As I alluded to on Wednesday, I felt it necessary to do a public service blogpost concerning the “don’ts” of hookup app self-portraits.
Specifically Grindr pics. But there are offenders on all the gay websites.
Guys- if you are going to be on Grindr (or Scruff, or Manhunt mobile, or whatever) here’s a short list of “Do’s”:
- use your face if at all possible
- select a close up shot so people can actually see what you look like
- if you go the ‘no face’ route, then you better show some skin
- good lighting is a must
- take the picture from an elevated vantage point*
- choose a candid picture
- make sure the picture is representative, yet flattering
*Because an elevated view hides your chins and nostrils and gives you a more appealing, tapered line
These are not a difficult concepts, are they? Yet for some, they appear to ‘pose’ a significant challenge (pun fully intended).
So instead of doing the comix this week (le gasp!), I’m going to be super-snarky with regard to my homo bretheren and point out picture “don’ts”– using actual profile shots from Minneapolis:
Damn, gurrrl! You is a hotter mess than a Fukushima meltdown!
Oh honey, you just aren’t comfy in men’s clothing, are you?
Lemme guess– your fetishes include night vision goggles and lotion rubbing, right?
I’m at a La Quinta– where even the bedbugs are sassy!
Someone’s been using Crest White Strips… around their eyes.
There’s boiled shrimp… fried shrimp… shrimp gumbo….
I don’t know what’s worse… the hair, or his mom’s taste in wallpaper.
Some folks calls it a Kaiser blade… I calls it a sling blade, mmm hmmm.
Take a whiff of Elizabeth Taylors newest fragrance– available now at Macy’s.
Very handsome… is what I’d be saying if you hadn’t douched out by using your headshot.
The only thing missing here is a fucking chalk outline.
Going with the ‘Bad Smell Face’ pic is never the correct option.
I stand corrected.
How’s that Vladimir Lenin pose workin’ for ya?
(See what I mean?)
Yes, Urkel, you “did that”.
When looking for new friends, I think a good strategy is to pose naked in a locker room.
Sir, all I know is that I want to meet the friend who took this picture for you… and then slap him.
Those catholic thurbile earrings are totally clashing with your septum piercing.
From the context clues, I’m assuming you like Japanese businessmen to punchfuck you with fire extinguishers.
Whoops! Guess I’m on “exit only” tonight, guys.
Oh, look. A lesbian with a boner.
And last, but certainly not least, I leave my readers one to provide some destructive criticism for. C’mon, you know you wanna!