Seriously, are they? Because today it feels like my neck and back were beaten with a sackful of nickels. And I’m sure if I could see the back of my neck there’d be bruises the size and shape of thumbs.
The reason I ask is because I don’t have a ton of experience with massages. I’ve only ever had 2 in my entire life, and those were spaced 20 years apart.
But they always sound so luxurious and indulgent! I’ve been wanting another one for awhile (or so I thought) and Kyle gave me a gift card for a 1 hour massage for my birthday. Seeing as how drum corps season was over, I thought it was high time for this World Champion ™ to get some pampering.
Well, my pampering ended up requiring several ibuprofen this morning.
I realize that I carry a lot of my tension in my neck, shoulders, and back. My back is always bothering me to some degree and is generally a knot between my shoulderblades. Well, she found all those knots, and then some!
*** record scratch ***
Yeah. The first unfortunate thing was that my massage therapist was a she (and most likely a lesbian). I had specifically requested a male masseur, and was told Dustin would be working on me.
Well, evidently “Dustin” pulled a Chaz Bono and showed up as “Denise”.
Whatever. I rolled with it.
I stripped down to my birthday suit (is that what you are supposed to do? I don’t know, but it seemed like you should be nude) and crawled into the sheets.
Denise came in, and started with a face and scalp massage. Which I believe I would have enjoyed had it not been for the cigarette smell on her fingers.
Then she began working my neck and upper shoulders. Hard. Especially the back of my neck up toward the skull.
And it hurt.
I involuntarily winced a few times and drew sharp breaths. And I found myself tensing up my whole body in anticipation of more pain.
The arm part of the massage felt pretty good, although there were some ouchier moments involving my forearms.
As for the legs? Well, she only got to the top sides of them unfortunately (because my back ended up taking so long once I rolled over). She worked the fuck out of the areas along my shins which were tight as fuck (probably from all the marching and cardio). She also did my quads.
Holy fuck OW! Especially my left quad. Evidently there was a knot in that one, near my knee, and she dug in there to get it. A couple times I about came off the table when the pain shot through me like electricity.
Then came time for by back. Specifically my upper and middle back. She had me roll over and then she got to work on the significant knots and tension she discovered there. Most was in the middle, along the bottom edges of my shoulderblades.
There was a lot of pain involved in massaging this area. I was doing so much breathing through the pain it sounded like a goddamn Lamaze class in there. A couple times I involuntarily let go with a strangled sort of “Arrrrggh!”
I also noticed my butt and legs were clenched so tight during this that I could’ve cracked walnuts.
Then the massage was blissfully over and I was instructed to dress and come out into the hallway when I was ready.
When I stood up, I was a bit woogity and I couldn’t tell if I was relaxed or just exhausted.
Thankfully I got dressed rather quickly, because just as I was putting my shoes on, some random spa worker burst into my room unannounced, saw there was a client there, and froze like a deer in headlights. I told her it was fine that I was almost done… she apologized quickly and took off like a scalded cat.
I drank my required bottle of water afterwards– to help flush all the released toxins from my body. And I proceeded to drink a lot of water all evening.
Today I woke up tired and sore, with my back and neck a mass of tension. I took several ibuprofen this morning, mostly to get rid of the headache that is accompanying my backaches.
So, is this normal? Is this the result of me never having massages so that I just have an extreme load of tension built up? Are massages supposed to beat you up some? If so, I’m not sure I want another one.
I’m curious what your experiences have been.