Santa Replies…

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Dear Daryn,

What the FUCK is up with your spelling and your grammar?  Christ!  It took me over an hour just to decipher what you wanted… and that’s an hour Santa could’ve spent drinking.  Just for that I’ll be bringing you the Eszy Bacer oven you asked for– fresh from China with lead paint and bad wiring.  Have fun burning and poisoning yourself.

-Santa

P.S.  What the hell kind of name is Daryn?

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Dear Devin and Makala-

Its obvious to me that you guys probably live in some sort of group home or foster care.  Probably because you were naughty enough that your real parents didn’t want you.  So what makes you think I want to bring you presents?  How about you both just be grateful for another year of sucking up taxpayer money.

-Santa

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Dear Nick-

Thanks you for thinking that I’m ‘awesom’.  I think I am too.  And things are just fine at the Pole, thank you for asking.  As to whether I think you were good this year… well, lets just say all that masturbation you are doing while thinking about your sister isn’t pushing you into the ‘nice’ column.  Perhaps instead of video games, I should bring you a year’s worth of therapy sessions instead you sick fuck.

-Santa

P.S.  Nice artwork.  What’d you draw that with– your left foot?

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Dear Te-Camera,

I’m assuming that’s your name because its at the bottom of the page.  Perhaps your crackhead mother didn’t explain how this works, so I’m going to.  I only bring presents to children who can write coherent sentences.  Do you know what “coherent” means?  It means something that doesn’t look like you wiped your dog’s ass with it!  Be sure to explain this to your mother when you get no presents this year.

-Te-Santa

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Ho ho ‘HO!

Mmmm, Santa likey!  Looks like you’ve made my ‘naughty AND nice’ list!  How ’bout if I bring the milk to go with that cookie?

-Santa

P.S.  If you are really good, perhaps Santa won’t only come once this year!

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Dear Sara-

I recognize your handwriting from last year, and it looks like you are still borderline retarded.  I think I’m going to hold off on giving you that ‘baby’ you want- mainly because I think your Papaw is planning on giving you one of those himself when you are 14.  Oh, and thank you for the cookies and milk.  After a hard night of delivering toys to ungrateful children, nothing says ‘refreshing’ like a nice glass of room temperature milk!

-Santa

p.s.  I was being sarcastic about the milk, you dumb twat

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Dear “friend” Ivan M-

Are you a stinkin’ Commie?  I bet you are with a name like Ivan.  Thanks for asking me if I’m fat- like THAT never gets old.  Fuck you.  Are YOU fat?  And since you have brown hair and brown eyes, Hitler would have had you thrown your ass into a concentration camp during World War II just like he did to your grandparents.  And you know what I would have brought you for Chrismas?  A cyanide capsule.  Just thought you might like to know that, you little bastard.

-Your ‘friend’ Santa

P.S.  the only reindeer name you need to worry about is “Blitzkrieg”.

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Dear ???-

You are most welcome for the gifts, and once again you’ve been such a good child this year!  Instead of a GameCube, I thought I might bring you one of those Nintendo Wii’s instead.  Along with ALL of the games that come with it. Would you like that?  Uh oh.  Because you didn’t sign your name or put a proper address on your letter, I don’t know where to deliver it!  I guess I’ll just have to give it to your best friend Timmy instead.  Merry Christmas.

-Santa

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Dear Danielle-

Nice bar graph!  Looks like we got ourselves a little Wharton School of Business graduate here.  However, I was wondering if I could possibly see the actual “data” that supports this graph?  Oh, I can’t?  And do you know WHY?  Because your ‘very bad’ to ‘very good’ measurements are UNDEFINED and COMPLETELY SUBJECTIVE! What a goddamn moron!  There is no quantifiable output here!  So why the FUCK would you choose to show your subjective, pulled-out-of-your-ass results graphically?  Jesus.  How about I wrap up a nice “Graphing for Dummies” book and put it under your tree?

-Santa

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
This entry was posted in christmas, funny, kids, santa, snarky. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Santa Replies…

  1. Donnie says:

    Oh My Freaking God! This almost made me pee myself! Thanks for making my day. 😀

  2. voenixrising says:

    I think anything you might’ve spent on presents should instead be put toward a good therapist, cb. You have some serious issues goin’ on here.

  3. Gavin says:

    I love it when you do these posts. 🙂

  4. Christopher says:

    You made me cry!…actually I was laughing so hard that tears started to flow! Now I’m really in the Xmas spirit! Thanks cb!

  5. Howard says:

    tee-hee. I love the one with Michelle. You’re on the naughty list now. Come over for your spanking.

  6. Junk Thief says:

    Apparently Santa finally took my advice and attended the Tough Love Boot Camp in Big Sur that I’ve been recommending for years.

  7. Java says:

    You are such a nasty-ass meanie. That’s why I come here! 🙂 But seriously, I hope no kids ever see this thing!

  8. Jason says:

    Michelle has the right idea. Sex sells, Santa or otherwise!

  9. Mark says:

    You are one FUNNY fucker! I was literally laughing out loud reading your replies. I may have to pilfer this entry, of course giving you full credit.

    Mark 🙂

  10. RG says:

    ‘Nilla, you are one twisted evil anti-Christmas freak – I love you!

  11. Rich says:

    CB = pure evil…or just pure genius. Nonetheless, RG is right, you’re one twisted ‘nilla. LOL.

  12. Kev in NZ says:

    Dear Santa,
    Please will you deliver to me a 6ft2 blond Danish guy with ripped abs, muscled arms, pert pecks and a big fat hard co+k.

    Please make him willing to service my EVERY need.

    Lots of Love,
    Kev in NZ

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