La Recepcion…

That’s Spanglish for “the reception”.  Kinda fancy sounding, huh?

Let me apologize right now for the insane length of this post- but I think this all needs documentation.

First off- the wedding was out in banjo-country at the Bride Family Wisconsin cabin.  It was bucolic and pastorale and all those other synonyms for ‘countrified’.  But it was 1.5 hours from the Cities… which is where the reception was.

Through this account, I’ll be using photographs to introduce the players in this dramatization / reinactment.  First up- Matthew, the gay nephew of Jim.

All I can say is, thank God for Matthew!  I had a fellow faggot at the wedding– and one that I had met before!  He arrived later in the morning, and when he finally got there I heaved a sigh of relief.  Much pressure was lifted by his presence (for me).  Matthew had the ‘digital video’ responsibilities at the wedding.  That’s right, but the gay’s in charge of pictures! (I think the main photographer was family too).

After the wedding, there was a brief snack served up by the Snack Nazi (an awful woman in brown that Matthew and I decided we hated after she repeatedly got up during the ceremony and walked deliberately in front of the video camera).  With the snack came some wine in a box (sorry Jim, but you even pointed it out!)  Matthew and I were intrigued by “Crazy Hat Guy” a friend of the Bride’s family who wore this to the wedding:

 

And yeah, he wore the fucking hat at the reception too.  Soon after snacking (and drinking more) everyone disbanded for the long trek back to the reception hotel.

It was around this time that I learned that Jim and I would be carting the children home.

Whaa??

Yeah, we had transportation duties for a 4 year old and a 1 year old… in a car… for a long ride… after they’d been up since dawn.  Did I mention that I’m an only child and have never had to deal with kids?  Yeah, as I fastened my seatbelt I was already regretting my decision to mock the wine box.

This is Eliza Jo and she’s four years old, and she likes to KICK… and Streeeeetch… and KICK!  Cause she’s FOUR!  She is actually very adorable… when she isn’t being a cranky little prebitch.  Which she was being.  In the car.  For and hour.

cb needed a drink– and fast!  We eventually got to the reception, with the children in tow (and miraculously intact).  Jim and I summarily pawned the kids off on other family members and proceeded to drink.  God bless open bars!!  I was beginning to like the bride’s family a bit more after the first free beer.

However, the “open bar” thing probably should’ve been rethought by the family given the nature of this group.  They are some drinkin’ fiends!  And some SMOKING fiends too– shit, I hadn’t seen that much smoke since the Yellowstone fires in 1988!

More gratuitous Rob photography– but with the groom, and Dusty (who remained remarkably sober during the whole event).  This is before the dinner started, and you can see the drinking and smoking had begun in earnest.

Oddly enough, it was in this courtyard where I met Susan, Gretchen, and Deb.  These would just happen to be Jim’s boss, and two of his coworkers.  And three more hateful harpies you have never met!  (Kidding– I know they will either see this post, or hear about it from Jim).  Actually they were nice to me (oddly enough) although early on I did feel a bit like a water buffalo being surrounded by hungry lions.

Speaking of “dinner”… it was pretty good, although it started with the lord’s prayer at the request of the Bride’s family.  Padre McHunky (see previous post for pics) delivered it, much to his chagrin, and it pissed THE FUCK out of the groom who expressly chose this guy due to his nondenominational belief system.  This set off the first of the evening’s tiffs.  I sort of mumbled along with it while exchanging questioning glances with Matthew (my dinner buddy- once again thank G_D).

Dinner was also “question fest” as I was at the table with… Susan, Gretchen, and Deb.  I was torn at this point– I needed MUCH more beer to endure this, but being under the microscope as I was, I really needed to be sober.  So I opted for sober– which was a very unique quality at this wedding reception.

Case in point:  Becca (aka “drunk bitch”).

Isn’t she lovely??  Evidently all the groomsmen thought so, as this next picture demonstrates:

That’s a LOT of cocks all trying to get in that henhouse!  And like any of them stood a chance against Rob.  Of course I didn’t realize at the time is that Becca had some competition because Anton (far right in embiggened view) is actually in “super secret love’ with Rob.

Yeah, as the night wore on, and as people got dru-unk (and I didn’t) I got to observe a LOT of behavior.  It also helped that I was an outsider with no preconceived notions about any of these folk.  Rob and Anton (as they got wasted) were playing a game I like to call “speed bag”.  Oh, you know- where one straight guy stealthily lightly punches the other straight guy’s nutsack.  God I love straight guys!

Anyway, evidently Rob was getting a few good ones in on Anton (Rob is SUCH a flirt-whore) and Anton hauled off and punched him in the gut.  Hard.  Anton also got in a very pissy mood.  Rob and the guys chalked this up to him being drunk… but I knew better.

I was watching the way Anton hovered around Rob all day.  Always standing or sitting where Rob was.  Anton was also the ONLY groomsman who didn’t talk to me (the “gay” guy).  Not ONCE- he avoided me like the plague.  And Anton got drunker and pissier as Rob flirted and spent more time with Becca.  I actually felt sorry for him because I know what its like to be crushing that hard on a straight guy– I WAS Anton at one point in my life.

But Rob had his sights trained unwaiveringly on Becca.  And Becca… well, she ended up much like Bambi’s mother.

Rob and Becca started slowdancing.  I watched.  After about two songs, they walked out of the reception hall together and down the hall.  About 15 minutes later, Becca STORMS back into the reception– all crying and busted up and DRUNK.  She was a flippin’ mess– and she decided to get more beer.  (Good idea, becks!  More alcohol always helps!)

Turns out Rob and Becca had a bit of a quickie up in a hotel room– like a “lift up the dress, unzip the fly, bent over a credenza, damn our aborted children are gonna be CUTE” type quickie.  (Damn it Rob– I TOTALLY would have had your mouth babies and saved all this drama, you stupid fucker!) 

Oh, and did I mention yet that Becca’s last boyfriend committed suicide a month before the wedding?  (Scoundrel Lesson #1- go for the emotionally damaged chicks, they are always easier to tap.)

Becca’s mom, dad, and sister are all there and witness the meltdown.  The sister starts yelling at her mom to do something about Becca– IN the reception hall– in FRONT of many people (myself included).  It was actually rather difficult to watch.  Then pandemonium ensued as Jim goes to talk to Becca and Matthew gets involved, and the Brad (the groom) and the other groomsmen all get on Rob’s case and try to lecture him while he’s drunk and Becca’s sobbing mascara-laden streaks everywhere and Rob could care less and Carrie the bride is getting yelled at by her mom to do something about Becca and Carrie could care less because its her fucking day and Anton does even more shots because he’s so miserable and….

Well, you get the picture.

In between and after all this drama, the dancing continued.  I DID manage get in some ”dirty dancing” with all of Jim’s coworkers– even his boss.  I believe this is all on video somewhere (which needs to be destroyed).  However, they loved my fly moves (including my hommage to Thriller).  Of course, my finest moments came during “Baby Got Back”– as I was gyrating with the heavier girls on the dancefloor and showing them my patented move “the saltshaker”.  Saltshaker = quick booty vibration a la black girl stripper.  I think I horrified Susan.

Awkward Moment of the Day (runner up) came during the dollar dance.  I first danced with Brad (groom)- just for fun.  But then I danced with the Bride.  At which point this conversation ensued:

Bride:  So… how long have you been dating Jim?

cb:  Hmmmm, dunno.  Maybe a month now?

Bride:  Interesting.  Because I didn’t know that Jim was seeing anyone and I certainly didn’t know about you.

cb:  Yeah, well… sorry about that.  I’ve met Brad and the kids…

Bride:  So you’ve met my whole family including my kids, but nobody ever thought to introduce you to me??

cb:  ummm

Bride:  So- why do you like Jim?

cb:  Well, first of all he’s a genuinely nice guy.  I mean, look at the way he continually takes care of everyone… (etc etc blah blah blah)

Bride:  Yeah Jim is a good guy.  And if you fuck with him, I will find you and fucking hurt you.

cb:  Oh, ok.  I think its time to switch dancers now.

The evening tapered off around midnight.  Anton was so lit that he couldn’t stand up and so was carried up to the room by an also-quite-drunk Fat Joe.  Of course we all knew this was a bad idea which was proven when we all witnessed Joe dropping Anton in the hallway.

Also around this time I spied a VERY drunk Padre McHottie and his itty-bitty girlfriend (who was absolutely shitfaced) out in front of the hotel chatting with a not-so-amused St. Paul deputy sheriff.  Rumor has it they were friends but….

One final round of shots was had by most.  I did NOT partake, but snapped this picture:

This, by the way, is the bar where all the groomsmen spent a lot of time away from the reception in order to watch Colorado lose to Kansas State.  I enjoyed rubbing in the score with Rob by taunting him with their chant “Fuck ‘em up, Fuck ‘em up, Go C.U.!”  I also freaked Rob out with some ‘gay stuff’.  He was talking about how Jim was such an angry kid when they were growing up and how he was always picking on Rob and the other guys.  And then he commented how calm and nice Jim is now. 

Rob:  Just look at him dancing.  He’s all laid back now.  TOTALLY different Jim.

cb:  Well, its probably because the first time Jim got butt fucked, it killed the bug that had crawled up there

Rob (spitting beer): Oh fuck dude- that is SO wrong!  Ewwwww!  I dont’ even want to imagine that!

Beer:  $3.  Drycleaning bill: $12.  Fucking with straight guys minds: priceless.

The evening ended with me driving Jimmy-Joe home in his mother’s car and crashing at his place.  I was so fucking exhausted- but you know what?  It was actually quite a bit of fun to step outside my own circle and to be part of a completely ‘foreign’ wedding.

Almost like being a Wedding Crasher.