Senior Portraits

Well, we’ve come to that time of year again.  The time when unfortunate portraits reign supreme.  It’s a right of passage all teens must go through.

And then I get to use said portraits to get my cruelness on!

So, in lieu of Li’l Bastard Comix today, I present you with cb’s Senior Portrait Critique:

I ate myself all the way to Salutatorian!

Perhaps you missed the lesson on symbolism and metaphor in Senior Lit?

Does one really need a senior portrait when one is home schooled??

When I graduate, Mom says I get Dad’s bitchin’ “Midlife Crisis Vette”!

Some people see dimples as cute.  I see them as deformed muscle tissue.

I know it’s hard to look enthusiastic when your future holds nothing but a failed marriage, a double-wide, and a night hostess position at IHOP.

In the future I can always tell people I was a real cheerleader instead of a chunky-thighed dance squad alternate!

Eat your heart out, Mr. Trump!

This picture choice will make so much more sense to his parents when John finally introduces them to his “roommate” Steve.

Daddy chose this one because my legs are actually together in it!

Extra large hat?  Check.  Extra large belt buckle? Check.  Extra large teeth??

Sometimes by wearing larger glasses, a person can deemphasize certain, um… larger facial features.  Sometimes.

I like this one because the air-brushing is so subtle.

Oh.  My.  God.  I think that same chair was used in the 1983 7-Up “Uncola” commercials!  Crisp and clean, no caffeine!  Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

Twenty bucks says he’s an oboe player.

Candid Senior Portrait Technique #7:  The Rectal Exam.

God, are you sure this will make my vagina “pine fresh”?

I bet you think because you are artistic nobody understands you, when the truth is they just don’t understand that hairsytle.  Or your choice in hats.

Sadly, Stacy would never come any closer to achieving her dream of becoming a Playboy Bunny than this.

Who needs a boyfriend when this little wiener LOVES peanut butter!

Well, at least the bagpipes provide you with an excellent excuse as to why boys don’t call.

All the shadows in the world won’t hide the fact that it looks like you’re ready to give birth to a double beef burrito supreme.

I guarantee this is the one and only stick she’ll ever handle.

I think I just sharted in my good linen pants.

I always say, document your body before the hair loss and beer gut.  And you got there Just in time!

Kelly, you are priceless!


About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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21 Responses to Senior Portraits

  1. Howard says:

    A Kelly portrait! Aaaahhh. I just spit out my coffee.

  2. Richard says:

    I recently discovered your blog. I love it. The pictures and captions gave me a good laugh.

  3. Jeremy says:

    I’ve got to dig out my senior pics to see if they were this tragic. Hmmm…1991, probably.

  4. Chris says:

    OHHHHHH MY God! This was funny! I wish there was a way to comment under each picture!!!

  5. Chris says:

    BTW… Where the F is the lil bastard comix winning caption from last week???

  6. Kevin says:

    And they wonder why I don’t go to class reunions! SCARY!

  7. Alex says:

    Jeebus, where DO you find these things?? I lost it when I saw the guy with the flaming bat (“Lookin’ for some HOT STUFF Baby this evening, …”)

  8. romach says:

    Oh Christ buddy! My blood pressure went through the roof laughing so much! Thank you! I have laughed so hard I peed a little!

  9. Jason says:

    These are too damn funny.
    Google search must really like you 🙂

  10. Christopher says:

    I’m really hoping that the guy in the 2nd to last pic is at least 18 years old…cos I may have just had some “impure” thoughts about him (and me)!

  11. Mark says:

    You were right on the money with “Twenty bucks says he’s an oboe player.” I busted out laughing…

    Mark 🙂

  12. madhouse6 says:

    rectal exam! priceless.

  13. Doreus says:

    Ouch…. Tummy hurts from laughing. And that belt buckle is actually small by Western Canadian standards… Compensation?

    Oh boy! Did that send me down memory lane… 1989, the poofy hair and all!

  14. The Bum says:

    Truly frightening, although the half-naked kid and the one with the burning bat look almost doable.

    On an unrelated note, I’m not going to publish the last comment you made on my blog, not because I disagree or find it objectionable. It’s just that the BF reads those things and it is his sister. I wouldn’t want him to harbor any negative feelings before you come to visit us in South Beach;)

  15. jeff says:

    I sharted just a wee bit when I saw the Kelly pic.

  16. dirkmancuso says:

    Thank God I have officially destroyed all copies of my Napoleon Dynamite-esque senior pic…

  17. javabear says:

    Funny! Even better than Li’l Bastards, IMHO.

  18. Tony says:

    Ah yes. I remember the abortion that was my 1973 class picture. In my defense, I hated it then too. Flaming bat. Christ Almighty. And the half nekked one, feeling himself up! Oy! Kelly almost made me spit out my coffee.

  19. Johnny C says:

    Fantastic as always. Perfect that you ended with Kelly.

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