Today’s topic will be about those bedroom sexytime things that really bother me– or would bother me if I were to ever be faced with them. Because, you know, most of these things have never ever happened to me.
I’m sure I’ve probably done a post on these before, but as this blog is several years old now, it’s getting more and more difficult for me to recall exactly what I’ve written about. Besides, a topic so important deserves, even begs, to be repeated… right?
SEXUAL PET PEEVES
1. Manhood Exaggeration
Sure, we all secretly wish we had weapons of ass destruction, and online we are constantly being compared cockwise to many men. Which naturally leads to “rounding up” of penis size– usually by 1/2 an inch or so. All men do this, even guys who are packing heat– it’s just in our competitive nature.
But it’s the degree to which you do it that can be a problem. If you claim to be well-hung and your online profile states your cuntwrecker is a hefty 8×6– well, you better not show up being only 6×4. This will only lead to severe disappointment, and possible ridicule.
2. Going Pubeless
Please. For the love of god/buddha/allah. Do NOT shave off all your pubes. Ever! Unless you are deliberately going for the 10 year old boy look. Which, if we’re being honest, isn’t even a good look on a 10 year old.
I want to have sex with a man, not a prepubescent-looking man-child. Hell, I didn’t want to have sex with prepubescents even when I WAS prepubescent! Ew.
3. Belly Button Piercings
My apologies to all the guys out there that have these, but I find belly button piercings on men to be a real turn-off. I can pretty much handle any other kind of piercing (even the freaky face piercing shit), but the belly button thing is just so… well… unmasculine. IMHO.
I see belly button piercings and I think of James Bond girl belly dancers. On men I just don’t think it ever looks good– not even on the flattest tummies. And when the piercing is on a guy with a belly… do you really want to draw attention that way?
Unless you are 13, you know that any sort of nibbling and sucking on the tender neck flesh will produce a bruise, aka a ‘love bite’. These are not sexy. They are trashy and should strictly remain in the domain of trailer park teen moms.
If you ever ‘accidentally’ give me a hickey, my fist will ‘accidentally’ produce a lovely bruise around your eye, aka a ‘love tap’. Which is also in the domain of trailer park teen moms.
5. Excessive Spitting
While there is nothing technically wrong with a bit of spit during sex (in fact it comes in rather handy during several maneuvers), it should be kept below the neck unless otherwise agreed upon.
The last thing I want is someone spitting in my mouth or on my face during sex. Even working up extra saliva and pushing it into a mouth during kissing is not something I want to deal with. I’m just sayin’.
By ‘flatulence’ I’m not talking about the accidental ‘pffffft’ when the meat gets pulled from the freezer *wink wink*. Oh no. I’m talking about deliberate, grunting and cracking off a ripe one while in the middle of a sex act.
Really? What part of you thinks this is attractive or “sexy”. I know it’s called a ‘fart box’ but I don’t want to hear you squeaking out a wet one while trying to be intimate. Shit like that will get you slapped, man! Especially if it smells like a bad egg mcmuffin.
7. Dramatic Orgasms
This one takes the cake with me. I just can NOT stand it when a guy shouts at the top of his lungs when he’s cumming. It is so unnecessary, and quite frankly a bit fakey. And pathetic.
We all grew up learning how to orgasm silently– in bed, in the bathroom, in the shower– so our parents/siblings wouldn’t hear it going down. So there is absolutely no reason now to alert everyone in the tri-county area that you are cumming by shouting “AAAHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGG! UGH UGH UGH! AAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA! YIP YIP YIPPEEEEE! YOOOOOOOOOWWWWWZA!”
Or worse. Having the guy grunting like Monica Seles returning a serve in a high-pitched voice. “Uhg-AAAH! Ugh-AHH! Ugh-AAAAHHHH!” *mood killer*
I’m not asking for a ‘shhh-my-parents-are-in-the-next-room’ fuck; I quite enjoy making a bit of noise. And I love a good “Fuck yeah, I’m close! Oh I’m gonna cum! Uuuuggggghhhhhh!” as much as the next guy. But please, think of the neighbors before you ham it up like a bad porn actor.