Pardon me, while I use my blog as a way to lament my poor dating luck.
And this time, when I say “dating” I mean real dating… not “dating for an hour, horizontally and naked.” And while horizontal dating IS fun (and my usual modus operandi), I have found lately that I would really like to go on a date date.
Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.
I seem to be hopelessly trapped in some sort of dating “phantom zone”. I can see the guys I’d like to date, but there is always some barrier preventing me from reaching them. And the people that ARE available for me to date, are the ones trapped in the zone with me:
A snarky bitch. An egomaniacal, old guy. Or a retarded bear.
Cases in point: the last few times I have seen attractive guys online– guys that I wanted to hit up for not just sex– I have sent them nice, complimentary messages. The responses have been:
(a) thank you for your response, but I am not interested at this time
(b) ty (Which, btw is an instant turn-off. Abbreviating ‘thank you’ means you evidently can’t be bothered with more, or you are a txt boi. Uggh.)
(c) Have you met my wife and kids?
(d) Oh, I’m a bottom too. Good luck, tho’.
And when I do get “lucky” enough to have a guy come on to me, it is never anyone that I remotely want to date. Or have coffee with. Or even fuck.
Again, cases in point: I have had three different guys hit on me in the past couple of weeks.
Guy #1 is 22 years old. Twenty Two! He’s in college, weighs all of 120 lbs soaking wet, wears a faux-hawk (with bleached tips), and I’m fairly certain he has a belly button piercing. And he considers me prime ‘daddy’ material for his semi-effeminate “boi-ish” self.
He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. When I asked what he meant by “hang out”- he said, “Oh, you know. Coffee. Movies. Or fucking. Whatevs.”
I’m sorry, but I didn’t do 22, even when I WAS 22.
Guy #2 is 63 years old. Yes. Sixty-fucking-three! The complete other end of the spectrum. Yes, I like the occasional “daddy” to ravage me, but not one almost the same age as my dad. How in the fuck am I supposed to date this? What do we have in common? How would I ever bring him home to meet my parents? They’d just think I was bringing them a potential bridge partner!
Plus this guy was quite forward (some would say insistant) and he really-really-REALLY wanted to go on a coffee date with me.
And then possibly wear my skin as some sort of suit afterward. I wasn’t sure.
Guy #3 was actually around my age (quel suprise!). He hit on me just yesterday in the sauna at the gym. He opened our conversation by asking about the meaning of my leg tattoo, and then we talked about buddhism and eastern religions. Which was nice.
I picked up on the fact he was gay, from his not-so-subtle lisp and the way he kept eyeing my crotch. But he could hold a conversation, so I might have been willing to overlook this stuff.
But then he stood up.
The guy was maybe 5’4″. And rather portly. And too… erm… short. He followed me to the showers and naturally opted for the showerhead right next to mine. It was slightly uncomfortable, really. And not just because I felt like Gigantor next to him.
He did ask me what I was doing after the gym… and I fibbed and said I had to get to a music rehearsal. (I really DID have a rehearsal– just not for 3 hours.) I just couldn’t see the point of grabbing coffee with the guy when I just really wasn’t attracted to him.
As each year passes, I appear to get less and less “dateable”. And as each year passes, the pool of potential guys gets shallower and shallower. The above examples represent all of the dating options I currently have.
I know, I know. Waaaah! Poor baby, right? I’m too picky. And shallow myself. And I should be grateful that guys are even hitting on me. Yeah yeah, I get that.
But if you are over 40 and single, when’s the last time you went on a successful date?
And I also know that some of my readers (who have flattered me with kind words in the past) may be pissed off by this post. Please realize, this is not about you. I so would date most of you in a heartbeat. And by most I mean the unattached, sexually available ones.
But fat lot of good it does me when y’all live like 1000 miles away! No offense, but I’m kinda shooting for a guy in a 15 miles radius or less.
I guess I’m just in one of my “I’m a decent guy with a lot to offer, so why doesn’t anybody want me” phases. It’ll pass, as it always does, after I realize that I’m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life and I have a good cry while eating an entire box of Ho-Ho’s and watching the movie “Trick”.
And what’s not dateable about that?