I need a forensic accountant…

Financially I’m a complete mess.

I blame myself, of course, because deep in my heart I’m a lazy son-of-a-bitch. Seriously lazy. And closer to my surface I’m at best moderately lazy. I’ve already mentioned my herculean ability to put off home repair and yard work. But it also extends to financial planning and monitoring.

All I want to do is work, have the money dump into my accounts, and then the bill people swoop in and take the money they need. I really want to have nothing to do with the entire transaction. This creates problems for the bills that aren’t on auto-draft, as I tend to forget to pay them.

I’m so bad I don’t even balance my check book.

The good news is that I’m cheap so I don’t tend to worry about emptying my bank accounts. I don’t have cable, or internet, or home phone service. I cut my own hair. I keep my house at like 60 in the winter and 80 in the summer. And I don’t buy a lot of frivilous items as I’m not into clutter. I do spend on iTunes, food, piano lessons, and thrift store clothing… but that’s about it.

Unfortunately, after all my bills- I don’t ever seem to have much operating capital left. Which is a complete mystery to me (and I’m delving into it).

I’m also woefully bad on the longer term financial crap. Like adjustable rate mortgages, 401K investments, etc.

Except for today. I actually looked up things like the balance left on my mortgage, where my money was getting invested in my 401K, how much of my paycheck was being taken, etc, etc. And then I did some adjustments.

I rearranged my entire investment portfolio this morning after seeing the poor returns on my investments. Let me tell you, it was kinda scary shifting my money about. I decided to maximize my earning potential by moving things to higher risk / higher yield investments. (Le Yipe!) I’m also looking at different mortgages, courtesy of my mortgage broker person- who called yesterday and whom I blame for getting me in this mindset.

What it all boils down to is that I hate this type of shit. It makes me want to sell my car, get a clunker that’s paid for and get myself further off the debt grid. I also want to sell my house, get rid of having property taxes and a mortgage, and move into a tiny, utilities included apartment.

Is it wrong for me to want to emulate the lifestyle of Ted Kaczynski? Minus the manifesto and the bombings of course.

About cb

Nickname: Munt Measurements: 45 B, 34, 38(?) Ambition: to be the best human ever! Turn ons: long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, porn, rainbows, cock Turn offs: bad smell face, men who are full of themselves, dead puppies, popcorn, sadness
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3 Responses to I need a forensic accountant…

  1. Six Shooter says:

    You might want to rethink the fashion sense too.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Nothing wrong with a manifesto.

  3. kevin says:

    Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and sort that financial stuff out. I know it’s a pain but i hear that it can save you in the long run (darn i sound like an accountant!)

    Do what i do and buy a lotto ticket each week. We can only dream lol
    Kev in NZ

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