Critic’s Corner: Glamour Shots

I haven’t done one of these in awhile- where I get to vent my inner snarky monologue.  I got the idea from an email I received showing JC Penney fashions from 1977.  This led me to google “class pictures”– then “senior portraits” (they’ll be next by the way)— then finally the Glamour Shot.

Sue Ann just needed one good picture to hang in the doublewide to celebrate Bobby Joe’s parole.

Tip #1: the trick of fuzzing out the edges of the picture doesn’t work for those girls who are “big boned”.  In this application, the effect is more akin to peeping at a fat tranny through a truckstop gloryhole.

A wingback chair, a nice garland of pine… and Voila!  Nobody even NOTICES that schnoz!

Not satisfied with just playing “Jethrine”, Max Baer prepares to audition for the Sally Field role in ”Not Without My Daughter”.

Getting a male glamour shot is like getting circumcised as an adult– the second worst decision a man can make.  The worst, of course, is wearing that shirt.

Oh Chandani!  In this picture you look like you could be a dancer… in the Lane Bryant production of “Showgirls”.

Um, okay… Miss Sha’wantell?  Look over here… no, no… HERE.  Right here.  At the camera.  With both eyes.  Aw fuck it.

Nothing says “Preoperative Transexual” like a good, bugle-beaded top. 

Visit the new and improved Crack Den on 9th and Jackson:  where all of our hos are now photographed for easier dumpster identification!

Betty, I just LOVE how you matched the earrings to your tooth!  It gives your face some much needed symmetry.

You sure nailed that Shemale Thai Prostitute look.   Just like that tourist nailed your “blowup doll” mouth for 10 dollah.

 

“And I am Telling You….” it aint working, honey.

 

Moments later, Carly realizes that the massive amounts of intense foundation coverup that she used actually glued her face to her hand.

Do you still hear the lambs, Clarisse?

 

Damnit Roger!  If you ”rip ass” in my face one more fucking time…..

“Thanks to dis peecture, I am able to earn enough money to sneak the rest of mi famillia across the border.  Muchas Gracias, Craigslist!”

Introducing the new Covergirl “Cadaver” line– guaranteed to match ANY gang shooting victim’s skin tone.

 

Unsatisfied with the performance of their first daughter, the Ramseys have now focused all their pageant hopes on their other daughter… Jon Benet II.

 

She went from like, totally Geek… to um, totally Chic!

And as a bonus:

Closed Captioning, for the beauty impaired.