Reader’s Guide to Understanding ‘cb’

Disclaimer:  this blog post may contain high levels of sarcasm.  Any individuals who are pregnant, have a heart condition, or are otherwise overy sensitive to snarky behavior will want to take appropriate precautions before continuing to read.

It has come to my attention recently that many of my readers (and many of those whom I read) do not understand my particular brand of “snark”.

I hesitate to term it such, as I think that word is getting overused a bit.  Plus it’s a bit general, as I tend to employ irony, sarcasm, biting social commentary, hyperbole, slander, and outright outrageousness to get some of my points across.

Genuine ‘cb’ defined:

When I post on people’s blogs and say things like “I hope your father gets better soon!” or “Sorry to hear about your job, I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you.” — these are genuine comments designed to show that I am concerned and that I care.  Because I DO care.

No snark is used whatsoever during these times.  Besides, to joke about someone’s misfortunes is just cruel and hateful.

Unless it involves Madonna, then it’s ok.

(See?  Now THAT was snarky.  I threw that in to see if you were paying attention.)

Things that cb is NOT:

  • horribly racist
  • a right-wing Republican
  • a redneck
  • a christian fundamentalist
  • a woman  <== snarky spacer
  • religiously intolerant
  • vehemently political
  • a pedophile
  • a sociopath
  • a zealot
  • uninformed
  • stupid
  • violent
  • Rastafarian  <== full on snark

All this being said, in truth I probably have the teensiest portions of each of these items in my psyche (except for the pedophilia one) as I’m sure many of you do if you were honest with yourselves.  I mean, who isn’t just a little bit racist, just like in the song from Avenue Q?  Or a bit conservative on certain issues?  Or been uninformed or stupid at some point?  Or been penetrated like a woman?  <== gay truthiness snark

Or even smoked the occasional blunt to commune with God?  <== whoops, religious snark 

Now, it’s a good bet that if I do a post or a comment where I appear to be taking the side of a Republican or a Redneck racist or a Religious zealot then it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m *joking*.  Especially if I am way over the line in what I’m saying.

And when I DO go ‘way over the line’ it is not only for the intrinsic shock value, but also to illustrate some sort of point or highlight a sad truth.

Another clue as to when I’m joking is when I offset a comment or phrase as a “one liner” as evidenced above.  The smart readers out there have probably already picked up on this.  <== wow, bitchy snark!

Things cb Likes:

  • toilet humor
  • raunch
  • uncomfortable humor
  • insightful comments
  • pushing people’s buttons
  • one-line zingers
  • fighting fire with fire
  • obscure pop-cultural references
  • taking the piss out of someone who is too serious
  • subtlety  <== snarky or not?? you decide

When I write, I’m always thinking about what the post would sound like if read aloud.  This tends to keep my prose short.  Run-on sentences are generally avoided, unless humerous in some way.  Lengthy paragraphs are taboo.  The goal is to achieve a gentle, flowing conversational style without becoming sesquipedalian.

That means using big, multisyllabic words.  <== snark/irony

I also tend to use italics and capital letters to offset certain words that are meant to be vocally inflected more than the surrounding text (as if you were at a script table reading).

Now the use of italics generally implies a bit of vocal inflection.  But when I use all CAPITALS, then we’re talking big dramatic inflection.

Illustrative Examples:

A while back, some true Christian was gettin’ all up in my grill trying to tell me I was an abomination and going to hell and such.  I may or may not have responded this way:

cb:  Jesus Christ!  Do we need to kill your god AGAIN??

Remember, I told you that I am religiously tolerant– which I am.  I believe that everyone has the right to worship however they see fit.  But what I am NOT tolerant of, is people forcing their ideals upon me.

With this knowledge let’s review my above comment– it is basically a one-liner, that is over the top because I bring up not only killing Jesus, but also then take the lord’s name in vain.  It probably also served to push some buttons, was uncomfortable, and brought a bit of fighting zealot fire with fire.

In my book, a nearly perfect snarky comment.

Here’s another example:

Over at Joe My God’s blog yesterday, he did a post about Patti Lupone’s performance at the recent Tony Awards.  Evidently a great many in the gay community were cumming all over themselves at her “brilliant” turn as Mama Rose.

Personally, I couldn’t care less about Ms. Lupone and I watched the performance and was not blown away.

I mean, she’s a very fine stage actress and all, but that’s about it for me.  I wouldn’t pay any extra money to see her perform live or anything.  And I certainly don’t go ga-ga when she opens her crooked mouth to sing.  <==  not snark because it’s the truth

That being said, when I see that there are tons of people who think the sun rises and sets out of Patti’s ass… well then, that just screams “open season”, doesn’t it?  So this is what I posted on JMG’s blog in response:

cb:  Am I the only faggot on God’s green earth that wants to see Patti Lupone horribly disfigured in a stage accident so she has to wear a mask and haunt a theater for eternity??

Use of upsetting word ‘faggot’?  Check.  Suggesting over the top violence?  Check.  Attacking a gay icon to push buttons?  Check.  Use of theatrical pop cultural reference?  Check!

Snark-o-meter score:  75

Li’L Bastard Comix:

I particularly enjoy doing my “Li’l Bastard Comix” installments.  It gives me a chance to be very rude and to take it out on innocent comic strips.  My favorite to bastardize, of course, is the Family Circus.

The Family Circus is a perfect foil, as everyone knows its current form is wholesome and desperately unfunny.  The irony incurred just by tweaking this comic makes me giddy.

Here are some freshly minted comix, for your enjoyment.  However, this time I shall disect them afterward to give you insight into my thought process.

When looking at the cartoon, I thought Thel’s outfit was hideous (especially her size 12 wide shoes).  If I were Dolly, I’d say something about it.  And having Dolly use of the word “fugly”– which is a contraction of fucking and ugly– implies swearing and also invokes the movie Mean Girls.

I imagine Billy to be a caustic pre-teen with little time for dear Granny.  And he appears to be looking disdainfully at the candy.  I thought telling her to “check her meds” was an appropriately shitty thing to say him to say to his mentally feeble grandmother.  And the fact that the brown balls aren’t candy may imply some sort of scatological humor left open to the reader’s imagination.

To me, the innocence of a child is sweet, but an innocent child who swears like a sailor is sweeter.  And funnier.  I can imagine Dolly hearing her father say this every day, picking up on it, and using it after a particulary taxing day of fingerpainting.

Kids say the darndest things, most of which are scathingly true.  Like when a kid calls you fat, you’re fat.  In this case there is the whole implication that Mommy is either floating air biscuits or needs to scrub the clam.  And Jeffy taking the Lord’s name in vain is funny to me because they are such a churchy family.

You know, there is absolutely nothing funny about incest.  Or pedophilia.  Unless, of course, you can juxtapose both ideas against the wholesomeness and desperately unfunny nature of the Family Circus cartoons.  This is sort of that “uncomfortable” humor because the cartoon now becomes a sad commentary on society, that this stuff exists- and it usually hides behind a wholesome facade.   Plus Dolly really seems to be enjoying herself!

(Did you catch that last snarky zinger there??  Good!)

Conclusion:

Snarky?  Yes.  Button-pushing?  Yes.  Raunchy?  Definitely.  A sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot?

No. 

I trust this has been illuminating.

C.P.O. Snarky… over and out.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
This entry was posted in comics, family circus, li'l bastard comix, snarky. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Reader’s Guide to Understanding ‘cb’

  1. Tony says:

    I can’t think of anything to say that isn’t snarky.

  2. chris says:

    BRAVO!

    Very well put. I understand why you did and folks should REALLY just take this with a grain of salt! I may see it all from a different prospective because I tend to read blog postings such as yours or Stephen’s (Are you there blog…) as if you were on a stage doing stand up comedy. It’s a gag guys! Even if its bitching, it’s a gag….

    Sometimes it might make you gag, but it’s just a gag.

    Keep up the great work CPO!

  3. Ray Ray says:

    Thank you for instructing me ad nauseam on how to interpret the subtle nuances of your raunchy blog.

  4. Ray Ray says:

    P.S. that was snark.

  5. madhouse6 says:

    oh god, now cb’s gonna wanna get on stage at a local open mic night which means i’m going to have to buy copious watered down drinks to sit through bad stand up.

    thanks for putting the idea in his head chris.

    lol

  6. Richard says:

    I recently started reading your blog. It’s a great read and I look forward to your posts (no sarcasm here).

  7. Gavin says:

    I get your humor, and it is similar to mine, although you are better at expressing it. I often say crazy things with a straight face and people think I’m serious. The further off-the-wall, the better.

    I look forward to your Comix every week and I was disappointed when this post’s title wasn’t your standard “Li’l Bastard Comix.” Thankfully you included some further down in the post. I like it that you started to include a blank cartoon for readers to come up with their own captions. Funny to see what are in others’ heads and their creativity, and I take it as a challenge to come up with something really good.

  8. Shirley! says:

    is this post over yet? oh, it is?

    wow! what a great post, cb! seriously, who is not getting your brand of humour? i, for one, think you are high.sterical.

  9. romach says:

    I have always loved your sense of humor! The man that makes me spit my breakfast across the room is welcome in my bed anytime! That is the only thing I spit though! 😉

  10. brettcajun says:

    Oh honey… let me tell something… I know a lot about DAMAGE CONTROL. TRUST ME. Shit happens. Sometimes moods strike us, and we just go off and say something bastardly then all hell breaks loose. (like your pucker hole) Days will pass and people will forgive you. It always does. 😉

  11. bstewart23 says:

    The only thing funnier than cb‘s Li’l Bastard Comix is cb explaining them in excruciating detail. {/nosarcasm}

    As for the rest of the post? I’m furious that our weird cultural sensitivities are preventing a proper media discussion of McCain calling his wife a See You Next Tuesday.

    There, I prevented you from any anxiety about needing to edit this comment. Folks like Romach overseas must be wondering what the hell is wrong with us not even being able to discuss “that word” within the context of Bad Words.

  12. Alex says:

    I’m on your humor wavelength too. It’s gotten me in deep do-do all too often–and having ADD and its characteristic “lack of impulse control” just pours kerosene on the fire. So, I LOVE your posts! Carry on, Mister Snarky! Whatever happened to, “fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke”, anyway?

  13. Chris says:

    Finally I understand you. Thanks for the illustrated look at your humor. Now I can go from hating you to lusting for you.

  14. Jack Naasti says:

    Oh, hell that last thing I need is explanations.. What I need is some naked photos of CB..

  15. Ron says:

    I think the best part of that post was your unintentional use of “overy sensitive” [sic] right after talking about “individuals who are pregnant.”

  16. deadrobot says:

    I too write with a voice going on in my head must not cut myself to feel anything ever again or they will find out.

  17. sorted says:

    WE LOVE SNARKY!! That is what brought me to your blog. Love you, love the hair, HOPE YOU WIN! 🙂

  18. doreus says:

    Oh! A Snark-o-meter. Love it!

  19. Mark says:

    Bravo! Bravo! I believe I get about 95% of your snark, and love it. The 5% I miss is likely my fault for not being ‘up’ on all things pop culture (ie: two girls, one cup).

    I think you’re brilliant.

    Mark 🙂

  20. doreus says:

    Love the new header too!

  21. See, I would have never described you as being “snarky”. Unfiltered, yes. I like unfiltered. I wish more people tended to be less filtered.

  22. Will says:

    A great post from a guy with a keen mind and a sharp wit. A time there was when such a post wouldn’t have been necessary because your readership across the board would have known what satire and irony are and would have known them from the tone of your writing without being footnoted. But such subtleties aren’t being taught in school any more.

    On the other hand, during that time nobody would have known what snark was as regards writing–a Snark then was a U.S.Army missile. You win some, you lose some.

  23. Shirley! says:

    waitasec…
    who did you piss off anyway?

  24. Rich says:

    CB – anyone who doesn’t get your snark factor really needs to get a life or refrain from commenting. Have people become so serious (or dumb) that it’s necessary to explain yourself? You are one of the funniest bastards I have ever read (and watched – thank you YouTube).

  25. dirkmancuso says:

    People are offended by your comments?

    May I suggest they get a fucking sense of humor…?

  26. romach says:

    Us folks overseas do understand English 😉

  27. Sesquipedalian. You are so giving me a hard on.

  28. J James says:

    A friend of ours was at a show in New York, not the actual Tony awards, I assume, and he texted us to say that he was experiencing a Patti Lupone induced hard on. Or something. (I was a little drunk from my own evening after attending a stage production.)

    My partner is also all about her…

    Me…I find her to be ok…and nothing to write home about.

  29. Chris says:

    Even as a kid, I saw Family Circus as cheesy.

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