Wednesday Rant (American Idol)

What.  THE Fuck.  Is up with American Idol?

It’s bad this year.  Really bad.  Haitian earthquake bad.  “We are the World: the remake” bad!

I began my boycott at the very start of the season this year, and it has held up remarkably well.  I know I’ve threatened quit watching many times during the past several years.  But much like a Chilean beach tourist during a tsunami, I would get pulled back into the disaster.

Until this year.

I am proud to say I have successfully avoided watching a full episode to date, and have only seen snippets of some of the performances.  And what I have seen has sucked.  Truly sucked.  Painfully sucked.

We’re talking sucked more than Michael Jackson on a drunk 12 year olds no-no.  And that’s saying something!

Last night was one of my “surf by Idol to see what’s up” nights.

What I saw was so frighteningly awful that I think it gave me a new grey streak in my hair, like the movie Poltergeist.

This has got to be the last year, and the producers just don’t seem to give a shit anymore.  I mean, Miley-Horseface-Whore-DisneyProduct-Cyrus was the mentor last night.

The MENTOR for crying out loud!

This.  THIS was the mentor.

What exactly was she supposed to teach the Idol hopefuls?  How to bray through your nose while looking like a teenage hooker in a trailer park?

Dear American Idol:

men·tor

/ˈmɛntɔr, -tər/  [men-tawr, -ter]
–noun
1.  a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
2.  an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

Does Miley really fit any part of this definition?

Ha ha  Mirey!  You pray joke!  You go pee-pee in his Coke?
 

Jesus, are they scraping the bottom of the crapbarrel this year.  And this goes for the judges too.

Ellen DeGeneres as a judge?  Ellen??  I love her to death, but get one of those big hook things and yank her sorry ass from the judges panel.  She’s completely out of her element and offers nothing of value to the show– other than her name.

And sensible shoes.

As for the remaining three judges?  They all deserve a punch in their respective throats (two for Kara!).  You can tell by watching the judge’s critiques that they just don’t give a flying fuck anymore.  They’re tired of the shitstained ball-sucking that passes for singing this year on Idol.

Oh, and don’t get me started on this year’s crop of  “talent”.  Out of all the many thousands who auditioned, you figure they could have found at least ONE hottie who could carry a tune.  But evidently this is the year of the fat fuggo contestant.

Or the year of the bad teeth.  You choose.

Hell, give me back the days of Melinda Doolittle.  The girl had no neck, but at least bitch could SING!

American Idol?  More like American A-hole.   Fox needs to jam a big fork in you because you are DONE.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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11 Responses to Wednesday Rant (American Idol)

  1. SID says:

    @@@ AMEN @@@@

  2. I haven’t watched 10 seconds of it this year. From everything I’ve been hearing, I made the right decision. Miley Cyrus. Seriously?

  3. Heat says:

    After hearing that one of the girls sang Janis last night, I was immediately relieved that I didn’t watch. I would have had a broked tee vee.

  4. J James says:

    I am in agreement. I watched the first few episodes of the season but quickly lost interest.

  5. Virginia says:

    A – freakin – men.

  6. Joe says:

    I was umm….busy…last night and wasn’t able to watch but it’s waiting for me in the DVR. Now I’m kinda thinking I’ll just hit the red delete button and be busy some more.

  7. Christopher says:

    I only tune in for the auditions…now that’s comedy!

  8. A. Lewis says:

    So inexperienced, so shy, so backwards, so whimpy, so terrible. Even the two top dogs (Dewyze and Bowersox) are not making that connection with me. I love to hear them sing, but there seems to be something blocking their advancement. They seem like they are backwards, or have some mental or emotional blockage, or something weird. If this is THE best they could find, we’re in trouble. And tonight Ms. Paige Miles needs to go away. (They can keep Tim Urban around simply for viewing purposes.)

  9. Dustin says:

    I flick between what I kinda don’t want to be watching (90210 shit) and this. I quickly rather watch the 90210 shit.

    I just DONT know what they were thinking this year. With Simon leaving this season, just kill the show. I haven’t watched enough of the results shows to see if they’ve had “A record number of votes!”

    BTW, they aren’t fat fuggos, they are Danny “Christian” Gokey wannabes. The outfits, the songs, the GLASSES. Why would you want to be that asshole?

  10. sean says:

    For someone who claims to have barely watched this season, you wrote a very detailed and accurate rant.

  11. dirkmancuso says:

    That “Against All Odds” trainwreck was like a bad high school audition…

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