Mother of a Gay Handbook

A thought came upon me while exchanging Christmas gifts with my mother this year. It happened as I was opening yet another wrapped box of clothing that wasn’t quite what I would have chosen for myself:

Someone needs to write a handbook geared for mothers of gay men.

(If there isn’t one already, that is.)

And there needs to be an extensive chapter on what and what not to give a gay man as prezzies.

And then someone needs to give said handbook to my mother. For while I love her to pieces and she means well, she doesn’t fare well at gift giving.

Part of this I blame on my living 3.5 hours away. She doesn’t see me all the time and has really no idea what I would like or even need. Case in point– clothes.

Buying clothes for a gay man is a risky proposition even when you ARE a gay man yourself. Which is why– EVERY YEAR– I tell my mother “Please, don’t buy me any clothes.”

I go on to explain that as I need clothes throughout the year, I tend to purchase them myself. So I don’t need any. And if I haven’t expressly asked for anything, you are going to be totally in the dark.

This never seems to sink in, as evidenced by the multiple years of her purchasing me lumberjack plaid shirts in a myriad of colors. And while I like a good plaid shirt (which none of these technically were) she unfortunately also doesn’t know my size anymore, so all of these shirts were unwearable after precisely 1 washing. (I have extraordinarily long arms)

Goodwill tends to get lots of nice donations from me.

There should also be a special section on bedding. My mother also got me a bedding set for Christmas. And while the sheets *are* 700 thread count, they are also in a lovely, light putty/taupe color.

This color (a) really doesn’t match my decor, and (b) will show every Santorum stain, should there unfortunately be any. And while this may be a bit delicate to try to explain to a mother of a gay, I think it really needs to be done.

Mom also tends to get me toiletries as stocking stuffers. Most of which are good (Mach 3 razor blades, burt’s bees lip balm, toothpaste, etc) but then she’ll get me lotion. She knows I use Aveda products, but insists on getting me Curel.

Worse yet, she buys me deodorant.

Buying a gay guy something with a scent in it that he wears is like the riskiest proposition of all, yet each year I get some random Old Spice antiperspirant stick.

I know this completely comes off as me being ungrateful, and I’m really not. I love my mother so much, and I’ve tried to gently steer her clear of these pitfalls so that disappointment can be avoided and her pocketbook saved.

And I know that these gifts are just her way of trying to stay connected with her adult son who doesn’t visit nearly often enough. She wants to feel necessary in my life still, and I get that.

However, I really just don’t want her wasting her money on me. She’s getting ready for retirement and should be saving, not spending. I’d much rather just give her gifts and watch her open them.

The looks on her face would be plenty enough for me.

But Mom isn’t a total lost cause. She did get me that iron planter thing (again, buying a gay man home decor stuff is risky as hell) but I LOVE it.

So, I guess it is nice to be surprised by your mom once in a while. But the Handbook chapter on surprising your gay son would be cray-cray hard to write, no?

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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8 Responses to Mother of a Gay Handbook

  1. Dave says:

    may as well give specific ideas that are easy for her to purchase… takes the spontaneity out of the gift, but then you receive what you like… she can still give a surprise or two for fun…

  2. Blobby says:

    deodorant? what’s that?

  3. Will J says:

    But Sweetie, remember that she got you those Hooker Pants (that show you off so well) from the Hanes Outlet last year, so she does hit one of the park occasionally.

    Tell her that it is the gift of her time that you want rather than stuff. Then follow through. Invite her up, by herself, for a theater and shopping weekend (or whatever she cannot do at home, or when she needs an escape after a major project at work). Yes, put her up at a nice hotel so she doesn’t feel compelled to do anything for you at your house. However, include fixing her a nice dinner at home with good wine/beer/spirit selections and talk. How does she see this next part of her life – her forthcoming retirement? Is there anything in life that she hasn’t done in life that she might still be able to do? Maybe do this once or twice a year to give her a hint about how you live. It also helps her to see you as an adult (although you will always be 5 years old to her – don’t ask me how I know this).

    Mothers of Gay Men have an advantage that other women do not. Later in life when they are widowed, they still get to go on dates with men who still have their Driver’s Licenses and are able to drive at night. It may only be a date down to the local Starbucks for a cup of coffee, but it is a date and it scores big points in the retirement homes. You can be planting those seeds now.

  4. DiatribesAndOvations.com says:

    I think YOU should write that book! Seriously … you would do a fantastic job.

    My mother doesn’t even try any more … she sends a check and tells me not to use it to pay bills.

  5. Buddy Bear says:

    My mother used to buy me shirts from the “Arnold Palmer Collection” from Sears, year after year, until I finally put my foot down.

    Now, their presents to me all involve power tools which my father pics out. He knows exactly what I need and want in this line. I know these aren’t exactly a “gay” gift, but I love them as I am a macho kind of a guy who actually uses them.

  6. rg says:

    Y’all need to cut your respective moms’ some slack. Seriously – they mean well, and yes sometimes the prezzies are fucked-up. Just let them be mothers. It’s what they do. And personally, if someone is brave enough to push your fat heads out of their vagina, they get a pass every now and again. Mmmmm-kay? In the greater scheme of life, this really is a minor thing guys.

    Also, when they’re gone, you’re going to look back fondly on their gift-giving fucked-uppedness.

    So, chill.

  7. Timmay says:

    My sister and I set our mom straight on the gifting of clothes ages ago. We simply explained that when the time came to put her in a nursing home we could go nice or go cheap. Santa knows if she has been good or bad and he is not a fan of anything paisley.
    About three years ago our whole family decided to no longer exchange gifts – best decision ever! No more sweating what to get, no wrapping gifts, no wrong sizes, wrong colors or exchanges. The only thing that gets passed back and forth are the occasional baked good!

  8. Mark in DE says:

    My parents are estranged from me so I don’t have this worriment. But if I did, I would simply donate the unwanted items. Your mom isn’t going to stop buying you stuff for Christmas just because she’s retiring, and I’m guessing she’s not so keen on the gift cards. So be a good son and smile when you open the gifts, then donate the ones you don’t care for.

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