Weddings.

I’ve noticed that weddings, as a whole, generally suck.

To those readers who are married (or gay married) just realize that there is a good chance your guests feel the same way I do. I apologize, but it’s true.

Why do they suck so much? Because weddings are held for the benefit of one, maybe two people. Namely the bride and possibly the groom.

The rest of us just suffer through.

Here is a typical wedding from the perspective of a guest:

– have to get dressed up
– sometimes have to travel long distances
– have to provide some sort of gift
– usually takes up a good chunk of a Saturday
– have to sit through a stuffy, maudlin ceremony
– have to make small talk awkwardly with tons of people you don’t know while the wedding party takes pictures
– held captive through cake cutting and first dances
– can’t get sloppy drunk because you want to be able to drive away as soon as you can

And weddings are extra-fun to attend if you are single and gay. Because it’s super neato to have something that you’ll never take part in rubbed in your face.

So, why do I bring this up?

Because on Saturday I drove home to attend my ex step-brother’s wedding.

Yes it was a lovely ceremony, yes there was good food and dancing, and yes the family was all drunk and happy.

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It was outdoors at a winery, hotter than blue blazes, but thankfully only a 25 minute ceremony.

It also had an open bar and there was TONS of food. We’re talkingl fancy tapas, and there were 25 different items on the menu! There were so many options I didn’t get to try them all.

And there was also a live band and an outdoor tent for dancing.

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I had “band camp” all morning, drove 4+ hours home for the wedding, and then had to drive 4+ hours back that night for band camp all day Sunday.

I stayed as long as I could, and performed my familial dancing obligations before I hit the road around 10 pm.

It made for a long, difficult weekend. And not just difficult because I was tired.

While I am truly happy for my step-bro, I can’t help feeling just the teensiest bit bitter, too. And melancholy.

For the longest time, my step-bro was a “confirmed bachelor” like myself. We both had bad cases of the stubborn, independent, only-child syndrome and were rapidly approaching middle age alone.

And while the prospect of marriage for me was never even contemplated, most of the family openly lamented the fact that it appeared he would never get hitched.

Well, now it’s just me.

Being the only “single” guest at this wedding wasn’t a lot of fun, and neither was not being able to drink. All I could do was look on as everyone got lit and danced as couples.

And I’m pretty sure I was the only fag, too– other than the slightly creepy photographer, that is.

I also learned that my father paid for the entire reception, which given the food, the venue, the alcohol, and the band could not have been cheap.

And while I do not begrudge this expenditure in the least, part of me understands money was no object because he’ll never have to pay for a reception for me.

It was all a bit sobering. And sucky (per usual).

After all, who the fuck wants to be sober while stuck at a family wedding?

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About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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15 Responses to Weddings.

  1. Argh! The phrase “gay marriage” annoys me to no end. A marriage is a marriage no matter how many penises or vaginas are involved.

    • cb says:

      If you are gay and happen to be married in a state that allows it and then live in a state where it’s recognized, then yes– it’s just married.

      But if it’s not recognized or was just some sort of “commitment ceremony” then it’s “gay married”. Or fake married.

  2. Ben says:

    You shoulda blown the best man and then stayed within his line of sight during the his toast. You deserve a good time too!

  3. thelisp says:

    If you don’t want to get stuck at a wedding, don’t go. Problem solved! You’re welcome.

    • cb says:

      Easier said than done when it’s my only semi-sibling. I was obligated to attend.

      Oh, And sorry people hated being at your wedding….

  4. Tony says:

    I don’t like weddings any more than you do. But I think somebody just needs a good stiff one. And I don’t mean a drink.

  5. truthspew says:

    Oh I know how to throw a good wedding. The ceremony should be as short as possible – 20 to 30 minutes tops. Now the reception – it starts 1 to 2 hours AFTER the ceremony. Let people get casual and comfortable.

    I also know how to pair people up. For example, during those days when I was testing the waters I paired my friend (one of my groomsmen) with the infantile bias with the wife to be’s cousin who was also known as Boom Boom was one of the brides maids.

    Another of my friends was hooked up with my MIL, in her very early 40’s – she was single, he liked older women. Match made in heaven.

    And my best man and the maid of honor – both married to other people, got it on that night.

    It was a wedding that was legend. Always set your wedding up so that EVERYONE has a good time. Know the people attending and now their likes/dislikes. It makes for a very memorable time.

    • cb says:

      OmG– you delay the reception so that you kill even MORE of the guest’s weekend???

      • truthspew says:

        Well – I want everyone to be relaxed and have a good time. That’s the reason for the delay. It also gives the wedding party a chance to lubricate the soul so to speak to ensure maximal effect.

  6. JimA says:

    I’m with you… I don’t like weddings. It’s just a big show.

  7. anne marie in philly says:

    let’s see…mine was 15 minute non-religious ceremony, went right into lunch (no pix), was over in 4 hours. all my friends said it was the best party they ever attended. ceremony and reception was at the same ballroom in a hotel. no dress-up; everyone wore what they felt like wearing. total cost: about $8K. and this was 20 years ago. quick and dirty.

    but yeah, regular weddings do suck.

  8. Rick says:

    I’ve NEVER felt good after going to a wedding.

  9. Raybob says:

    I’ve been to some very memorable weddings. A wedding is a celebration, a huge party! If done right, that is.

    An Indian co-worker’s wedding lasted a week – the bride and groom bought gifts FOR THE GUESTS! It was all about their guests, not them.

    I do think that the modern western wedding has gotten its priorities wrong, especially if a family member hates it as much as you obviously did. On the other hand, you went into it expecting to have a bad time and be miserable and … voila, you did and you were. Instead of enjoying what sounds like a pretty good party and participating in someone else’s joy, you chose to frame this event in the way you framed it and chose to have a different experience.

    • cb says:

      Technically had it been my “choice” I would have “chosen” not to go. But being family, I was sort of obligated.

      And yes, instead of “choosing” to celebrate and then drive drunk, I “chose” to remain sober.

  10. Weddings and funerals, are they really that different from each other?

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