Li’l Bastard Comix (happy b-day kyle edition)

I cam hear y’all now, “Yay. The comix are back.”

And they are.

I left a delicious Dennis the MenAss for you to caption. Channel your best inner bitch for it!!

Look Who’s Bastarding!

Gosh- the glamour shots brought out the comments!! 41?? I think that’s a blog record for me!

There were lots of honourables for the lovely trio. I liked bstewarts “siouxie and the man-shes”, Jeffs shout out for big brothers big sisters, and the Tijuana dreamgirls reference from kevin.

And of course all the chola references!

But this week’s bastard is: tater!

Oh… Too Soon?

Watching Me Read “the Watchmen”

I am feverishly trying to finish “the Watchmen” before the movie comes out.

It IS one of Time magazines top 100 books of all time, ya know!

Well, even though I actually purchased it several weeks ago with nothing but good intentions… I still haven’t managed to finish it yet.

There is an awful lot of hoopla surrounding “The Watchmen”, and so far I’m still not quite sure what all of the hoopla is about.

Before all fanboys rise up to throttle me wearing homemade Rorschach masks, let me say that I do think it is a well-crafted comic.

Excuse me– “graphic novel”.

I like the interspersion of fake book exerpts and police reports and such. And the parallel pirate story is an interesting twist. But i’m just not grabbed by it.

I guess in some ways it IS just a comic to me.

Of course I wasn’t a big fan of “The Dark Knight” either. I read that one when it came out while I was in college because everyone was reading it, you know.

Oh well.

Some might dismiss this as me being snooty and prejudiced against the “graphic novel” medium. Not true!

One of my favorite all time books is “Maus”. And I loved “Persepolis”. But then again, those were graphic novels that weren’t fiction.

However, with those novels I was attracted to the graphically true narratives juxtaposed with the jarring comic panel renditions. Or something.

When it’s a fiction story (even a good story like the Watchmen), I guess I prefer my own mental imagery to accompany the text.

Anyway, I hope to slog through the rest of the Watchmen before the seeing the movie.

So I can be harshly judgemental of the final product like all the fanboys will be, of course.

I hate being ill

Sorry there was no post yesterday. I was in bed most of the day feeling like shit.

I blame the Oscars, naturally.

I mean, there’s only so much self-congratulation interspersed with bad musical montages that one can safely stomach. Evidently my threshhold was reached.

And breached.

I feel about 40% functional today and would have loved nothing better than to stay in bed. But as my sick-vacation days are limited…

Yeah. My sick days and my vacation days are all lumped together in what’s called “paid time off”. And I only have ten.

Correction: nine.

This is the one aspect of my job that sucks the most. The vacation time is just nonexistant.

I did try to negotiate an extra week which would be commesurate with my experience in the industry, but the company would not budge.

Fuckers.

I do get several other perks that offset this lameness (free lunches, free coffee, great medical and dental, bonuses, etc) but damn if the sick thing doesn’t just suck vividly.

The last thing you want to think about when you are feeling completely rotten is “should I just go to work in order to save a vacation day?”

Yesterday it was bad enough that I said, “Fuck it” and called in sick.

Which now leaves me with nine glorious days left to parcel out over the remaining 10 months this year.

It goes without saying that I must save at least a few days for around Xmastime so that I can visit home.

Which leaves maybe 7 free days.

Yes, I’m cranky about this. And feeling crappy just makes it that much more of a pisser.

Anyone else royally fucked for vaca like I am?

Glamour Shots III (in 3-D)

I know we all have grown to love the Li’l Bastard Comix on Fridays.  But sometimes I need a break.  And so I give you more Glamour Shots!

Like fools, people just keep posting new pictures online, so who am I to refuse the fun when it’s so obviously presented on a silver platter.  A glorious, bedazzled, feather-boa’d, hazy-filtered platter!

And yes, much like L.B.C., I’m leaving the last one for you to caption.  Do your worst… please!

Coco Chanel once said, “When accessorizing, take off the last thing that you put on.”  In this case she meant the camera lens.

Pam shows everyone that she’s worth her weight in gold.

“Heeeeeeey Blair!”

A little stronger backlighting may have been in order here.  Think “witness protection”.

JonBenet Ramsey before… and after taxidermy.

Rumor has it that this was Julie Taymor’s inspiration for the Simba costume.

This would be funny–  if the dude weren’t so fucking ugly.

It’s always a coup when a photographer can capture exactly how dead someone is on the inside.

I want to know who the fuck liked it enough to put a ring on it?

The first and only pearl necklace Nancy ever received was from the accessory closet.

After her semi-nude photoshoot, the photographer and the leather coat both had to be destroyed.

What’s my secret?  You’ll smell it in 3… 2… 1….

Daddy shows “Chompers” the meaning of ‘doggy style’.

It was difficult, but Sylvia finally found a top that reflects her beauty.

I thought the Barbara Walters Filter was supposed to eliminate eye wrinkles?

In Shawnte’s world, there’s no such thing as ‘too much white’.

Nothing says ‘next gang victim’ like a half-buttoned denim shirt jauntily exposing one nipple.

Say “Little Debbies”!

There’s something about a girl in a hat that’s just so… Vogue.

Make me look silky… for Chompers!

Focused so intensely on working the collar, Karen completely forgot to work the camera.

Thankfully Barry didn’t make Karen’s mistake.

Moustaches may hide the stretch marks, but they never hide the ‘gay’.

You know, there’s only so much distraction a scarlet feather boa can provide.

Stacey Schwingle– moments before her tragic ‘bang accident’.

Meet Heather… future eHarmony dissatisfied customer.

And now for YOUR captions!  Please Hammer… hurt ‘em!

Who’s a Li’l Bastard??

Danger Ahead is a li’l bastard!!!

Yes, Mr Danger won this weeks contest. I love the tampon commercial feel!

Which isn’t to say y’all didn’t make the decision difficult. Honourable mentions go to Robbie, Gooster, and Kyle!!

(And just so you know where my head was at for a possible caption, I was going to have Jeffy singing Beat It. Or commenting on his Lebanese gay bar outfit).

Rabid Wednesday

I woke up in sort of a foul mood today, and coffee isn’t helping. So I’ve decided to rant rabidly about things that are bothering me.

The following are all things I’ve decided need to be crotch-kicked or dick-punched.

OCTOMOM: This crazy bitch has 6 children already (3 of which are special needs) and then has the gall to get knocked up with 8 more??? So now we the taxpayers have 14 mouths to feed for her sorry ass!! She is a walking poster woman for Eugenics!! She needs to be crotch kicked until that fucker is out of order. Oh, and the doc responsible her bellyfruit? Dick punched until it’s turned into an innie!

AMERICAN IDOL: That first group last night sucked rotten cunt! Not a single standout performance and several downright painful ones. And these singers are representative of the best talent culled from 100,000 entrants??? Really??? If this is how it’s gonna be, then let’s go ahead and karate chop their fucking throats.

REPUBLICANS: y’all didn’t bat an eye under the Bush regime when the financial industry was bailed out. Or the auto industries. But NOW you have issues with bailouts?? Yeah well fuck you all with something hard and sandpapery! Sure this bailout sucks shitty hole and it probably won’t help at all. But at least were trying something rather than jamming our thumbs up our asses! Crotch kicks all around!

STEROID USERS: Yes I realize you were basically peer pressured into using to keep your competitive edge in the face of higher demands from the fans. And to keep your ridiculous salaries flowing. But you know something? You’re all still fucking CHEATERS. And now you’ve been caught cheating. Boo fucking hoo! I would suggest dick punching all of you, but since the ‘roids have shrunk your junk, how about a good ol’ fashioned cunt kick instead you whiny-ass, lying, cheating bitches?

FACEBOOK: I hated you at “hello”. And now you want the rights to my images and anything I write? I think the only thing you have the right to is a swift kick where it counts! This makes me loathe you even more- and I didn’t think that possible. And now you are trying to backpedal? Fuck off.

And how about you readers? Anything or anyone you want to punch or kick?

Reconnection Disconnect

This year, I’ve been making a concerted effort to communicate and/or reconnect with friends. Especially old friends.

Even though I detest Facebook, I have had some interesting “ghosts of exes past” contact me. It’s always fantastic to hear how they have found true love, are California-married, and how great their life is without me.

Umm… Right. Fantastic.

And then there’s Jim.

Jim is probably the one man from my past that I would have done anything to share my life with. I’ve blogged about him before.

He’s the married, Christian, father of four that I had a bit of a relationship with back in North Carolina. Remember?

I know… baggage. And it ain’t Louis Vuitton either.

But Jim was one of the few men to make me laugh and smile and feel special. And I always looked upon him with awe and admiration.

The sex was always incredible, but it was the non-sex time that was truly special. The talking. The sharing of hopes and passions. The crazy ideas!

And of course his kisses which would make me light-headed.

Well, yesterday he called me out of the blue!

Ok, so he called after I texted his old cellphone number which I figured was no longer valid (but secretly hoped was). Still, he was the one who called.

It had been a couple years, so we had much to catch up on.

He’s still married– and in marriage councelling. Still a god-fearin’ Christian. Still got all the kids. Still seeing the same perfect guy he’s been having an affair with for the past several years.

Still having his cake and eating it too, I guess.

It was good to hear his voice, though. He made me laugh and smile, and it was as if no time had passed.

We even talked about planning a trip to Indianapolis to see each other– and the DCI finals.

The trip will never happen, of course, but it was a pleasant distraction for a few minutes.

But the more I talked to him, the more I realized that as much ad I love him, I really dodged a bullet.

I could never have handled years of playing second fiddle to his wife and kids. Always waiting for the divorce that would never come I’m far too selfish and needy to share like that!

Plus it turns out he’s a raging bottom– as all married men are.

We ended our conversation by trading current information, and we promised to be better at emailing each other.

Oh, did I mention he’s on Facebook, too? Only I’m not supposed to friend him or anything as I would be difficult to explain to the wife.

Perhaps some connections are better left missed.

Okami Obsessed

I’m not a video gamer, really I’m not.

I think it’s my patience level. Games that have a more of a story arc than, say, Wii tennis just aren’t for me.

I like the wham-bam, let’s play again type games. No fuss. No muss. I just don’t find the maze-like stories with tons of thinking to be a source of fun.

Which is why I’m surprised that I’m enjoying my new Wii game “Okami”.

Okami was on a dozen lists of the top games for Wii and I found a new copy at Gamestop for like 25 bucks. What the heck, right?

Admittedly I was rather daunted by the thick instruction manual. The game gets played with the wiimote AND the nunchuk– and you use all the damn buttons.

Curse my lack of thumb dexterity!!

And at first I was also a bit put off by the big storyline aspect. Distilled for my readers: you are the god Amerasi in wolf form who’s mission it is to restore beauty and light to an evil-blighted realm.

Meh. Sounds like every other fucking fantasy game/story right? And it sort of is.

But then the coolness happens.

Cool thing number 1: the animation is all Japanese ink drawing style which is gorgeous.

Cool thing number 2: the magic paintbrush that you use to redraw and restore beauty to the world.

That damn paintbrush rocks! When you activate it, the screen freezes and turns into a stylized brownish paper and black ink image. You then draw on the paper using the wiimote, and voilà!

You can restore the sun, stars, dead trees, broken architecture, etc. It’s pretty damn cool!

Cool thing number 3: the game is all about karma.

You get “life boosts” in the form of praise for doing good deeds, whether it’s feeding animals or helping people.

All in all, it’s been fun. And relatively addictive.

Currently I’m in this village and I can’t seem to locate this sacred tree I need to restore and it’s driving me bonkers!!!

I’m including some screen shots here so you can see what I’m talking about.