Sexual Pet Peeves

Today’s topic will be about those bedroom sexytime things that really bother me– or would bother me if I were to ever be faced with them.  Because, you know, most of these things have never ever happened to me.

*ahem*

I’m sure I’ve probably done a post on these before, but as this blog is several years old now, it’s getting more and more difficult for me to recall exactly what I’ve written about.  Besides, a topic so important deserves, even begs, to be repeated… right?

SEXUAL PET PEEVES

1. Manhood Exaggeration

Sure, we all secretly wish we had weapons of ass destruction, and online we are constantly being compared cockwise to many men.  Which naturally leads to “rounding up” of penis size– usually by 1/2 an inch or so.  All men do this, even guys who are packing heat– it’s just in our competitive nature.

But it’s the degree to which you do it that can be a problem.  If you claim to be well-hung and your online profile states your cuntwrecker is a hefty 8×6– well, you better not show up being only 6×4.  This will only lead to severe disappointment, and possible ridicule.

2.  Going Pubeless

Please.  For the love of god/buddha/allah.  Do NOT shave off all your pubes.  Ever!  Unless you are deliberately going for the 10 year old boy look.  Which, if we’re being honest, isn’t even a good look on a 10 year old.

I want to have sex with a man, not a prepubescent-looking man-child.  Hell, I didn’t want to have sex with prepubescents even when I WAS prepubescent!  Ew.

3.  Belly Button Piercings

My apologies to all the guys out there that have these, but I find belly button piercings on men to be a real turn-off.  I can pretty much handle any other kind of piercing (even the freaky face piercing shit), but the belly button thing is just so… well… unmasculine.  IMHO.

I see belly button piercings and I think of James Bond girl belly dancers.  On men I just don’t think it ever looks good– not even on the flattest tummies.  And when the piercing is on a guy with a belly… do you really want to draw attention that way?

4.  Hickeys

Unless you are 13, you know that any sort of nibbling and sucking on the tender neck flesh will produce a bruise, aka a ‘love bite’.  These are not sexy.  They are trashy and should strictly remain in the domain of trailer park teen moms.

If you ever ‘accidentally’ give me a hickey, my fist will ‘accidentally’ produce a lovely bruise around your eye, aka a ‘love tap’.  Which is also in the domain of trailer park teen moms.

5.  Excessive Spitting

While there is nothing technically wrong with a bit of spit during sex (in fact it comes in rather handy during several maneuvers), it should be kept below the neck unless otherwise agreed upon.

The last thing I want is someone spitting in my mouth or on my face during sex.  Even working up extra saliva and pushing it into a mouth during kissing is not something I want to deal with.  I’m just sayin’.

6.  Flatulence

By ‘flatulence’ I’m not talking about the accidental ‘pffffft’ when the meat gets pulled from the freezer *wink wink*.  Oh no.  I’m talking about deliberate, grunting and cracking off a ripe one while in the middle of a sex act.

Really?  What part of you thinks this is attractive or “sexy”.  I know it’s called a ‘fart box’ but I don’t want to hear you squeaking out a wet one while trying to be intimate.  Shit like that will get you slapped, man!  Especially if it smells like a bad egg mcmuffin.

7.  Dramatic Orgasms

This one takes the cake with me.  I just can NOT stand it when a guy shouts at the top of his lungs when he’s cumming.  It is so unnecessary, and quite frankly a bit fakey.  And pathetic.

We all grew up learning how to orgasm silently– in bed, in the bathroom, in the shower– so our parents/siblings wouldn’t hear it going down.  So there is absolutely no reason now to alert everyone in the tri-county area that you are cumming by shouting “AAAHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGG!  UGH UGH UGH! AAAA-OOOOO-GAAAAA! YIP YIP YIPPEEEEE!  YOOOOOOOOOWWWWWZA!”

Or worse.  Having the guy grunting like Monica Seles returning a serve in a high-pitched voice. “Uhg-AAAH!  Ugh-AHH!  Ugh-AAAAHHHH!”   *mood killer*

I’m not asking for a ‘shhh-my-parents-are-in-the-next-room’ fuck; I quite enjoy making a bit of noise.  And I love a good “Fuck yeah, I’m close!  Oh I’m gonna cum!  Uuuuggggghhhhhh!” as much as the next guy.  But please, think of the neighbors before you ham it up like a bad porn actor.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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14 Responses to Sexual Pet Peeves

  1. A. Lewis says:

    So, my admittance that I’m 12 inches won’t be well received when you actually see my 2 inches? I’m simply rounding up to the next nearest foot.

  2. A. Lewis says:

    Oh, and one more thing, there’s nothing more hot than a mound of yummy pubes buried between a dude’s legs……and nothing more turn-off-ish than not one single hair down there. Whether he farts or not…..

  3. Nik_thegreek says:

    Interesting post…
    I have never come across a guy with a belly button or his exaggerated manhood pierced… I think I’ll find the second more ‘interesting’. I don’t know how I would react…
    Until then, I can’t express an opinion…

  4. Mark, nee Fuzz says:

    Personally, i do have a preference for burying my nose in a thick set of pubes. However, I don’t find a shaved crotch too disturbing. But, that shaved crotch looks ridiculous if the man looks like Chewbacca everywhere else.

    It is perhaps irrational, but I imagine penile piercings getting wedged between my teeth and pulling my crowns off.

    So now I know that should I ever end up in your neck of the woods, I can not play with you. For fear of a shiner when I break into “the hills are alive…” at the top of my lungs when I unload my 12×8 destroyer into the stink.

  5. Cubby says:

    I’m glad you have no problems with getting your face dick-slapped, as long as it doesn’t leave a bruise of course.

    But if it doesn’t leave a bruise, why bother?

    Anywho, I’m glad you mentioned the spitting thing. Any time I see a porno with one guy spitting into the other’s mouth, I cannot hit “stop” fast enough.

  6. I can’t get past the farting one. Really? People do this? I’m so glad I’ve never experienced that. I’m not even sure what my response would be.

  7. wally says:

    Farting ,,yikes!

    A peeve of mine is when a guy talks too much during sex. I one had a guy make a request that I fuck his man pussy. Talk about a mood killer!

  8. Gavin says:

    Nice list. A few addition would be:

    1.) The partner that pressures “let’s cum at the same time.” That immediately turns a good time into planning for good timing, and could result in issue 2.
    2.) Just because I didn’t get off physically doesn’t mean it didn’t feel good or that you were inadequate. Save the post-coital therapy session for your shrink.

    P.S. I think Ms. Seles’s grunts sound like “Ugh-HEE!”

  9. anne marie in philly says:

    #1 – a problem for this str8 girl; if ya ain’t got it, DON’T say ya do!
    #2 – doesn’t matter to me
    #3 – have never seen one of these
    #4 – so high school!
    #5 & #6 – immediate turn-off and kick out!
    #7 – overacting much? trying for an academy award? pul-LEEZE!

  10. I had a neighbor with problem #7.
    First time I heard that, I thought he was turning into a werewolf.

  11. wcs says:

    “grunting like Monica Seles returning a serve in a high-pitched voice.”

    Bwahahahahaha!

  12. Nick says:

    funny post, enjoyed it and agree to all points made 😉 thanks

  13. Ben says:

    I don’t get dick slapping. I’m thinking, “Do you want me to suck it or not? I’m missing Idol.”

    “Man-pussy” makes me think WTF.

    I admit, I want the guy to finish. If you haven’t cum, then keep pumping.

  14. Jake says:

    My problem is that I get hickeys VERY easily. Not sure why. A guy can barely kiss around my neck and the next morning, I’m hickey city! Dammit…

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