Pardon me, while I use my blog as a way to lament my poor dating luck.
And this time, when I say “dating” I mean real dating… not “dating for an hour, horizontally and naked.” And while horizontal dating IS fun (and my usual modus operandi), I have found lately that I would really like to go on a date date.
Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.
I seem to be hopelessly trapped in some sort of dating “phantom zone”. I can see the guys I’d like to date, but there is always some barrier preventing me from reaching them. And the people that ARE available for me to date, are the ones trapped in the zone with me:
A snarky bitch. An egomaniacal, old guy. Or a retarded bear.
Yippie skippy.
Cases in point: the last few times I have seen attractive guys online– guys that I wanted to hit up for not just sex– I have sent them nice, complimentary messages. The responses have been:
(a) thank you for your response, but I am not interested at this time
(b) ty (Which, btw is an instant turn-off. Abbreviating ‘thank you’ means you evidently can’t be bothered with more, or you are a txt boi. Uggh.)
(c) Have you met my wife and kids?
(d) Oh, I’m a bottom too. Good luck, tho’.
And when I do get “lucky” enough to have a guy come on to me, it is never anyone that I remotely want to date. Or have coffee with. Or even fuck.
Again, cases in point: I have had three different guys hit on me in the past couple of weeks.
Guy #1 is 22 years old. Twenty Two! He’s in college, weighs all of 120 lbs soaking wet, wears a faux-hawk (with bleached tips), and I’m fairly certain he has a belly button piercing. And he considers me prime ‘daddy’ material for his semi-effeminate “boi-ish” self.
He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. When I asked what he meant by “hang out”- he said, “Oh, you know. Coffee. Movies. Or fucking. Whatevs.”
I’m sorry, but I didn’t do 22, even when I WAS 22.
Guy #2 is 63 years old. Yes. Sixty-fucking-three! The complete other end of the spectrum. Yes, I like the occasional “daddy” to ravage me, but not one almost the same age as my dad. How in the fuck am I supposed to date this? What do we have in common? How would I ever bring him home to meet my parents? They’d just think I was bringing them a potential bridge partner!
Plus this guy was quite forward (some would say insistant) and he really-really-REALLY wanted to go on a coffee date with me.
And then possibly wear my skin as some sort of suit afterward. I wasn’t sure.
Guy #3 was actually around my age (quel suprise!). He hit on me just yesterday in the sauna at the gym. He opened our conversation by asking about the meaning of my leg tattoo, and then we talked about buddhism and eastern religions. Which was nice.
I picked up on the fact he was gay, from his not-so-subtle lisp and the way he kept eyeing my crotch. But he could hold a conversation, so I might have been willing to overlook this stuff.
But then he stood up.
The guy was maybe 5’4″. And rather portly. And too… erm… short. He followed me to the showers and naturally opted for the showerhead right next to mine. It was slightly uncomfortable, really. And not just because I felt like Gigantor next to him.
He did ask me what I was doing after the gym… and I fibbed and said I had to get to a music rehearsal. (I really DID have a rehearsal– just not for 3 hours.) I just couldn’t see the point of grabbing coffee with the guy when I just really wasn’t attracted to him.
***sigh***
As each year passes, I appear to get less and less “dateable”. And as each year passes, the pool of potential guys gets shallower and shallower. The above examples represent all of the dating options I currently have.
I know, I know. Waaaah! Poor baby, right? I’m too picky. And shallow myself. And I should be grateful that guys are even hitting on me. Yeah yeah, I get that.
But if you are over 40 and single, when’s the last time you went on a successful date?
And I also know that some of my readers (who have flattered me with kind words in the past) may be pissed off by this post. Please realize, this is not about you. I so would date most of you in a heartbeat. And by most I mean the unattached, sexually available ones.
But fat lot of good it does me when y’all live like 1000 miles away! No offense, but I’m kinda shooting for a guy in a 15 miles radius or less.
I guess I’m just in one of my “I’m a decent guy with a lot to offer, so why doesn’t anybody want me” phases. It’ll pass, as it always does, after I realize that I’m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life and I have a good cry while eating an entire box of Ho-Ho’s and watching the movie “Trick”.
And what’s not dateable about that?
Mangina Monologues 
I wish I had some encouraging words, but I read that at you’re age you are more likely to be taken prisoner by a terrorist group like the Symbionese Liberation Army than find someone.
Of course that is ridiculous. But so is the idea that turning down three creeps (yes, they sounded like creeps to me too) suggest that you and your mangina are ‘doomed to be alone for the rest of your life’. But it sounds like you know that 🙂
PS It looks like my spell check does not recognize ‘mangina’. It’s a kind of small lap dog, yes?
Oh gawd. I’m breathing a sigh of relief. I thought I saw my profile in this post. I was nervous!
Hey handsome, well none of those boys will do so you just have to keep on looking. But as soul destroying as this is for you, it’s hilarious for us reading about it. So in one way I really hope you do find love but in another way, nah, this is golden.
Stop bitching and pay someone to be your boyfriend already or date someone you’re not attracted to but will give you a lifestyle you can point to when people question your man choice. As Patrick Stewart says in “Jeffrey”” ‘I didn’t say you needed a relationship. I staid you needed a boyfriend.” Nothing is more man repellent than a whiny, desperate, aging ‘mo.
OK. So that was my best “CB” voice. But you know I’m all about the love and relationships and wanting my friends (on line or otherwise) to be happy. So I’ll just keep hoping you’ll discover the man that was worth waiting for soon. As cheesy as it is to say, all you can really do is put yourself out there, be open to meeting someone, stay social and visible and connected and enjoy your life as much as possible as a single man and independent person until opportunity comes a knocking. I wish I could offer you more than a visit filled with mind blowing sex and above average smart and meaningful conversation, but the hubby just won’t go so far as to be polyamorous and allow for anything more than periodic indescretions and an unlimited budget for porn and call boys. therefore, the triad I dream of with you can never be. Why don’t you do a post about all the qualities you want/are attracted to/can tolerate and we can start sending you options from our local pool?
Sigh…don’t be sad pretty boy. Your man will come along some day and, if he doesn’t, you’re going to make great blog fodder some day for your friends and neighbors as “the strange old guy who lives alone and plays dirges on his brass instruments while eating cat food and masturbating on his front steps in his bathroom while feeding the birds.” And that will give your life meaning and purpose 😉
Well, clearly, you haven’t put in your online profile the amazing skill of “shooting within a 15 mile radius.” Do it and they’ll come a-running!
At least your one step ahead with the “I’m doomed to live alone” thing: You own a cat. A cat named Phoebe. Now go wrap that nice throw your mother knitted you for Xmas around your shoulders, curl up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream in front of you and enjoy another episode of Tiaras and Toddlers and……
Sorry…. Bitch please. Get out of the house, go to a gay bar, shake your money maker and have some fun. Say hello and introduce yourself to an insanely handsome man, someone whom you would consider “out of your league” (which btw is total bullshit), and put it out there! And wear your new grey sweatpants your mother gave you, commando with a cockring.
“A snarky bitch. An egomaniacal, old guy. Or a retarded bear.” What about all three rolled into one? That’d be me, I think.
I don’t know what to tell you, since I’ve been in a relationship for so long. But I do know I wasn’t looking at the time, and it just happened.
Now if you said you weren’t doing any horizontal dating, then we’d all be worried. You’ll find your mate.
Unless of course the “Find Christian Singles” ad in this post scared them off…
That is probably the single most sweet and honest post I’ve ever read. That is all 🙂
Don’t you have friends who could set you up on dates?
Stop being a picky vadge-rash and date them all…
No instant spark doesn’t mean there isn’t a slow burn that will envelop you and lead to some sort of gay spontaneous combustion (but where the flames are replaced with bodily fluids).
Surely a nice coffee with a man is better than sitting at home wanking to lactating midget porn???
You may surprise yourself.
Sorry, you lost my sympathy when you blew off #3. If the conversation was good, it wouldn’t have hurt you to make a new friend. Besides, maybe, just maybe he has intelligent and incredibly hunky friends. I’m going to recommend that you go put on your hot pick up pants and take the route to Carnegie Hall….practice, practice, practice!
Looks like Erik beat me to the bitchy egomaniacal retarded bear comment. 😉
I’m probably the worst guy on the Internet to ask about such things, or next to him. I don’t know what I’d do in that situation. I probably wouldn’t even be able to get the hourly horizontal action going on.
Ugh… I’m exhausted just from reading about the scene. I’m sorry – really. Hopefully the axiom “good things that come to those who wait” is true.
and the prize for the comment lacking most in empathy goes to Cubby. Love it!
Hang in there – if you were closer — I would date you and i know you probably dont want to hear that — but if you are serious — think of the places you are looking to meet your date – look outside the gym and in the areas where you find your own interests lie and you will be suprised. I know it is cliche’ – but once you stop looking – the boys will be lining up at your door. You will also find the right one when you least expect it. Stay warm!!
Look at you as a commodity that needs to be marketed and exposed (not in the nude beach way but you know what I mean). Join a gay friendly volunterr group, like at an animal shelter, or some political group. Even if your not political, all these gay lobby groups have benefits that need volunteers you can work at. And nothing provides more positive exposure, and makes you look hotter, like dressing in a tux to raise money for a worhty cause.
You know I think you’re so hot that butter would melt in your hands. Then, you could rub it all over me while we caressed by a roaring fire. Come out as a latent “Total Top” and I’m on the next plane already. (Sheesh! Some people don’t want the help.)
Please don’t take this as passing judgement on you, but assuming your perception that you are “undateable” is correct, perhaps it is the price you are now paying for having had lots and lots of casual sex in your twenties and thirties while others were entering into long-term relationships. Why would you now expect so many so-called “good” men to be available to you just because you are now ready for “real” dating? You have to know that the majority of them are already taken. Congratulations, you are now experiencing what over-forty, straight single women having been dealing with forever.
Ouch, Chris! Not all of us over 40 chose not to settle down earlier! Some of us did indeed settle down and now find ourselves single again. But you are correct — it is the same for women over 40.
CB
If this is something you truly want, you need to figure out what is stopping you. Maybe spend a little time in therapy and figure it out. What we say we want and what we do to get are often not connected. You seem to have a lot to offer (why would all these guys have an online bromance with you), and you achieve everything you set out to do (job, condo, corps, friends). Maybe approach it from a different angle, get a new perspective from an objective person, if you want to see if you get a different result. (You’re really too damn cute to be on the market).
Oh cb, cb, cb. I do understand how you feel. Not because I’ve been there, but because you are so articulate. If I were single and lived closer, I would totally try to date you, although I’d most likely end up in the “guys I’m not interested in” category. My best advice is to get out a lot, have a positive/open attitude, and be friendly with everyone you meet.
Take comfort that you aren’t alone in this quest, at least. I live in a city that abounds with gay men, but few meet certain requisite criteria. The last one I dated had developed a foul odor that ended our romance…The one before that was a nighttime teeth grinder who sounded like he was chewing Grape-Nuts in his sleep, and the one before that never wanted to go to his place because his idea of housekeeping was letting the cat do the dishes. Oh, I’ve had my rounds with the twenty-somethings. Lots of fun for about ten minutes until you meet their friends…or worse, their parents. Perhaps I think too much of myself and have an unrealistic image in my head of exactly who I want to love, but come on. There’s got to be more out there than what I’ve encountered. Good Luck, cb. Leave the Ho-Ho’s at the checkout counter.
maybe shopping for dates at the online whore sites is not the best of ideas. if you are 28 and hot you cannot miss, but when you are older, heavier and not a head-turner it is time to come up with a new game plan.