It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Breezy

It really sucks having low self-esteem.

I wish I could just walk through life all cocky and confident and just strut up to handsome guys and say, “Do you like camping?  Because you just pitched a tent in my pants.”

Or heck, even just say “Hi.”

But I’m not all cocky and confident, and no matter how much I try to pretend that I am sometimes…. well, there’s only so far one can lie to one’s self.

I blame bullying.

Yes, one of the harmful side effects of being made fun of as a child (especially in those gawkward junior high years) is that it tends to stick with you.  It ‘may’ get better for you, or it may not.  Given all the personal anecdotes I hear, my guess is that mostly it doesn’t get better.

Sure, intellectually I know I’m not that underdeveloped, stocky-assed teenager with cowlicky hair, braces, and ugly glasses– I still feel that way a good deal of the time.

Especially in social situations where I am confronted with men I find to be quite handsome.  It gets worse when they are also naked.  And perfect.

Last night was a classic example of the paralysis created by low self-esteem issues.

I was at the gym, I had finished my workout, and I was heading for the sauna/steam room areas.  My back and neck were still pretty fucked up from the massage, and I wanted the heat to try to relax out the kinks.

And there he was.

This guy is totally handsome.  Probably in his early 30’s.  Tall- like 6’2″.  Bearded.  Thin.  Very nice build.  And killer blue eyes.

I see him talking to “Equus”.  Equus is this 50-something gay guy who goes to my gym who is seriously horse-hung.  A fact that he is obviously quite proud of, given the way he parades and wags it about in the locker room.

Well, I pass by Mr. Handsome on the way to the steam room.  I glance over, and we lock eyes.  It was that second long “Hey, you’re gay?  I’m gay too!” look.  You know the look.

Anyway, I hit the steam and am stretching, and Mr. Handsome comes in.  He sits semi-close to where I am, and I’m doing my best to try to ignore him.  I don’t want him to see me drool, and I don’t want to look like an old letch in front of the other men in the room.

I do look over occasionally, and Mr. Handsome catches me every time.  And looks back.

I want to talk to him, but the room is so crowded, and quiet.  It would just be weird to strike up a conversation.  So I hit the showers.

I’m washing my hair, letting the hot water course over me, and trying desperately not to think of Mr. Handsome. 

Which became much more difficult when he came into the showers, and chose a shower head just a couple over from me.

When he removed his towel, I seriously had to look away.  He had no body fat and was firm everywhere.  And… impressive.  Everywhere.

In addition to the water from the shower, I’m awash in feelings of inadequacy in his presence.  I’m old.  Fat.  Dumpy.  Less… impressive.

I try my best not to watch him shower, but I can’t “not” look.  He catches me again, and I feel so sheepish.  But he doesn’t seem to mind.  In fact… it’s almost like he’s inviting me to look.

I hurry up and finish, and head to my locker.  I spare one backward glance as I leave the showers… and catch his eyes again.

I get dressed alone and in silence.  The last thing I do is go to the sink area for some hair gel… and there he is.  Mr. Handsome.  Fully nude in front of the mirrors.  Putting on some lotion.

Damn him.

I gathered my stuff, looked again, and we locked eyes a final time.  I smiled medium and he smiled brightly right back.  His handsomeness made my heart hurt.  And his eyes?  My god… his eyes.

And all I could think about was… why the fuck is this guy smiling at me?  So I heaved a big sigh, shook my head, turned around and left.

I’m still kicking myself today about it.

But I mean, what was I supposed to do?  Just walk up and start a conversation with a handsome, naked guy in the locker room?  “Hey, I’m CB.  And your naked.”  Doesn’t that seem just a tad awkward?  And sketchy?

Arrrghhhh!

I’m going back to the gym tonight; I’m praying that he’s there again.  I need redemption.  Next time I vow not to be such a pussy.

Unless he smiles.  Then all bets are off.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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23 Responses to It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Breezy

  1. Oh PLEASE! You’re one of the last people who should ever feel intimidated. Hell, in the same situation I’d be intimidated by you.

  2. anne marie in philly says:

    dammit, you didn’t even say HI. you better say SOMETHING the next time you see mr. handsome.

    and you ARE NOT ugly, old, etc. you ARE cb, a person, a somebody. don’t miss opportunity next time!

  3. Ben says:

    Wait a minute… the hot guy followed you around, made repeated eye contact with you, and smiled at you and you don’t get it? The rest of us do! I don’t care if you are old, fat and dumpy (you’re not). I don’t care if you have a vagina and obviously neither does he. It’s easy to see you’re a triple threat: cute, smart, and funny. Forget high school, your time is NOW!

  4. Buddy Bear says:

    Plan in advance to say something simple, like “Hello” or “I like your towel” or “I saw you in here yesterday.” Chances are, if he’s interested, he will get the conversational ball rolling. Maybe you’re exactly the sort of guy he’s looking for.

  5. YvesPaul says:

    You’ve got to stop doing that. The guy is practically following you around and looking at you the whole time and showing you his stuff. I probably would be like you since I have bad self image, but you’re handsome and woofy. Guys dig that, use what you got.

  6. truthspew says:

    If I told you how many times I was actively cruised at the gym back in the day you’d be surprised. But mine is a different story, I was there to work out, not to have casual sex. And those who are there for the opposite reason, I find it highly tacky.

  7. Dan says:

    Fantastic post. Know exactly how you feel. Good luck!

  8. Dan says:

    He’s out there somewhere writing a blog post about how he isn’t attractive and there was this guy at the gym that he tried to cruise like four times and the guy wasn’t interested.

  9. “But I’m not all cocky and confident, and no matter how much I try to pretend that I am sometimes….”
    You would have fooled me, based on what I’ve read here.

    Seriously, though, if I were in that position the same thing would have happened. Well, no… I’d have probably have put my towel over my head and run out the building.

  10. There’s a second long ”Hey, you’re gay? I’m gay too!” look? Crap. This is why there should be a handbook.

    • Cb says:

      Oh Erik. Poor sweet naive Erik. You know there’s a “look”. It’s the same one a gas station attendant might use on a patron in order to have sexytimes with them in the bathroom.

  11. Rich says:

    Somewhere deep in your psyche, you know there was some mutual interest there. We can be confident about ourselves in many different ways..but the gym can let feelings of inadequeacy overtake even the most rational person. It’s easy to say just Man Up and make a move…no risk no reward…but sometimes we don’t see the best part of ourselves. That is where friends can often be your mirror. Throughout the years, I’ve seen you posts things like this, and there is an outpouring of love and support that comes your way. Why? Because it’s genuine. Your personality is off the charts. You are handsome as all hell. And you have a style that is all your own. You just need to believe in what other people see. And if you can’t, try to fake it til you make it…and see if there’s a difference. You are wonderful, CB.

  12. Tony says:

    I understand exactly where you are coming from.I wasn’t bullied at school, but I was by my brother and father. Always made me feel inadequate. And when I was first getting into the gay community, I was often made fun of by bitchy queens. Any time I have ever gotten anywhere with guy, he has had to make the first move.

    • Cb says:

      OMG. I know we all have our own irrational feelings of inadequacy, but I know I’d feel a WHOLE lot better about mine if I were 6’4″ with a 28″ waist and a 9″ penis.

      I’m just sayin’.

  13. rg says:

    Pussy. Next time say hello. And at the next gym go around, putter around the locker room until he starts getting dressed as well and THEN introduce yourself. At least you have gay guys at your gym – All I have to look at are married middle-aged corporate straight douches

  14. Nik_TheGreek says:

    I know where you’re coming from. I probably wouldn’t do anything as well, just drool a little bit…
    Try to nod next time… Be mysterious… 🙂

  15. zack says:

    CB, you’re as hot as they come (no pun intended). But I totally understand your feelings of inadequacy, because I still feel like the chubby, curly-haired nerd who was made fun of in junior high gym class. I’m totally jealous, though, that you get cruised by hot, bearded guys … I only get the creepy 60- and 70-somethings who follow me around and touch their nasty bits.

  16. Dirk says:

    I wish you could see what your readers see, because you are handsome and funny as hell.

    Personally, if I looked like you I’d be the biggest prick on the block with a swagger and ‘tude to spare.

  17. Mark in DE says:

    I love these stories!! And by the way, your gym membership is TOTALLY worth it if for no other reason than seeing hot athletic guys naked. 🙂

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