Snoopy, Go Home


“Muffers” is officially on restriction.

Jim came over last night and brought some groceries so that he could cook us some dinner.  He also brought his little dog, too.  And by the end of the evening, I was fully prepared to send that little dog back to the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.  Or give it to Ms. Gulch to take to the county sheriff on the back of her bike.

“Muffers” is the dog that yakked up on my bed about a month ago.  Oh, and two weeks ago she carpet bombed the lobby of my apartment building.  Yeah, we had JUST taken her to the park across the street where she tinkled, and then as soon as we got in the main door to my building she cops a squat and leaves a couple ‘prezzies’.

Thank Buddha that my building is completely quiet and nobody was around.  It was cleaned up with minimal fuss and nobody was the wiser. 

I chalked the vomit episode up to being upset by a new environment, and the poo episode I attributed to the fact that my building has a LOT of dogs in it, and undoubtedly some other mutt has left a log in that very spot.  Eh, its industrial apartment carpet.

Anyway- Jim cooked a very good pasta dinner and we watched Ugly Betty and Grey’s Anatomy.  I played with Muffers and cuddled with her and pet her and generally treated her very well while he cooked.  She IS a cute dog, after all… plus she had been freshly bathed.  However, her cute factor disappeared about 3/4 of the way through Grey’s when she starts yipping and standing by the door.  Ah- time to go out.  Smart doggie!  Jim gets up and takes her to the park.

Ten minutes later, they’re back and Muffers has successfully peed.  Jim and I have settled in to watch the end of Grey’s when Muffers comes into the living room and starts doing that doggy “foot wipe” thingy.  I instantly know what that means and say, “Uh oh.”

Sure enough- Muffers has decided to shit on my carpet.

Jim and I get up to clean it.  While grabbing cleaning supplies we notice that she has gotten into my bathroom garbage and strewn tissue paper all over the place.  Touche, little bitch.

Jim’s all apologetic about his dog, and I reassure him its no big deal.  Once again, thank heaven for little turds.  Easy cleanup and minimal mess.  And remarkably I’m not too upset.  Its just carpet, its not mine, and there’s no stain.

We all settle back down to watch Big Shots.  Not the best show, but Michael Vartan is still smoking hot.  We play some more with Muffers, and I chase her around a bit.  Then we clean up the kitchen and watch some Red Sox and news.

And that’s when Muffers goes for the coup de grace.

One of her favorite perches is the arm of my eggplant-y/mocha-y, Ethan Allen couch.  She sits on it, much like Snoopy does when he’s imitating an eagle.  Unfortnately this places her directly in front of the TV screen.  So I had to forcibly remove her from the couch– twice.

Evidently this pissed her off.  Literally.

It was about time to go, Jim’s getting ready to leave, I’m picking up a few items when suddenly I hear Jim YELL “Muffers!  NOOOOO!”  I look up just in time to see her…


What everyone needs to realize is that this couch is my favorite piece of furniture that I own.  Its deep and comfy and I fell in love with the design of it the moment that I saw it.  Its a perfect “nap couch”.  I also saved up enough money to be able to afford to buy it, and it wasn’t cheap.

The couch is contemporary design, so the arms are wide, rounded, and sort of exploded outward.  Its casual and fancy all at once.  The main fabric is a wide-wale corduroy of sorts, while the pillows are brocade.   So imagine, if you will, this absolute DELUGE of dog piss STREAMING down the little corduroy ‘gutters’- pouring off each side of the arm.  Onto the floor.  Spattering onto the couch cushion and beading on the pillows.

cb was NOT amused.

I had never seen Jim get upset with his dog to date.  I did last night.  However, I don’t think he beat her (as was probably warranted).  Believe me, it took a great amount of restraint for ME not to beat her ass and rub her nose in it.  

Jim SWOOPS in and grabs her- and I dash off to grab paper towels, kitchen towels, anything I can find to soak up her mess.  Jim’s yelling at his dog, apologizing profusely, and mopping up pee.  I’m sopping up fluids and scrubbing down cushions and reassuring Jim that its ok.

And then I was a bit harsh.

I said, very calmly and matter of factly, “I don’t think Muffers is coming over again.”

The way it came out wasn’t so much of a question as it was a directive.  Ouch, right?

As they were leaving he was still yelling at her, and telling her that from now on she’ll just be left all alone at the house.  I know Jim was embarassed by his dog’s behavior.  And I feel terrible now about what I said, but at the same time I really don’t want her defiling any more of my things.  I’m sure she’ll come over again at some point, but perhaps not until she is fitted for one of these:


About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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15 Responses to Snoopy, Go Home

  1. RG says:

    Bwaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha I can’t Bwaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha – Can’t breathe Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Stop it! – Bwaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

  2. cb says:

    Um… not funny. Not funny at all.

  3. bythebayou says:

    1. Before you do ANYTHING more to that couch get something like Nature’s Miracle (or similar product, available at Petsmart) and spray it on the stained area (after testing in a discreet corner). It has enzymes that break down the pee smell instead of covering it up. I’ve used both the regular and “just for cats! cause their pee smells 10x worse!” versions and miracle is a good word for it. Regular cleaners sometimes “set” the smell so use this stuff first.

    2. The shit thing …. I don’t think they use poop to mark territory like they do with pee. I have noticed that Teddy needs a little “prep time” to poo, some sniffing for the perfect spot, etc. Just a minute or two, unless he’s dying to go. So maybe the dog just needs a little more time outside to get himself “in the mood”?

    3. Does the peeing stuff happen at home? It may be some confusion about where is OK and where not. Dogs don’t generalize well.

    4. If the dog keeps coming over you should find a spot that is for the dog to lie (a crate or bed) is best… and make the dog stay there. They DON’T want to pee where they lie and sleep.

    5. Your date needs to teach his dog “OFF!” You shouldn’t have to forcibly move the pup from the couch. I haven’t had to do that with Teddy in a long time and he’s still a crazed puppy, still learning. And from the sounds of it, when she’s allowed back, she needs to learn “no furniture” rules for your house (consistently reinforced). She can figure it out if you’re consistent – Teddy already knows which furniture is OK and which is not.

  4. bythebayou says:

    Oh, and beating doesn’t work – just gives you a dysfunctional dog. The dog CRAVES attention. The best discipline is a raised voice and then being sent off to sit in a crate or somewhere else alone. If you guys are going to keep seeing each other, it’s probably a good idea for your to learn to give her commands, so she figures out that while Daddy is the alpha of the pack, you outrank her.

  5. cb says:

    1) she doesn’t have a crate

    2) trying to keep her anyplace alone is impossible, unless restraints are involved

    3) she’s over a year old and doesn’t listen to commands at all

  6. Zack says:

    I understand how you feel. When I first started dating my partner, his dog went EVERYWHERE with us. He (the dog) was ALWAYS sitting in my lap in the car, getting excited and dribbling pee all over my pants. I put up with it because the relationship was new and I was in love. Now that we’ve moved in together, the dog stays outside.

  7. voenixrising says:

    CB, you were perfectly right in your admonition. That dog needs to stay at the bf’s house, or find yourself a new bf. This is ridiculous.

    Believe me…NO man is worth this kind of (pardon the pun) shit.

  8. Christopher says:

    You behaved far better than I would’ve….I would’ve been a screaming banshee after the ETHAN ALLEN was defiled….damn straight that bitch stays home from now on!

  9. Rich says:–p2025.html?&parent=251

    It’s this or boarding school little Mufster. And leave her home with 101 Dalmations playing. That should teach the little angel.

  10. Tony says:

    Sounds like the Mufster is jealous. Also, even if she is over a year old she will still respond to training. I sound like Jim is the problem. People who treat dogs like children shouldn’t have them. She is a dog and needs to be interacted with as such. What really happens in obedience training is the owner is trained how to interact with the dog.

  11. Matt says:

    As a (multi) dog owner … Muffers needs some training. Yes, on a dog level – can’t expect her to be educatable (?) as a human. She needs boundaries and a place of “her own” (crate or bed) and positive reinforcement. (PLEASE don’t think that beating her will accomplish anything, other than a scared and hurt dog and probably more behavior problems!).

    And she MAY be acting out over her name. But that’s just my opinion.

    Agreed, though – the Ethan Allen couch does need to be off limits … and I bet it’s puuurrrtty … 😉

  12. dirkmancuso says:

    I agree with Tony that it sounds as though the pupster is more than a wee bit (hee hee –get it? WEE bit…I’m dying over here) jealous of you and is making her claims on her man crystal clear.

    Perhaps you could establish your dominance by pissing on her and setting the record straight…

    Just an idea.

  13. voenixrising says:

    This is the reason I will never date dog owners again. You KNOW that if it comes down to you or the pooch, YOU will lose each and every time.

  14. Donnie says:

    Oh my goodness! Yes, you did the right thing. Even though I’m a lifelong dog-lover, I’m more of a clean freak…all my dogs were “no funiture” dogs.

  15. As a dog owner myself, I can say with some authority that there are no bad dogs – just bad owners.

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