18 Things a (gay) Man Should Never Have

Whilst driving to work this morning, one of the local DJs read a list of the “18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have”.  This was evidently one of the crappy “filler” features in the most recent Men’s Health magazine.

For the record, I hate Men’s Health.

Most men don’t realize this, but there have only ever been FOUR issues of the magazine ever produced– the rest of the time, the editors and staff merely mix and match the articles and add in new pictures to make it seem like a new issue.  A complete waste of money.

Anyway.

As the DJ was reading the list, I thought to myself, “This is fairly ’straight dude’ oriented– and also geared completely to the 22 – 30 year old men who actually still purchase the fucking rag.

So I came up with my OWN 18-Things list, only for gay men.  So the following is my list of the 18 things a GAY man should NEVER have:

(1)  Chest Stubble.  While a bit of chin stubble can be nice (titillating even), the chest stubble just says “I’m not a twink, not yet a real man”.  Either wax on or wax off, ok?  Or if you’ve decided to “man up” some, avoid sexual contact until your chest can no longer sand drywall.

(2)  A completely denuded pubic region.  Can I get a collective EWWWWW on this?  I don’t want to look at a guy and see a prepubescent boy instead.  Hell, I don’t even get the whole Male Brazillian Wax thing.  Just stop it already.

(3)  A ZZ Top style beard.  It didn’t do them any favors and it won’t do you any either.  Plus, you ever tried to detangle cum-crusted beard hair?  I’m just sayin’…

(4)  A Confederate Flag.  Nothing says “bigotted redneck” faster than one of these.  And as an oppressed group in society, we gays don’t need to support the degradation of others.

(5)  NASCAR anything.  Just let the straights have this sport, ok?  I know that the drivers are all humpy now, but just admire from afar.  Don’t fall into the trap and buy the limited “Dale Earnhart Jr. Leather Jacket” at Wilsons Leather.  Just… don’t.

(6)  Zima.  Seriously, this drink was over by the mid 90’s.  But if you enjoy the taste and can use your pussy to twist off the cap, then by all means… enjoy one.

(7)  A shitty bed.  Any grown fag knows that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through is rectum.  And to seal the deal, you need a decent place to fuck.  I’m not saying the bed has to be monumental (like mine) but let’s avoid the whole ’stained mattress flung in a corner of a room’ thing, shall we?  Caveat:  unless you are into that scene, then reserve it for your dungeon.

(8)  Nonframed “Art”.  Let’s be honest, when was the last time a poster with pushpins holding it up qualified as “decorating”?  That’s right– in college.  Time to ditch the MC Escher posters and get something nice.  Like a vintage Farrah Fawcet poster in a gilt frame.

(9)  Zubaz.  Never.  Under ANY circumstances.  Wear these pants. Not even to a costume party with a fake mullet wig.  It will take you weeks to recover and you will lose friends.

(10)  Cheap beer.  I’m not saying that a good Miller Lite doesn’t hit the spot once in a while, but save it for the gay bar happy hours.  At home, at least pony up the 7 bucks for a decent sixer… which is still cheaper than two Miller Lites at a bar when you think about it.

(11)  Wine in a Box.  I know, I know!   I hear you now, “But cb… there are lots of box wines that are GOOD now!  And they keep better than bottled wines.”  Yeah yeah.  Whatever.  When I see wine in a box, I think Franzia regardless of the brand.  Which makes me think of my cousin’s wedding.  Which makes me think CHEAP!  And I’m not the only faggot who thinks this way, trust me.

(12) An empty bar.  Damn, it sounds like the gay world revolves around drinking, doesn’t it?  Well, quite frequently it does.  Therefore you should keep a nice three bottle or six bottle bar stocked for just such occasions.

(13)  An empty nightstand.  What kind of gay man are you if you don’t keep your nightstand drawer (or funbox under the bed or whatever) well stocked with condoms, lube, cockrings, blindfolds, wet naps, hand towels, vibrators and whatever else you may need within arm’s reach for a night of fun?  You never want to find yourself out of lube and trying to use McDonalds ketchup packets instead.  Trust me, NOBODY wants to earn their red wings that way!

(14)  Zits.  Sometimes the occasional ingrown facial hair happens to us all.  That’s fine.  And sometimes we get a breakout from stress at the job or whatever.  But with the litany of skincare products and acne treatments nowadays, gay men should always put their best face forward.  Leave the pimples to the straights wearing zubaz, drinking Natty Lite and sportin’ a Dale Earnhart R.I.P. hat.

(15)  Cartoon print accessories.  Here I fail, as I have a pair of Simpsons flannel pajama pants.  But in my defense they were a gift.  However, I do not wear them often and never around men I want to nail.  There are few things that turn a man off faster than seeing a set of Power Ranger bedsheets or a pair of Superman underroos.  Unless you are Michael Jackson.

(16)  A maxxed out credit card.  Every gay man should have at least $500 of room on a credit card.  After all, you never know when you may need to jet off to Vegas, or to pick up that stellar pair of Mark Nason boots.  Luck favors the prepared, darling.

(17)  Rainbow anything.  I know its hard to resist, especially around Pride time but you must.  I swear, rainbow shit is the gay man’s version of a bug-zapper.  Do NOT step into the light!!  The rainbow thing was played out quite a while ago, which is why it’s completely a Lesbian thing now.

(18)  Hollister anything.  This is one store any self-respecting gay man should never even set foot inside.  Notice I said gay “man”.  If you are a gay “boy” who has just barely gotten his hair “down there”- then knock yourself out.  Please note:  to the Over-28 set, you should substitute the in the word Abercrombie, too.