Gay Information Series– Self Portraits and You!

As I alluded to on Wednesday, I felt it necessary to do a public service blogpost concerning the “don’ts” of hookup app self-portraits. 

Specifically Grindr pics. But there are offenders on all the gay websites.

Guys- if you are going to be on Grindr (or Scruff, or Manhunt mobile, or whatever) here’s a short list of “Do’s”:

  • use your face if at all possible
  • select a close up shot so people can actually see what you look like
  • if you go the ‘no face’ route, then you better show some skin
  • good lighting is a must
  • take the picture from an elevated vantage point*
  • choose a candid picture
  • make sure the picture is representative, yet flattering

*Because an elevated view hides your chins and nostrils and gives you a more appealing, tapered line

These are not a difficult concepts, are they?  Yet for some, they appear to ‘pose’ a significant challenge (pun fully intended).

So instead of doing the comix this week (le gasp!), I’m going to be super-snarky with regard to my homo bretheren and point out picture “don’ts”– using actual profile shots from Minneapolis:

Damn, gurrrl!  You is a hotter mess than a Fukushima meltdown!

Oh honey, you just aren’t comfy in men’s clothing, are you?

Lemme guess– your fetishes include night vision goggles and lotion rubbing, right?

I’m at a La Quinta– where even the bedbugs are sassy!

Someone’s been using Crest White Strips… around their eyes.

There’s boiled shrimp… fried shrimp… shrimp gumbo….

I don’t know what’s worse… the hair, or his mom’s taste in wallpaper.

Some folks calls it a Kaiser blade… I calls it a sling blade, mmm hmmm.

Take a whiff of Elizabeth Taylors newest fragrance– available now at Macy’s.

Very handsome… is what I’d be saying if you hadn’t douched out by using your headshot.

The only thing missing here is a fucking chalk outline.

Going with the ‘Bad Smell Face’ pic is never the correct option.

I stand corrected.

How’s that Vladimir Lenin pose workin’ for ya?

(See what I mean?)

Yes, Urkel, you “did that”.

When looking for new friends, I think a good strategy is to pose naked in a locker room.

Sir, all I know is that I want to meet the friend who took this picture for you… and then slap him.

Those catholic thurbile earrings are totally clashing with your septum piercing.

From the context clues, I’m assuming you like Japanese businessmen to punchfuck you with fire extinguishers.

Whoops!  Guess I’m on “exit only” tonight, guys.

Oh, look.  A lesbian with a boner.

And last, but certainly not least, I leave my readers one to provide some destructive criticism for.  C’mon, you know you wanna!

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
This entry was posted in bad smell face, gay, grindr, photography, self portraits. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Gay Information Series– Self Portraits and You!

  1. Pac says:

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time, CB. This totally makes up for making me cry in front of my coworkers last week with your “toughest choice” post, making me the office hormonal basket case.

  2. StevieB says:

    I like number 11, I might steal that. What is the deal with the perfectly arched eyebrows? I’m changing my profile to include ISO a guy with rugged brows.

  3. kyle says:

    you know you a) actually have lusted after one of those guys and b) know him in real life right? tho’ only casually, so i’m assuming you don’t recognize him from his god-awful pic.

    p.s., he’s also a honest to god pastor

  4. Jon says:

    Caption for last pic:

    Dammit Mary there’s so much lube on the vibrator your ass keeps sucking it out of my fingers!

  5. joe says:

    Attention shoppers! Our blue light is now flashing in the brown aisle.

  6. Gavin says:

    “The ‘Kate Gosselin’ went out 2 years ago. You have a legitimate lawsuit against the person who cuts your hair.”

  7. Keegan says:

    The megabottom with the fire extinguisher has some unrealistic expectations….

    Doesn’t. Everyone use nude locker room pics when searching for friends?

    Are most of these guys wearing makeup?..

  8. YvesPaul says:

    “Looks like you’re already occupied.”

    I wonder if you change that septum piercing into a magnet, would that guy be able to perform some Dumbo tricks?

  9. A. Lewis says:

    Dear god, you have indeed brought a smile to my cup of coffee this Friday morning. I like that “representative yet flattering” note. As for the “skin” part, I thought that Grindr was pretty picky on letting skin on the pics nowadays.

  10. Mark, née Fuzz says:

    Coming soon to a theater near you! Pinocchio 2, The Hand Puppet.

  11. Jeff says:

    There is no way I could top “I’m at a La Quinta– where even the bedbugs are sassy!” so I won’t bother trying to.

  12. jack says:

    Am I the only one to feel that making fun of those guys is a bit of a cheap laugh?
    I am a great fan of the blog and don’t want to bring anybody down, but I find this to be a bit offensive.

    • Ryan says:

      No Jack… been reading the comix for a while but haven’t commented. Most (all?) of these guys don’t deserve the criticism.

      • DCJoe says:

        No, they do. It’s apparent no one cares enough about them to tell them how silly they look.

  13. Drew says:

    “I’m not only PRESIDENT of the “Official kd lang Fan Club”, I’M HER HAIRDRESSER!!!

  14. ZANE says:

    “wait, I think another midget is crawling out.”

  15. anne marie in philly says:

    “smile pretty and take it like a man!”

  16. Cb says:

    Methinks Jack and Ryan are probably in Ned of some new profile pics.

  17. Bearlovin45 says:

    Thank you so much for NOT showing my Scruff profile pic!!!

  18. So *that’s* what’s eating Gilbert Grape.

  19. BosGuy says:

    Excellent post… I think I’d caption this last one, “How’d you like my Belinda Carlisle / Go Go’s haircut?”

  20. Maj Deen says:

    Yup, maybe you did go too far this time. Making fun of others who put themselves out there. We do not all measure up to certain standards and to make fun of that seems somehow ungay. I have seen your pic and it could easily be posted on another blog ! How would you feel about that? Just my opinion….

  21. rg says:

    @ken & ryan: Lighten the fuck up. This is CB we’re talking about here – the king of inappropriate humor – remember the Kewbie doll asshole birthing pic posted earlier?

    • Ryan says:

      RG – I’m not arguing at all that CB isn’t funny. He’s fucking hilarious or else I wouldn’t be here. There is a pretty big difference between mocking a guy with a doll in his ass and this though. That, and the third to last guy is “goofy-cute” (and no, I don’t live anywhere near there so it’s not me!).

      I guess I’m just uptight; clearly I need to get laid more! Maybe I should take a ridiculous grindr pic… puff out my stomach and pose so I have a triple chin.

  22. CitizenKurt says:

    This is my favorite non Comix post EVER.. Keep up the good work

  23. Elvis says:

    But he didnt actually say anything mean about the Men, it was about the silly poses which the article is about. So I see no need to be offended.

  24. Rick/CJ says:

    Hey The 8th one down is me damn you. 🙂

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