If there’s a cure for this…

… I don’t want it.

Last night I realized that I’m an addict, pure and simple. And there’s no 12 step, jesus-freak program that’s gonna help me overcome it.

I came to this conclusion when, in my exhausted state from a long drum corps rehearsal, I deliberately chose to stay up and watch “Toddlers & Tiaras” rather than hit the hay.

God, the show is deliciously creepy! I think the only way I could be more horrified (yet strangely titillated) would be by watching sad clowns masturbate.

Yes, the show is *that* good!

The anxiety. The hope. The crushing defeats. The tantrums. The drama! The show has it all!

And more white trash Southerners than you can hit when swingin’ a dead possum!

What is it with the South** that it produces the basest parts of American society? I mean, can you think of a single Jerry Springer or Maury Povich episode where the guests DIDN’T have a strong Southern drawl?

Well, evidently South is a breeding ground for these Little Miss Prostitute pageants, too.

Last night’s pageant’s theme was “New Orleans Mardi Gras”. The girls dressed like mini Can Can dancers on some Voodoo Crewe parade float.  Frankly, I’m surprised that we didn’t see the 5 year olds flash their breast nubs for beads.

My guess is that action happened off-camera.

One of my favorite constants last night was named Kaylee (or something equally tragic, I really don’t remember). She lived in a double-wide with her momma and granny:

Talk about “double wide”!

I wasn’t sure what was more disturbing- the slut-off dance between gap-tooth Granny and her grandchild, or the mom’s FUPA.  (When she walked it looked like she had an ass in the front of her jeans).

There were so many moments where I wanted to pause the TV and capture images– but I forced myself to stop.  My iPhone only has so much memory, after all.

It’s all just too much.  Complete brain overload. Yet today I’m completely jonesing to share the experience of watching it with you!

I crave finding fellow addicts to discuss the tragic stage parents and all the little whores with.

Seriously, y’all need to watch this- ya hear?

**My apologies to all my southern friends, but I mean… c’mon.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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9 Responses to If there’s a cure for this…

  1. A. Lewis says:

    Double wide with a tip-out, you mean. JFC.

    Reminds me of Tantrums and Tiaras……

  2. Dustin says:

    I foresee the end of the show coming when an obsessed fan kidnaps one of the children 🙂

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention If there’s a cure for this… | Mangina Monologues -- Topsy.com

  4. Jim says:

    I love how they all acknowledge their freak flags and they don’t care. But that little three year old on last night’s episode has been far my favorite. Even more than the money hungry little girl!

  5. Partick says:

    You are definitely not alone. I nearly sunk into depression when I realized that the DVR didn’t record it this week.

  6. Ben says:

    “…sad clowns masturbate.” actually made me *snort* out loud and Diet Coke went up my nose. Too funny.

  7. Mr Broudy says:

    FUPA… oh, you mean a “gunt”.

  8. rg says:

    Hoarders is to me, what Toddlers and Tiaras is to you. LOL

  9. Mark in DE says:

    That show, and thinking about it while reading this post, both make me nauseous.

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