The Process…

I wish I could say buying a condo was fun.  It wasn’t.

Sure I’m happy now– ecstatic even.  But the “during” portion was excruciatingly painful.

Most of the pain centered around my mortgage lender and the actual loan underwriters.  Finding the place was easy.  Bidding was easy.  Signing the documents at closing was easy.  It was just the stuff in-between the accepted offer and the actual closing that sucked dirty ass.

Things I learned by going through the process are:

(1) It ain’t over til it’s over.

Until the last i is dotted, the final t crossed and you have the keys in your hot grubby paw, it isn’t over.  Something could always go wrong.  Some scrap of paper missing, some box filled out incorrectly, electronic approvals could be late… something.

Because of some last minute paperwork that was needed, I did not know until noon on Tuesday, that I was actually going to be closing on the condo… at 3 pm.  Three motherfucking hours to spare.

(2)  Loan Pre-Approval doesn’t mean diddly squat.

This is how they sucker you in.  Yes, you really need to do it so you know how much money you may or may not have to spend.  But just because you are “pre-approved” doesn’t mean that they will actually approve you when the time comes.

Once I made the offer on the condo, my loan guy said, “Well, let’s hope we can get this loan approved.”  WHAT??? “Condos are tricky, cb, and there are a lot of pitfalls.  We’ll do our best.”

NOT a warm and fuzzy feeling when you have fallen in love with a potential new home.

(3)  Loan Underwriters are cunts.

I realize the process of getting loan approval is much more stringent now, given the housing market crisis.  Just be prepared to be raped under a forensic microscope.  They ask for official copies of EVERYTHING.  Bank statements, credit reports, savings, assets, debt, 401K amounts, arrest history, schooling, employment history, bankruptcy history, your cat’s maiden name… everything.

Example- since my credit score isn’t 760, I had to write a “letter of explanation” on why I had some late payments in 2006 and 2007.  And if the underwriter didn’t like the letter?  No loan for cb!

(4)  Assume all the people working on your stuff are idiots.

Have all of your documentation at your fingertips– electronically if possible so it can be easily sent to people.  Be prepared to provide all of your life information time and time again.  Be prepared to sign everything several times.  And be prepared that someone (inspector, appraiser, condo office assistant, mortgage lender) is gonna fuck up a document along the way and cause you stress.

For me there were many fuckups- but my favorite was the Condo Office clerk who checked “yes” that my new digs were a “resort hotel that rents rooms by the day” on the very important “condo questionnaire”.  Had this not been caught, the underwriters would have declined the loan.

(5)  Don’t schedule to close anywhere near a major holiday (especially not Christmas).

Seriously, lesson learned here.  Because of vacations and parties and the end of the year and christmas shopping… people are not going to want to be focused on you.  People’s minds are elsewhere and things just move more slowly.  Trust me.  Close in February or March or something.

(5)  Do your best not to stress

Ha!  Yeah, right.  This coming from me, who worried himself into an ulcer (not really joking) over this whole process.  It’s difficult not to stress when it’s such a major undertaking and a big change in your life.  So take deep breaths.  Do yoga.  Work out.

However, take control of the things you can (your documents and personal info) and stay on top of the mortgage lender.  Ask questions.  Review all the paperwork.  And be a royal pain in their ass.

Because it’ll be worth it in the end.


About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Process…

  1. Sean says:

    If I were there, I’d give you:
    Bread… that your house may never know hunger.
    Salt… that your life may always have flavor.
    And wine… that joy and prosperity may reign forever. Enter the CB Castle.

  2. John says:

    Congratulations! I have been hearing all kinds of horror stories on loan approvals lately.

    Oh, and it isn’t over until the deed is recorded. Not to freak you out or anything :).

  3. rg says:

    Congrats again! And if I was there, I’d give you a stress-relieving blow-job. 🙂

  4. Cubby says:

    Congratulations on the new digs CB!
    I read what Sean wrote and fell in love with him a little. Then I read what RG wrote and fell in love with him a little too. I’ll just say if I was there I would give you what both Sean and RG are giving you, but in reverse order 🙂

  5. ZANE says:

    someone had their property virgin cherry popped!!!

  6. rjjs8878 says:

    Loan underwriters are definitely cunts. My partner and I had issues refinancing our house, a house we have a ton of equity in. We were only refinancing 150k. The underwriter would not consider my six figure income because I have been working under an employment contract for less than two years. Thankfully my partner’s income was sufficient to qualify for the loan.

  7. Mark in DE says:

    Sorry to hear you went through such a stressful process, and I couldn’t agree more with your lessons learned. Fortunately it was worth it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s