Flogging the Bishop

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed,I felt a slight twinge in my special area.

It was sort of a “hey, remember me?” twinge.  Not enough to get me to knock up a sock, but enough to get me thinking about it.

More specifically, thinking “Hrm.  When was the last time I fired off a few knuckle children?”  Well, I hadn’t all week so far.  And I didn’t this past weekend, as I was staying with friends at Cedar Point.  And I don’t think I did any snake charming on Thursday of last week.  Or Wednesday…

Shit.  When WAS the last time I wanked?

Hell, it’s not like I make each toss off a memorable occasion.  I don’t light candles, wine and dine Rosy Palm, and then spend an hour in the pleasure dome.  No, I flip on some porn and in a couple minutes it’s “Onan, cleanup on aisle three!”

But try as I might, I couldn’t for the life of me accurately remember when I’d last choked the chicken.  It had easily been well over a week… if not two.

And the sad part was… I hadn’t even missed doing it.  I was just “meh” about the whole thing.

What’s wrong with me??

Well, it isn’t like I was ever a “serial spanker”.  Not even as a teenager.  Jerking off once every other day was about my maximum frequency.  Two or three days in a row?  That was excessive– and exceedinly rare.  And twice in one day??

Maybe if I was really bored and it was raining.

But going two weeks and not doing it?  That’s just crazy talk!  I mean, once I went a whole month without rubbing one out, but that was because I was marching in the Cavaliers and there was absolutely ZERO alone time.

Anyway, so this got me curious about my readership.  I began to wonder just how often my readers were tapping the keg?  And then I wondered if they’d tell me–  especially now that this “anti-masturbation” Christine O’Donnell whackjob (pun intended) is getting all kinds of press.

Yeah, my readers are pervs.  They’ll tell me.  C’mon!  There are no secrets from Uncle CB!

Hell, I’ll even make it easy on you.  You can be all ‘anonymous’ and just answer the poll.  Or you can be bold and leave me a comment, too.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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12 Responses to Flogging the Bishop

  1. Sean says:

    The best way to fight anti-masturbation attitudes is to talk about it9and do it?) in the open, so I’m going to overcome my normally private, puritan, prudish disposition and be honest:

    I enjoy harvesting hand babies, although I will ALWAYS prefer to get off with another dude as opposed to getting off alone, even if we’re just masturbating together.

    My wanking ebbs and flows (no pun intended.) I go through spans of rubbing rod daily, sometimes multiple times a day, and sometimes spans of not manhandling my manbits for days on end. The only time I’ve ever gone without sliding shaft for longer than a week, though, is when I have been hospitalized or incredibly ill which tends to drop my sexual urges into the negative zone. I get silly with willy in the shower more often than not if I’m home, but if I’m going to the gym I don’t (despite all the man-material there to charge my batteries because I’m a good gay and don’t jerk in the gym.) I think, overall, excluding periods of illness, I probably, on average, shoot seed once a day, since there are days I can’t seem to sate the urge and get grabby with my goods 5 or 6 times in a day which makes up for the week that might go by when I’m otherwise distracted and not lobbing love lube across my abdomen. SO I’m going with once a day. Clearly, I work the worm way more often, and always have, than you do or ever did. (Let me know if I can help with that *wink*)

    • kyle says:

      reading sean’s comments kinda makes me feel funny down there. time to spank it.

      oh, and in answer to the question – you already know i do it multiple times a day… and hell, even being in the hospital didn’t stop me.

  2. joe says:

    It isn’t even noon yet and I’ve jerked off more times today than I care to admit.

    OK, fine. 4 times already today.

  3. anne marie in philly says:

    VERY funny post today; lots of double entendres!

    perhaps twice a month, in the shower, with my shower massage head (heh heh heh, I said head).

    as a str8 girl, I must say that menopause (I am 56) knocked the wind outta the sails. when the urge hits, I do it, but I am not obsessive about keeping track or keeping quotas.

    and thank dog no one has selected the last category in your poll – those types are some sick muthas!

  4. Kevin says:

    i have to admit, I’m really impressed that you used 12 different euphemisms for “masturbation” in the span of 14 stanzas, and a poll.

    oh and honorable mentions to Sean who hit 11 DIFFERENT euphemisms.


  5. Kevin says:

    oops … i forgot to count the title of this post. That makes it thirteen.

  6. Sean says:

    Damn! If I’d know it was a contest, I’d have thrown in Yank the Yardstick, Jackhammer the Junior, Lure out the Load, Pull on the Pleasure Pole and Make a Withdraw at the Sperm Bank.

  7. BrienBear says:

    Wow! I seem to be in the minority. I actually put “once a day” because thats probably the “average” rounded down. Usually its 1-2 times a day is typical, with weekends being more. It also depends on if I’ve had sex or not too. Strangely, RIGHT after I’ve had sex, I tend to jerk off that same day, then the next couple days I’m like “enh.” Then my libido kicks up again and the cycle repeats itself. The longest I’ve gone is probably 4-5 days and thats because I’m in a situation where I can’t (traveling w/friends, etc)..

    I kinda feel like I have an overactive libido now after this LOL

  8. Mark in DE says:

    I think age is a big factor. As men age (over 40) their libido tends to lessen. I’m 46 and I do it about every other day, with some exceptions in both directions. Funny post!!

  9. CawfeeGuy says:

    I’m just impressed with the number of euphemisms for masturbation you used without repeating yourself.

  10. Blobby says:

    Your answers do not apply to me. I certainly don’t find it a sin, and while I used to be a chronic masturbator, that is no longer the case. I can go for weeks (yes, weeks!) w/out doing it.

  11. Sean says:

    Blobby, just because you CAN is never a reason to do anything 😉

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