My Nipples Hurt!

Actually I think a good 700 of my 1000 Lever bodyparts hurt today.

I played volleyball last night- as there was no band rehearsal due to spring break.

And this wasn’t slapfest picnic volleyball either. This was full-on, three hits, double blocks, quick sets, 5-1 volleyball.

And 100% GAY! But butch, seriously sporty gay guys!! Squeeeeee!

The good news is that I managed to hold my own and not bring vast amounts of shame to my family. For three hours no less!

I played “power” (which is left side hitter) and I gotta say– I was hitting pretty hard last night. Yaaaay!

The bad news is that I am fucking sore today. Here’s an inventory of damage:

My shoulders hurt, especially my right. My knees hurt from all the jumping. My left knee especially from the bruise where I hit the floor. My right hand is also bruised from blocking a hard hit. My abs hurt from all the twisting to hit. My legs, back and ass all ache from all the squatting and jumping.

And yes, my nipples hurt from my sweaty shirt chafing against them all night!

God it sucks getting older.

But it was all worth it to get to play on a team with Joe.

Joe was our ever-so-dreamy setter. He’s a bit shorter than I, but built like a brick shithouse. Arms for DAYS! And drop dead gorgeous (at least to me). Jaw. Smile. Blue eyes.

And he was nice! Very complementary of my serves and hitting. And he set me a lot all night.

He’s also from Iowa and attended a rival high school there. Where he was a swimmer (as I was). Granted he’s three years younger…

And most likely has a gorgeous boyfriend. I mean, why wouldn’t he?

Le sigh.

Oh, I forgot. My heart hurts just a little today too.

Bad Kissing and You

I haven’t done one of these in awhile, but as I had a rather boring weekend… here you go.

This is another in my informational series designed to enlighten and entertain.  This one is on bad kissers.  Feel free to add any categories that you feel I may have neglected.

I usually try to keep these videos shorter, but there was just so much to discuss y’all!  If you make it all the way through, thanks for watching!

L.B.C.– spring edition

Here you go. And the last one for you guys to bastardize is a total softball!! Do yer worst!

Erm, I mean best!!

There’s a New Bastard in Town…

… And he’s feelin’ good! With a smile and a song for the neighborhood.”

Ok, so I suck at quoting “Alice” lyrics– gimme a break, I sho’ deserve it!

The winner this week is: the Electronic Replicant! Mainly for his insightful comment on hair coloring.

Gotta love genetics!

Unsent

These are my Alanis-style texts from the gym the other night:

Dear hot lifter guy– thank you for wearing the clingy sweat pants with no underwear. The outline of your penis head provided an excellent distraction for me while I ellipticalled my fat ass.

Dear twink boys– please look in a mirror when you wear the long sleeve, skin tight underarmour shirts and umbro shorts. The underarmour only looks good if your shoulders are actually wider than your hips.

Dear dreadlock guy– you smell like cigarettes and dirty diaper. Why did you choose the elliptical next to mine?

Dear running otter– I think you are hot as hell and I want to kiss your bearded face. Why won’t you stop running long enough to notice me?

Dear older guy– please don’t wear the wife-beater, short shorts, and pulled up tube socks again. Please.

Dear Mr. ‘Gayer than a Unicorn fart’– why do you insist on running like Bo Derek in the movie “10″?

Dear Cute-n-Built poser– you certainly are cute! And your upper body is to die for. When you check yourself in all the mirrors again, please note that it looks like you are walking around on two baseball bats.

Dear bad smell face gay couple– here’s a suggestion…maybe you should think about cracking a sweat versus standing around chatting loudly and drinking vitamin water.

Dear older guy again– while I’m flattered that you found me attractive enough to pop a chubby in the shower, that doesn’t mean I want to watch you soap it up in slow motion.

Mail Order Brides

There is a lovely gentleman at work who has many photographs of his wife tackying tacked up around his work space.  The other day, during some training, I was able to snap a quick ’spy photo’ of my favorite one:

Yes.  This is posted.  In public.

I apologize for the picture… quality.  I had to be quick about my business, and the photograph is covered with plexiglass, ostensibly so that nothing will spoil its innate beauty.

Did I mention that the guy is like 60+ years old and ex-military?  And that she is MUCH younger… and Phillipino?

And from a catalog??

Yes, evidently “Chuck” (not his real name) selected his wife from some sort of service, paid some money, and voila!  They were lawfully, blissfully wedded.

This is common knowledge around the office.

I wish I could show you the other pictures he has adorning his cube.  There is a montage of her with an updo and holding a white rose, and sniffing the rose, and caressing the rose, etc.  All with the requisite glamour shot soft focus.  And in the center of the montage is what appears to be her “catalog photo”.  It’s thumbnail/passport sized and very harsh.  Hair pulled severely back, no makeup, etc.  And she’s not smiling.

It’s always nice to show the public a ‘before and after’, no?

And then there is a series of shots with them together.  His hair is freshly “just for men’d” and they are looking at each other– gazing into each other’s eyes– with these painful, pasted-on smiles.  Sort of a “Yikes! What have I gotten myself INTO???” vibe.

Whenever I see these photographs– and I see them daily as they are just OUT there– I immediately think of one thing.

Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

“LeeFLESHment!  You rike chocorat crakah?  Me pa-pohm, too!  Me pa-pohm fo you?”  and “Me no likey you anyway… you have tiny dingaLING!”

At least I got the chance to snap a picture of the ‘best’ photo.  The pink footy pajamas (with decolletage) coupled with the aunt jemima doo-rag… well… it’s just so damn festive!

HR evidently didn’t allow the polaroid of her shooting ping pong balls from her snatch.

Pity.

A Word of Caution…

Let’s say that you arrange to have a hot, built, leather daddy-type come over to your apartment for a visit on Saturday night.  Something similar to this:

Only let’s say the guy is shorter and more muscular– like with rock hard pecs and bulging biceps.  And also pencil in a salt and pepper goatee.  And more chest hair.

As for the “other” equipment… well, let’s just say that the 7+ was a bit heavy on the + side.

And let’s also say that you both agreed that a few hours of tossing each other around the bedroom whilst trussed up in leather goods could make for excellent fun.

Also making for fun, let’s say, is the fact that you both like things a bit rough and verbal.

And finally let’s say that he agreed to bring his full leather regalia (including a biker cap, big boots, harness, gloves, armband, jock, etc) but without the chaps due to their relative bulk and unwieldy nature.  Something perhaps along these lines:

But with jeans on… and boots like these:

If you find yourself in a similar situation, you may wish to remember to say something to suggest that perhaps he bring said regalia to your apartment in some sort of dufflebag.

Rather than, say, wearing it all to your doorstep…

… which he walked right up to after riding up the elevator with your next door apartment neighbor.

Who’s apartment shares a common wall with your bedroom.

I’m just sayin’.

Some eCards…

I saw this one yesterday and sent it to Kyle.  He loves Paul Rudd.

Yo, some ecards??  I love you man!

L.B.C.— Yeah, You Know Me!

Super busy today. Can’t talk. You know the drill. Here you go:

Paris Bound

I managed to secure vacation time AND airfare yesterday. Woo to the oot!!

Unfortunately I realized that I have much to do between now and Memorial Day weekend when I fly.

My To Do list is as follows:

1- lose approximately half of current body mass

2- work to increase ‘the guns’ to more than 12 inches of massive power

3- get power adapter

4- find perfect gift for host

5- whiten teeth to “dazzling”

6- get kick ass prescription sunglasses

7- arrange pet sitter

8- find travel sized lube

9- plan weeks worth of clothes that will fit in one small carry-on, including harness and jackboots

10- create travel entertainment package with iPhone, books, magazines, movies, sound cancellation earphones, etc

Phew! And this is just the abbreviated list!!