Fun with Cell Phone Etiquette

Over at By the Bayou the other day, I read a post where the author was peeing at a urinal when he heard a loud conversation down the way.

Another guy had his blackberry out (in this case not a reference to his penis), his ear piece in, and was having a very loud conversation.  While relieving himself.

I don’t like this behaviour at all, but it reminded me of fun games you can play.

Ok- I realize that cellphone use has become omnipresent in our daily lives.  People are on them constantly, quite often while performing other tasks in full earshot of the public (driving, eating, walking, shopping, etc).  And for the most part I’m down with this.

I myself am a cell phone abuser.  I drive and talk.  I shop and talk (occasionally).  I will even walk places and talk.  I honestly think I do it just to keep up with the Joneses of the world.  Hell, I even poop and talk to friends at the same time (surreptitiously and without flushing of course).

But I NEVER speak on the phone in a public restroom!

Modern cell phone technology has evolved to the point where the phones are capable of taking messages.  And I am more than happy being incommunicado on a public commode for the 5 minutes or so it takes me to “do my duty”.

I just don’t get people that feel the need to hold loud conversations in a public restroom of all places.  And quite frankly it pisses me off.

I view a public toilet the same way I view a public library or a church.  There should be no talking while there.  And if talking is for some reason required, then it should be carried out in hushed tones and the conversation should be terminated quickly.

Other places where there should be limited or no talking include:  public transportation, elevators, movie theaters, museums, and other places where you are crammed in with unknown individuals.

By the Bayou’s cell phone offender was having a loud conversation that turned to discussing the weight of a particularly obese woman.  This is a quote of what he said:

Cell Phone Guy: Yeah, I saw her this weekend…. Yep…. Yeah, I thought she was pregnant! With that belly and all. But no, she’s just fat… yeah, that’s right…. lotta meat on that cow!  She’s just fat!

And my response (had I been there) would have been one of the following:

cb:  Hang up the phone and come back to bed, pookie!  I’m HORNY!

cb:  Fuckin’ A RIGHT!  She a fuckin’ heifer!!  She looks like some goddamn 4-H project!

And THIS… is my new game.

When I hear loud phone conversations where I think no phone conversation should be taking place, I think I have the right (no, the obligation) to join in their conversation.  If they are insisting on bein’ all up in my ear-grill, then it serves them right.

I’ve done this before, but now I will be actively seeking out chances.  Like the next time I hear someone in a stall next to me having a conversation I’m going to start making sex noises.  Or start grunting really loudly and do a couple flushes.  Or…

cb:  PHEW!  I don’t remember eating THAT!  What the hell IS that??  That’s just not right!

This is going to be my new secret joy!

Another fun game is to walk up right next to someone who has a bluetooth headset in, and start a very loud conversation with yourself about nothing in particular.  Just make it loud- and make sure you are RIGHT next to them.

If you can’t think of an interesting conversation, just start by repeating everything that they say.  Only louder.

Or you can always say:

cb:  Oh it’s nothing… yeah… just some fucker with a bluetooth headset in… I KNOW right?… like they’re God’s gift or something… yeah… uh huh… I KNOW.  It’s like hang up the goddamn thing already.  Nobody thinks your cool…

Just make sure you can take the guy in a fight if it comes to that.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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20 Responses to Fun with Cell Phone Etiquette

  1. Alex says:

    CB in the restroom: “Ooooh! OOOOOOH! OOOOOOOH GAWD, LARRY! AAAAAGGGGHHH–DON’T STOP–OH LARRY!!–AAAAAAGGGGHHH!!” In honor of my soon-to-be-ex-Senator.

  2. Ron says:

    I’ve been doing this for a while, but I also do it in response to generally inappropriate conversation that doesn’t involve a cell phone. For example, if I know in public some problem that a girl has with her boyfriend without knowing either of them, I will loudly share my advice on the issue.

  3. bstewart23 says:

    Whenever I hear a telephone number being recited or repeated, loudly, on a cellphone call to which I do not want to be privy, I loudly repeat the number as if trying to remember it, looking right in the eyes of the offender.

    Later, if I have a Sharpie and find myself in a public restroom, well, I think you know where I’m going with this.

  4. javabear says:

    I was gonna say “be prepared for a fist in the eyesocket.”

    The sanctuary of quiet in a public restroom really only applies to men’s rooms, I think. There is often a lot of conversation in a women’s restroom. Sometimes this conversation is between two or more of the ladies physically present in the room, often it is a conversation one woman is having on a mobile telecommunication device. Women talk a lot, often in inappropriate places. What can I say?

  5. romach says:

    Yes a little peace and quite is nice in the mens ‘bogs’ as they are called over here lol.

  6. chris says:

    Muriel… you’re terrible!

    funny how I can SO seeing you do that!

    I’d love to do what bstewart suggested… Or call them right now and say “I’m on the Irving Park 80 bus (local Chicago) and some guy in jeans and a Cubs shirt is yelling your number out in public. Would you like me to ask his name so you can call him and rip him a new one??”

  7. Mark says:

    Oh, we are SO in synch here, my buddy! I just detest cell phone conversations in public restrooms, and most other public places for that matter. NEWS FLASH: Just because you have a cell phone doesn’t mean you need to use it everywhere you go!

    I’m definitely going to play your ‘game’. Next time I hear a dude talking on the phone in a public restroom, I’m gonna blow into my hands and make REALLY LOUD fart noises. That oughta teach the fucker.

    Mark 🙂

  8. bstewart23 says:

    Public use of cellphones wouldn’t be so bad if 99.44% of the people using them remembered their mouths are .667 inches away from the microphone. And the definition of “public” is changed to “everywhere I am not.”

  9. sorted says:

    Reminds me of a funny story.

    Last summer I was walking into a Target. In the parking lot, a guy and his fish were looking for a parking space (both on the phone of course)

    I enter the store and a minute or so later, I needed to relieve myself. I enter the restroom, go to the urinal.

    Another guy comes in….goes into the stall.

    A second behind him, Joe Jerk from the parking lot walks in — STILL CHATTING like it was nothing.

    I am finish up, he is chatting and peeing and then.

    ASS EXPLOSION from the stall. I am sure the people in Omaha heard the explosion, it was THAT loud.


  10. Doreus says:

    Yeah… Being stuck in a coach for two hours and having people yakking left and right on their cells just because they find the ride as boring as I do… Can I go insane now?

    No wonder I drive almost everywhere. Cell phones must be the worst enemies of ecological thinking, probably because they are one of these inventions that emphasises how self-centred we really are.

    I do have one of those, but rarely actually use it. And especially not in public washrooms; yes, men’s rooms should be havens of peace and quiet, quite unlike women’s rooms indeed.

    However, I’m not going to try your tricks out here in Alberta. I like my face the way it is, thank you…

    A suggestion to those braver than myself: when inconsiderate cell users give out their credit card numbers and the expiration date and verification number… yell THOSE out!

  11. BentonQuest says:

    I have leaned over the counter at the Starbucks where I work and said into the mic, “She is at Starbucks, tell her you want her to bring you something.”

  12. And to think the government find the need to tell us cellphone “jammers” are illegal. I’d personally donate one to every bathroom I frequent.

  13. Doreus says:

    Erik, can I have one for every classroom in which I teach?

  14. Kelly Stern says:

    I hate it when people talk on phones in bathrooms… i have blogged about it before… and I make sure I flush at least twice… and if it is a good day, I can sit in the stall next to them and have those gassy shits that echo really loud… just hoping the person on the other end of the conversation hears it… one of my biggest pet peeves!!! ughhh!!!

  15. Rich says:

    Elevator talkers are up there in the high offender league. Sometimes you can even hear the other caller because you are jammed packed. There is talk in NYC of having cell repeaters placed in the subways so people can be on their phone while on the train. I can’t see that workin out…stay tuned for the 6 o’clock news. 🙂

  16. Walk up behind them and flick their bluetooth into the urinal.

    If they manage to stop midstream and turn to confront you, kick ’em in the junk.

    Works every time.


  17. …never mind the hygiene issue of peeing and holding a phone….

  18. Tony says:

    That is so wrong on so many levels. I can only assume that all these people that have to answer their phone EVERY time if goes off are just too stupid to figure out how to pick up their voice mail.

    One of my all time favorite offenders was some college kid in a convenience store giving some friend a blow by blow description of his retail experience in real time. “I’m looking at the chips now. I dunno dude, I could get like the potato chips or some maybe, yunno corn chips….” This went on from the minute he entered the store until he dragged his dumb ass out the door, clutching his sack of junk food in one hand and his cell phone in the other.

  19. Chris says:

    I hate my local supermarket, but when some bitch is yakking on her phone for the duration of the transaction, I feel sorry for the cashier. I saw one actually whisper to the cashier that she wanted “cash back,” rather than interrupt the conversation.

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