do with safety. You see, they won’t start the motor on the thing running until the little switch in below the center column is depressed by the pusher being pushed into the chute.

    However last thing I made in it was guacamole. It’s essentially a salsa with the addition of avocado. And delicious as all hell. Mouth is watering just thinking about it.

  2. Zach says:

    I make the same recipe but I char-grilled the tomatoes, onions, garlic and the poblano pepper (sometimes I use a boiled jalapeno pepper instead of poblano). Mango works great as well.

  3. Mark, née Fuzz says:

    The technical writing staff was undoubtedly outsourced to some god-forsaken shit hole of a third world country. They couldn’t give a fuck as long as they get their bowl of rice come payday.

  4. Mark, née Fuzz says:

    By the way, that salsa looks so good I want to fuck it in the ass.

    • cb says:

      How about you fuck me in the ass while you eat the salsa. Deal??

      • Mark, née Fuzz says:

        I’ll keep that in mind. Only in Minneapolis once, when a flight was diverted. Had a long wait for a flight out. Walked all over that damn airport looking for someone with a wide stance in a men’s room. Nada

  5. wcs says:

    It looks like the photo of the machine has the chute to the side WHERE IT WON’T WORK! WTF?

  6. Girl Tuesday says:

    Well, I give you an A+ on that salsa – it looks amazing!

  7. Adam says:

    What… no Vitamix?

  8. Partick says:

    I’ve always thought about getting one to make pie pastry dough, but just keep slogging along with the hand held pastry cutter. So do me a favor and try making pie pastry and let me know if it as easy as everyone (goddamn Martha Stewart et. al.) makes it look.

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