Seven Reasons I Love Flash Gordon…

(or how I learned to stop worrying and love being a fanboy)

Honestly, I cannot artfully explain why I love this movie, and why it is continually placed in my pantheon of all-time favorites.  But I’m gonna try.

Last night I made Kyle watch “Flash Gordon”.  He’d never seen it before. 

***record scratch***

I know, right?  How could he be of my, erm… “vintage” and MISSED this movie??  But somehow he had, and we rectified this dreadful oversite on Sunday evening.

He didn’t like it especially.

As the movie ended, he turned to me and asked, “And WHY is it that you like this film again?”

#1– Sam Jones

Remember, I first saw this film in 1980 when I was just a wee tot.  And I SO sprouted wood for Sammy boy!  He was looking all nasty in his khakis, with that snug t-shirt on.  Mmm hmmm!  Plus, I own the Playgirl with his nakedness in it– and yeah.  He wields a nice sword.

#2– The Dungeon Scene

Yeah, he fine!  AND he has a bit of a furry chest!!  Who knew that by seeing this movie (6 times in the theater) that it would somehow start me on my lifelong path of discovery concerning leather, bondage, and dungeon play??

#3–  Leather Hawkmen / Prince Barrin

Hello Timothy Dalton!  Yeah, before his shitty stint as 007 he played a green-tights wearin’ Prince of Mongo.  And he was dead sexy back then!  (Plus in the background you can see all the harness/bondage hawkmen.

Speaking of Hawkmen– here’s Hawk DADDY himself, Brian Blessed as Prince Vultan:

He’s a big, barrel-chested, Tit Pig look-alike with a mouth so large it looks like he could fit an entire fist inside.  What’s not to love about THAT?

#4–  The Overt Hypersexuality

The whole fucking film is about sex.  The costumes are skimpy and reveal a LOT of flesh.  Bondage gear is incorporated.  The movie basically starts with sexual tension between Flash and Dale.  Princess Aura is all about makin’ da sexy (The royal surgeon, Prince Barrin, Flash, etc).  Hell, she even flirts with her DAD for Dizan’s Sake!  And when they execute Flash, he’s paraded around dressed just in leather undies!

And the scene where Aura is held down and whipped by Kala (girl on girl– woot!), Klytus has them bring “the bore worms”.  Heh heh heh.

And the phallus imagery is just over the TOP.  It’s used everywhere– from Zarkov’s lab and rocket to the design of the space ships.  I mean, c’mon:

Sure it looks like a cartoon version of a wasp.  But what the fuck ELSE does it look like?  Long shaft… big bulbous head…  Shit.  It looks like one of those Sharper Image “neck massagers”!

Lastly, the character names– they are all merely one step away from being overt sexual puns.  Which is why the movie FLESH Gordon works so very well.

#5–  The Comicbook Style Filming

Yes, this movie was done a few years after Star Wars, so certainly the technology existed to make this a more “realistic” space adventure.  But the filmmakers instead stayed true to the original Golden Age comic strips (and movie serials from the 30’s).  The camera angles are reminiscent of comic book panels.  The way the rockets fly, or glass “breaks”, or even the design of the moons of Mongo– it’s all not “realistic”.  It’s comic-istic.

Even the dialog is comic book cheesy.  Very much along the lines of “can’t… hold… on… much… longer…”.  Sure there is some bad acting to go along with the bad dialog (Dale and Flash).  But there is also some good acting (all the British Shakespearean trained actors).

#6–  The Costumes / Sets

Gotta love that Dino De Laurentis!  Obviously he decided that the majority of the film’s budget would be spent on costumes and sets and not on special effects.  Because there really AREN’T any special effects in the entire film.  But the costumes– lordy!

It’s like Erte fucked Mao.

Everything is Chinese Police State meets Art Deco meets retro-future meets a Drag Queen’s bugle bead stash meets gold spray paint.  And I love it ALL!  Check out Dale Arden’s Wedding Gown:

Fuck, is it wrong that I want to be married in this?

#7– The Villians

For me, it just doesn’t get any better than Max Von Sydow as “Ming”.  He rocks the part.  I love his delivery, his gestures, the way his hooded eyes open when he’s intrigued or challenged.  He is just all kinds of awesome!

Of course, General Klytus and General Kala also rock in their respective parts.  Especially Klytus.  He rocks the whole fey-yet-not-to-be-trifled-with vibe.

 

So there are just a few of the reasons why I like this film.  I’ve seen the damn thing so many times that I can quote it verbatim– WITH actions and gestures!  It’s my “rocky horror”.  And I can’t wait to watch it again now!

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About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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19 Responses to Seven Reasons I Love Flash Gordon…

  1. Howard says:

    “Dispatch War Rocket Ajax to bring back his body!”

    I love Flash Gordon. I think I made my mom take me like three times to see it. General Klytus scared the crap out of me and I cheered when he finally bit it.

    And Brian Blessed… OMG! If God exists, then he has this man’s voice. Big, booming, manly… makes my titties hard.

  2. fendor says:

    I prefer FLESH GORDON

  3. heat says:

    I’ve seen every movie ever made, yet I have not seen this one. I did just watch Xanadu for the first time a few weeks back…….it really sucked.

  4. romach says:

    This my my most fav movie of all time. I know every line from it!

  5. Shel says:

    This is why I know you are my SOUL MATE! I LOVE this movie. I too can recite it word for word… And did you know that Sam’s voice didn’t fit the character – all of his lines were voiced over. Sammy was one of my first loves – I mean lusts. WOW… I even bought a bootleg Brazilian disc off ebay before it was sold here. I even have a t-shirt with the logo. Have you seen him lately? Not so hot stuff…Same with Gil Gerard, who was one hot bear…

  6. YvesPaul says:

    I was probably when I saw it and I loved it too. Maybe Flash Gordon made me gay… lol.

  7. bearpupuk says:

    This is one of my favourite films too!

    The campery, the costumes, it was a gay Barbarella for the 80s!

    And lets be honest we’d kill for some of those costumes 🙂

    Oooh and Queens sound track! mustn’t forget that, Freddy and the boys put the cherry on this particular camp confection!

    Any gay man who doesn’t love this film probably needs their gay license revoking or, at the very least to re-sit their gay levels! 😀

  8. madhouse6 says:

    i never said i didn’t like it – i actually enjoyed the campiness of it all. it was a fun movie.

    ‘course – now i’ve done/sat through two things cb lives for a) high school marching band and b) flash gordon.

    i’m plotting my revenge even as we speak.

  9. Tony says:

    I never sat through this one. Though I loved the original with Buster Crabb.

  10. klytus7 says:

    I love this movie and this ranks up there with Star Wars, although I am not gay, “not that there’s anything wrong with that”, I’m surprised gay people like it. Anyway good points, and Klytus Rules.End of line.

  11. Chris says:

    I loved this movie as well. We just recently rewatched when it was on cable one night and Bryan was unsure as well why I so loved it. mmm Flash’s chest and pits…

  12. Dave says:

    Weird, I just Netflixed this movie last week and it was every bit as awesome as I remembered.

  13. Ray Ray says:

    I would add a Reason #8: the bad acting, which makes the film more charming. I love this flick, it used to play on HBO and Cinemax during summer vacation over and over and I loved watching Flash flex his muscles and flip his feathered blonde hair. It was so 80s, so of the era. Love it!

  14. Gooster says:

    It’s one of my favorite movies ever! My brother took me to see it in the theater right before he shipped out to basic training. So many happy thoughts!

  15. Chris says:

    Talk about a Blast from the Past. I had never thought about Klytus being one pissed off queen under all that. He did offer the movie’s grossest moment when his eyeballs bulge out of his mask.

    I think Ming used to bend him over and give it to him now and then

  16. MathewPhilip says:

    A lame movie, but one in which Sam is naked, is My Chauffeur

  17. klytus7 says:

    lollolol.. chris,Maybe I should change my name!End of line.

  18. RJ March says:

    i remember when he was in Play Girl magazine…

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