Sharper Images

Jim and I went shopping for a ‘wedding tie’ at MOA this weekend.  That’s the “Mall of America” for the uninitiated amongst you.  Lord its a craptacular mall!

I successfully managed to find a tie, a shirt, a pair of pants.  And in the process I lost my dignity somewhat.

While passing the Sharper Image store, Jim and I took one look at the window display and decided that we had to go in.

I love the Sharper Image– ever since I started receiving their catalogues as a teenager.  And the stores are fun– kind of like a Spencers Gifts, but without the cheap sex crap and the smell of patchouli.  Anyway, in the window of this particular Sharper Image were the massage chairs.

And IN the massage chairs were a bunch of fraternity boys from the U of M.

They were Delta Tau Deltas in case there are any Delt alums reading this.  Back in my school days we called this frat the “Dot to Dots” by the way.

Jim and I were quite taken by the group of beefy 20 year olds all jiggling and groaning in these massage chairs.  Our favorite boy was in a Colorado State shirt who was completely supine in a chair:  his chisled, tight t-shirted torso undulating with the massage.  He also had his baseball cap strategically placed over his groin.  Nice touch, that.

After getting our drool on all of the crappy speakers and wand ‘vibraters’ in their vicinity, Jim informed me that we ‘needed’ to mosey back to the tempurpedic bed section.  The salesman in that area was a blonde, beefy hunk of dream.  Its nice to know that Jim is an eye-candy whore after my own heart!

To ’sorta’ get his attention, Jim begins asking about tempurpedic pillows while I state flatly that the tempurpedic mattresses creep me out a bit.

The salesman asked why?  And here’s the ensuing conversation:

cb:  Tempurpedic mattresses creep me out.

cute salesman:  Why?

cb:  Because once I get into them I feel trapped because I can’t roll over.

Jim:  Um, you know that I have a tempurpedic mattress, right?

cb:  Really?  Thats too bad.

salesman:  The tempurpedic mattress cushions the body to eliminate stress and discomfort.  You are only rolling around because your body is trying to get comfortable.  You really don’t need to do all that rolling about.

cb:  But I sorta LIKE rolling around in bed.

(pause- salesman and Jim look at me quizzically)

cb:  Um, that didn’t come out right, did it?

Jim: (laughing) no, it didn’t

salesman: (embarassed) um…..

And he heads back behind the counter so that he won’t have to help us anymore. 

On our way out of the store, we pass an iGallop. 

This is an ‘abdominal workout’ machine that is basically a moving saddle that bucks and shifts like a real horse.  The basic idea is that you work your abs while trying to maintain your balance.  Naturally I got on and gave it a spin.  It has four settings:  walk, trot, gallop, and ‘oh my GOD daddy YEAH!”  I tried them all.  Jim watched- torn somewhere between horror and arousal.

When I got done I told Jim two things.  First: that is completely marketed toward women and SO not designed for the abs.  And second?

That horse owes me a cigarette.