Li’ Bastard Comix (Halloweenie Edition)

Theeeey’re Baaa-aaack!

Enjoy, and have fun bastardizing the final one for me!!! I think it has good potential…

America’s Next Top Chef Designer

I think I watch too much contest TV.

I had a rather bizarre dream last night where I was a contestant on “America’s Next Top Chef Designer”.

Granted I’m still a bit sick and slightly feverish, but this was still unusual.

First, I had to prepare a vegetarian meal. For it I relied heavily on Indian influences, but in the end did a “deconstructed” veggie burger with a bun made from polenta, garlic, and hummous. A slab of roasted eggplant, tomato, pickled mango chutney, with a tumeric aioli.

Then we had to do art for a gallery opening. I dashed off two sepia tone ink shadow drawings of Padma (on cardboard), but was focusing all my time on a still-life featuring grey oranges in a bowl. I think the title was “Bowl of Greys”.

I was also working on a couture gown for a runway show that was going to be made almost entirely out of mother-of-pearl snap pockets from “country” shirts. It was not going well because I was having issues with the massive collar.

Mostly I remember running around the workspace, flitting between projects, and never being able to stay focused enough to finish any.

I woke up very tired and frustrated.

Bonus Why-ku!

Holy gay Jesus…
This is “unicorn fucking
Liberace” gay!

Why-ku Wednesday

Oh Steve, here’s a tip:
Don’t bang your chubby intern
If she’s a psycho.

When things blow over
I will have your mouthbabies
Secret guaranteed!

“My Fave Five” Meme

Ok hotshots, here’s a meme for y’all.

Name your favorite five celebrities that you totally want to ‘do it’ with, and also describe how you want to do them.  Or have it done to you, as the case may be.

I’ll start.

#1– Jason Varitek (Catcher, Boston Red Sox)

Position:  “Hoppity Ball”

I know this may come as a complete shock to some, but I want to see Mr. Varitek naked- save for his catcher’s mask- squatting over me like I’m home plate and riding me like a child’s hoppity ball.  I think I would last all of 30 seconds… if I was lucky.

#2– Bradley Cooper

Position:  “Traditional Gay Missionary”

I’ve had a crush on Mr. Cooper ever since Alias.  And he is so fine, that I’d want him to be on top and I’d want to be able to stare into those insanely blue eyes of his and think “oh, please don’t let me wake up til we finish!”

#3– Ryan Reynolds

Position:  “Doggy” into “Face Down”

As pretty as Mr. Reynolds is, I’m also thinking he knows what he’s doing when it comes to the lovin’.  And I’m thinking having him behind in a “take charge” sort of position with his massive chest pressed firmly into one’s back could be a good thing. 

#4– David Sutcliffe

Position:  “T Position” to “Reverse Doggy”

Mr. Sutcliffe has been on my short list ever since Gilmore Girls, and that bad, gay movie he did awhile ago.  I find him ever-so-dreamy… and furry!  I think him on top with his furry legs up by one’s head…. mmmmm.

#5– Jonah Falcon

Position:  “Cowboy” and/or “Reverse Cowboy”

I hear you all asking, “Jonah Falcon?  Who the fuck is Jonah Falcon??”  Mr. Falcon is purportedly the man with the largest penis in the world.  13.5 inches when fully erect (officially measured and recorded).  And we’re not talking manhunt inches or fake pornstar inches.  These are real inches.  He’s on the list just because he even exceeds the “Pro Series” category and that makes me very curious.

(If you want to see the member… just turn off the safe search feature and google “Jonah Falcon”.)

So– I tag everyone who reads this blog with this meme.  Either that or you can just throw me a comment bone or two.  Laters!

Meme to the Rescue

I’m sick and very cranky today.

So I guess it’s a good thing I was tagged with one of these meme thingies.

You know, I still don’t know how to pronounce it. Mee-mee? Meem? Mehm? Mehm-uh?

Anyway, the Lisp so thoughtfully tagged me with the dinner and a moviestar “meme”.

What movie star (past or present) would you have to dinner and why.

This is actually a toughie for me as I never go “omigod omigod” over celebs.

Sure I have a Favorite Five list of male celebrities I want to have fuck me (who doesn’t?) But that’s really not the same thing as being a “star fucker” now is it?

So… After two minutes of intense thought, my choice for celebrity would be:

Jennifer Garner.

I really liked “Alias” and love the movie “13 going on 30″. Plus I just saw a Garnier commercial and that sounded like ‘Garner’.

I think Ms. Garner is very pretty, but also sorta has that girl next door vibe. Like she’d be fun to hang with.

We’d go out for a simple, low key dinner so that we could just shoot the shit. I’m thinking Tacos.

Yeah, we’d go to Taco Johns and pig out on cheap mexican food. And we’d probably split an order of potato oles.

She always struck me as a ole-type girl.

And maybe Ben would join us later, which would make it a celeb two-fer. He does, after all, occasionally rotate into my “fave five”.

Especially now that he’s fixed his teeth.

So, Mr. “The Lisp”, was this what you were expecting? Does this meme answer satisfy your curiosity?

The Sanctity of Marriage

With all the hoopla surrounding marriage these days (and because I needed a wee break from the Comix), I am doing a post celebrating weddings!

Come celebrate the joyousness with me, won’t you?

Oh, and feel free to submit a caption for the last one- as usual!

My guess is she paid for her wedding dress entirely with one dollar bills.

Can’t…  move!  Flowers… pinning… down… dress!  Must… reach… altar!

Which clan are you from– McTragic?

I think we have our scrapbook cover shot!

Without any ‘blaze orange’, Stacy never stood a chance at her shotgun wedding.

Yes Dad, I’m sure you’ll get an opportunity to “hook up” at my wedding.

“Funny Girl”– starring Tina Turner as Fanny Brice.

Bob planned to get his money’s worth at their All-You-Can-Eat wedding reception.

Three seconds later, the startled couple realized it was a mistake to order the plastic folding chairs.

Too bad Charlie won’t receive a medal of honor for falling on THIS grenade.

That money necklace won’t buy you happiness, but it will buy enough Sterno to drink yourself blind.

Red, White, and Bride!

Sunset?  Check.  Tropical beach?  Check.  “Topless Tess” waddling through our wedding photo?  Check… and check.

Awwww, first time in “people clothes”?

And here’s a lovely photo of the bride, groom, bride’s brother, and bride’s cousin…

Normally I would say “Kapla!”, but white is such a Klingon wedding no-no!

Bastard winner

Tons of great captions this week (just like I knew there would be)!

I loved te balloonboy references from some of you, and I enjoyed Tater’s line about the cougar pickup lines, too!

However, the nod this week went to Fendor for making Jeffy a snarky bitch:

Wil Wheaton

Yeah, you remember. Ensign Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: NG. You know, Doctor Beverly Crusher’s precocious son.

Well, he got pseudo-cubby on us!

Someone (sorry I forgot who!) tweeted about his appearance on the Big Bang Theory.

This led me to google him. He has a beard now, which is a really good choice for his face.

He still has that goofy, toothy smile though.

(see pics below)

However, during my google search I came across an image that just had to be shared.

WWJT?

Jesus would think that sweater was a big fuckin error in judgement.

Unless you were at a park with a windowless conversion van and an empty leash asking kids to help you look for your lost puppy…

I just couldn’t wait for Why-ku Wednesday.

Why-ku Wednesday (part 1)

Twenty whole inches…
Where is your organ grinder?
Monkey plays rock band.