Bad Son

It was my birthday on Sunday, and I had to be “the bad son” when mother called to ask whether I liked my gift.

Long story short: I didn’t.

To back up a bit, I arrived home last Thursday to find this waiting outside my door:


I knew instantly that it was from my mother– she’s really the only one that sends packages like this and my birthday was nearly here.

Upon closer inspection, I notice this:


This both excited and worried me because:

A) she probably spent too much
B) whatever was in the box could be either really cool or really not my taste
C) it’s a very large parcel and I have a small place

As the days passed, the more anxious I became. Buying gifts for me is a tricky affair. If you pay attention And note any of the myriad of things I point out as cool and stick to buying those things– piece of cake!

But if you strike out on your own and buy something that you think I’ll enjoy because you “know” me— well, cake wreck.

Anxious as I was, I was a good boy I waited until my actual birthday before I opened it. So, with a fresh cup of coffee at the ready, I cracked open the box yesterday morning.

And this was what was inside:


A chair. My mother sent me a plastic chair.

And while it’s an interesting chair, I was a bit puzzled by her gift selection. And quite honestly I didn’t know what to do with it.

At last count, I am in possession of no less than 13 chairs/stools/benches, not including this new one.

It doesn’t fit at my dining table. It doesn’t work as an accent chair anywhere because I honestly don’t have any area I want to accent in this manner.

Being plastic, it technically could go on my balcony– but I already have a set of two chairs out there. So a singular chair does me no good.

And to top it off, the chair was ungodly uncomfortable.

I’m not just saying this to be cruel either. I desperately tried it out in the hopes it would cradle my ass in such comfort that I would dash to my computer and order another one that very day.

The pitch of the seat and height were exactly wrong for my legs and there was an odd lump right under my ass which made any lengthy reclining absolutely untenable.

Needless to say, I immediately started to panic. My mom was going to call at some point and want to know what I thought of her gift. What was I going to say?

If it had been a small tchotchke or similar item, I would have spared her feelings and said I loved it, only to stash it away in the deep recesses of some obscure cupboard or box.

But a chair? From the MoMA store?? It was far to large and expensive to to shrug off. No, it would have to be returned.

And I would have to tell her.

Which I did.

The disappointment in her voice was palpable over the phone. And I felt so shitty for telling her that I didn’t really like the chair. And she felt so bad that the one gift I got on my birthday was a stinker.

Her heart is so in the right place, but I just couldn’t let this one go. And I had to be the bad son.

Despondently she said I should just return it and she would stick to gift cards from now on.

I know Target cards aren’t a creative or thoughtful gift, but they make up for it in practicality.

With a gift card I could get a new coffee maker. I only have one of those, and it’s on it’s last legs.

And which is something I’ve been bitching about and window shopping for over the past 6 months.



About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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15 Responses to Bad Son

  1. justajeepguy says:

    Happy Birthday! It was mine too.

  2. Tony says:

    This makes me sad.

  3. Chip says:

    Awww. It’s the thought that counts. Bless good ol’ mom….

  4. Cubby says:

    I’m wondering when you moved to Minneapolis, Michigan. I guess with the zipcode on the label the mailmen don’t even bother looking at the city and state.

  5. happy birthday, cb! may you get the coffee maker you desire. πŸ™‚
    you are correct, the chair has an interesting design, but it doesn’t match what you already have.

  6. Old Lurker says:

    Maybe send Mom a gift to say you’re sorry for hurting her feelings?

  7. Raybob says:

    Be so happy: *my* mom sends exercise equipment unannounced. I once received a box containing an elliptical trainer … And I lived in a tiny space at the time.

  8. Dustin says:

    It kinda looks like the star of david, or a pentagram, or something that could clearly be turned into something satanic with the right paint job. You could then display it as art πŸ™‚

  9. Rick says:

    It would have made a great rim chair and since it is plastic, so easy to cut a hole in the bottom. Oh wait, it doesn’t look like the seat is large enough for a hole the size of the asshole son you are. One of these days you’ll be like me with no Mother and NO gifts on your birthday. Have you heard of resale? regifting? heavy trash day?
    Happy belated handsome!

    • cb says:

      The problem is that she’s retired and doesn’t need to spend that much. Plus she visits and would notice the chair’s absence.

  10. Ed says:

    Family gifts… The joy. Coming from a big Catholic family (cliche, moi?) presents are always problematical. What do you give them that you have not got them (or anyone else) before? Add in personal taste etc… etc…

    Sliding down walls in despair and head pounding territory.

    From personal experience, and a plethora of unused/unwanted presents, being upfront is the way forward. Ask her what she would really like for her birthday and break a cycle, perhaps? She might ask you next time.

  11. Zen says:

    I keep even the crappy gifts from the mom. It makes her happy and that in turn makes the shitty presents worth more than she spent

  12. Rick says:

    I was feeling kind of bad for leaving my previous comment. We are not friends so I shouldn’t have been so fresh.
    Giving gift just sucks these days. Everyone has so much. I think and see so many things under $50 that I would enjoy or use yet I always get something out of left field which leaves me thinking..WTF? Hell, I would appreciate a big bottle of laundry detergent because I HATE paying %$20 for laundry detergent. At any rate, your post made me think of MOMA and I didn’t want to go to see your chair but thought of Christmas cards(yeah that’s right in the heat of August I’m getting the holiday spirit) and low and behold your chair was on the opeing page. I was shocked at the price. You’re right. It’s too expensive not to absolutely love it. tell your Mom not to spend on you to make you cookies instead and if you don’t want them have her send them to me.

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