I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Fucked

As many of you know, I’m a Grade-A “hornbag”.

Yes, my head is turned by good looking men on an hourly basis.  Hell, even a minutely basis depending on where I am and what I’m doing.

It’s rare that I can’t find at least SOME feature in a guy that I admire/desire/require.  He has nice eyes.  That guy’s ass looks great in those cargo pants.  That one has a great Roman nose.  Ooo, look at the guns on THAT one.  You get the idea.

This has led some folks out there to question my hornbaggedness by saying “Cb– who wouldn’t you fuck?”

And if I’m honest with my hornbaggy self, the list of “wouldn’t fucks” is fairly short indeed.

But it DOES exist, I tell you.  And I’ll prove it!

Here’s a short list of famous people that we all know that I wouldn’t even fuck with Rush Limbaugh’s dick (if he has one):

#1–  Steve Buscemi

I’m sorry, but this is one fucking ugly man.  There is absolutely nothing I find attractive about him, not even his acting.  Even if he had a 9 inch penis I’d still say hellz NO!

#2–  Jack Black

If you have ever read my blog before, you know of my abject hatred of all things Jack Black.  I utterly loathe this man.  I hate him.  I hate his crappy acting.  I hate his band Tenacious D with every fiber of my being.  I deliberately avoid movies that Mr. Black does (even voice work like in Fuck Yu Panda).  Besides, he’s obviously a bottom.

#3  Benicio Del Toro

Ew.  Just… ew.  His voice completely grates on me like fingernails on a chalkboard.  And his face looks like it caught fire and someone pissed it out.

#4–  Nick Nolte

I’ve had sex with guys who have been less than attractive before.  And I’ve had sex with guys who have turned out to be crazy before.  But ugly AND crazy… just say no.

#5–  Randy Quaid

Oh, Mr. Quaid,  how did your brother turn out so hot and you so… not?  You look like Ernest Hemmingway… after a bear mauling.

#6–  Mickey Rourke

You know, there was a time (after 9 1/2 Weeks) that I thought it would be hot to be blindfolded and have you tease me with food and then do the dirty on the kitchen floor… but no longer.   All that boxing has not done you any favours.  Plus you got weird.

#7–  Nicolas Cage

Perhaps some of you are taken aback by this choice.  But I can assure you that I have NEVER found Mr. Cage attractive.  I hated him ever since that abortion of a movie “Raising Arizona”.  Uggh.  I can’t stand him.  And that voice!  Get that thing fixed already!

#8–  Will Ferrell

The fucker just annoys the hell out of me now.

#9– Tommy Wiseau

Mr. Wiseau is a recent addition to my list, ever since Mr. Stewart over at This. That. No Other. pointed him out the other day.  Not only is he fairly hideous, he has also managed to write, direct, and star in what is widely heralded as the worst movie ever made.  Not even the chance for a pity fuck for Mr. Wiseau.

#10– Gary Busey

I just edited my post to add Gary here.  How could I have forgotten him?  You know, I hear they used to put peanut butter on his gums to make it look like he was talking…

So there’s my short list for today.  There are many more, but this just is there to prove that I do have standards, even if they are poor ones.

Any people you’d like to add to the list?

Of Bad Recipes and Good…

I’m still a wee bit sick, but I am indeed on the mend which is nice.

To help me feel better yesterday, I thought I’d make myself some soup for dinner.  I opened my cupboard and pulled out a can of Chicken and Italian Herb soup.  Here’s what the label looked like:

This soup tasted like it was simmered in someones dirty ass.  Not to put too fine a point on it.

Seriously, the shit was naaaaa-staaaay!

At the store, I remember looking for a big can of chicken soup and I thought this might fit the bill.  Well, it doesn’t.  If you read the label it has no MSG and only 80 calories per serving.  In other words, it has no taste.

And it had big, hard, fairly raw garbanzo beans in it.  WTF?  Who DOES that?  Ewww.

So now on to GOOD recipes that have fat and cholesterol and FLAVOR!

Several folks out there commented on my post where I mentioned my Thanksgiving favorite dish– Betty Rasmussen’s Cheesy Mustard Cauliflower casserole.  Requests were put in for the recipe.

Normally I would balk a bit about putting out such a gloriously simple, yet deliciously decadent recipe from the family vault.  But the damn thing has been in local cookbooks (the kind that Midwesterner church-goers like to put together for fundraising).

So, without further ado:  CHEESY MUSTARD CAULIFLOWER CASSEROLE

1 medium-sized head of cauliflower

1/2 cup Mayonnaise (real, not fat free or anything)

2 tsp yellow mustard (do NOT use dijon or stone ground or any weird mustard)

3/4 cup (or more) grated, sharp cheddar cheese

Cut the cauliflower into small florets and cook until just tender– do not overcook or the dish will turn out mushy!  Butter up a casserole dish and spread the cauliflower inside.  Combine the mayo and mustard and mix until uniform.  Pour the mixture over the cauliflower.  Put the cheddar cheese on top.  Bake at 375 until the cheese melts.

See?  Devilishly easy- and insanely tasty.  Serve it up this holiday and do Ms. Rasmussen proud!

No comix today…

I’m sicker than a dog and feel like hammered shit.

The comix shall hopefully return next week.

Sorry, folks.

I’m Nearly Through the “J’s”

I have a new iPod.

Yes, I broke down and bought one of the 200+ gig iPods a few weeks ago.

This was pure strategy on my part. You see, my apartment is smallish. And my CD collection takes up a lot of room.

And I almost never actually listen to CDs anymore. When I want to hear one, I burn it digitally and then put it on my main stereo iPod.

Unfortunately my old main iPod only had 30 gig and I maxxed it out.

So, with my 40th birthday money from Mom (thanks mom!) I trotted out to Target and got me a MAXiPod!

I call him “Fat Man 2″– because he’s the biggest thing to hit since Nagasaki.

Yes, I’m going to hell.

And so, with the new iPod I’ve begun the arduous task of burning my entire CD collection into it.

I’m only through the J’s. I’d forgotten how long it takes to burn vast quantities of CD’s.

I can’t wait until I have them all burnt in, backed up, and ipoded. It’ll be a huge step in decluttering.

(The pic shows all the CDs that have been input so far)

I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got

From now until the pagan solstice celebration of the birth of our saviour, I will be featuring an item a week that I do NOT want to receive as a gift.

Given some of the gifts I’ve received in my life, I feel this is a prudent decision on my part.

This week’s featured item is, well… It’s a figurine. A tchotchke if you will. And quite fancy.

I found it on eBay– don’t ask how.

I saw this and instantly thought “Neat. I’ve never seen a figurine of a trombone playing clown that looks like a hobo taking a dump before!”

I think it was designed by a blind Hummel artist with no arms or right foot.

And some poor soul put this on eBay thinking it would get bids. Maybe they were counting on some Emmett Kelly lover to take pity on the thing and add it to their sad clown collection.

Whoever does end up with this gem should place it precariously on a high shelf and have frisky cats.

Lots of cats.

Seriously, I do NOT want this for Khristmahanukwanzika.

Payton Channing

Is it me, or does Coach Payton of the New Orleans Saints look eerily similar to Stockard Channing?

Wedding Winner

I forgot to pick a winner for te wedding caption photo.

For this one, I chose Tater. Mainly because of the pseudo-Simpsons ’sweet, sweet can’ comment.

Thank Satan THAT’S Over…

Another Hallowe’en is over. Hallelujah!

Time to pack up the craziness and start our two month celebration of Jesus’s birthday.

Not that I particularly mind Hallowe’en (yes, I believe in spelling it with the damn apostrophe!). As far as holidays go, it’s probably only fifth on my most annoying holiday list.

What ranks above it? Well, here’s a rundown of my most hated holidays in order of hatred:

Christmas
Valentine’s Day
New Years Eve
Martin Luther King Day
Hallowe’en
St. Patrick’s Day
President’s Day
Columbus Day
Arbor Day
Good Friday

Why do I “dislike” such a fun holiday like Hallowe’en?

Well frankly I find the whole costume obsession a teensy bit annoying. Some people get Really into the whole costume thing. To a point that’s admirable- but beyond that?

Annoying.

Then there are costume parties, costume contests, spending more time constructing an outfit than you do wearing it, etc.

Annoying.

Sure I’ve done a costume or two before- but I’ve never spent more than ten minutes putting them together.

Ok, maybe 20, but that was just because of damn spirit gum issues.

Hallowe’en also seems to be a time when most gay men and frat boys feel compelled to dress up as women.

Really ugly women.

Guys clomping around in ginormous heels, goodwill dresses, polyester wigs and pancake makeup is not fresh or clever. It’s just…

Annoying.

And also surprisingly similar to the drag shows at my local gay bar (ooooo, snap! Oh no he di-int!)

And don’t get me started on children Trick-or-Treaters and Hallowe’en. That whole thing had been ruined.

Schools have “autumn festivals” now and kids are sent home with a list of preapproved, politically correct, inoffensive costume choices.

And helicopter parents now take their little brats to “safe” treating at malls and shit. And nobody makes the kids tell a joke anymore to get the goods.

When I was a kid, I was sent outing blackface, armed with a few tasteless jokes, and told not to come home until an hour after dark or my bag was full.

Real Trick-or-Treating doesn’t exist anymore.

The only reason hallowe’en isn’t higher on my ‘annoyance list’ is that it is still a pagan celebration that jabs a thumb in the eye of Christians and Jehovah’s witnesses everywhere.

Next year (if I’m invited to any sort of a hallowe’en party after this rant) I already have my costume chosen…

I’m going as Santa.

Random Survey for the Bored

Ok, so I’m stealing this meme thing from Rubright, who stole it from YvesPaul, who stole it from…

I’m up early with the goddamn time change, and I needed something to do while burning copious amounts of CDs into my computer.

What is on your Desktop Wallpaper?

A closeup image of two men in art deco style from some metal building decoration… I think its from Rockefeller Center in NYC.  The men look like they are fucking.  One is behind the other, naked torsos, and the looks on their faces ….

What is your favorite zoo animal?

The Giraffe.  They look so graceful and elegant… and nice!  You never hear stories about giraffes going wild and attacking people.  I just wanna pet one sometime– or put mascara on those lashes!

What was your favorite toy as a child?

I had many.  But my favorite single item was a red, Lamborghini Countach matchbox car.  I played with that thing until the delicious lead paint wore off.

What food do you eat too much of?

Bread.  In any form, but especially bagels.  I eat bread like its going out of style.

What kind of hairstyle do you have?

Whatever kind I decide to cut it into.  I’ve done lots of different iterations from bald to mohawk to fauxhawk, etc.  But mostly its just preppy short.

What was your favorite gymclass activity?

Even though I loathed gym, I think my favorite activity was running.  That way I didn’t have to interact with anyone and I wasn’t being humiliated in any way.  Although for a time I did like Dodge Ball (I would feign getting hit, and then go sit down for the remainder of the game and never re-enter.  This worked like a charm until the PE teachers caught on).

What is on the shirt you are wearing right now?

The Cavaliers Drum and Bugle Corps logo.

What is the nearest picture to you of?

It is a horror photograph depicting a child looking at a clown standing behind a sheet on a laundry line.  You can only see the clown’s feet and a balloon, and the shadow outline of the clown on the sheet.  The clown has claws for hands.  The title of the piece is “After dark, my sweet.”

What kind of salad dressing do you like?

I used to be a 1000 Island guy, but I got burnt out on it.  Now I like Blue Cheese and 1000 Island has been relegated to a condiment to be used on burgers and sandwiches.

What is your least favorite food?

Any kind of animal organ meat.  Brains, heart, liver, tongue… can’t do any of that shit.

What do you do on a Sunday night?

Cry.

If you could use only one condiment on your food the rest of your life, what would it be?

Mustard.  Any kind of mustard.  I loves me some mustard!  I have like 8 different kinds in my fridge right now.

What color are your bedsheets?

Burgundy/wine colored.  600 threadcount, if you must know. My ass doesn’t sleep on anything less.  And I sleep naked.

How big is your computer display?

Well, if they are still measured diagonally, then mine is a 22″ display.

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?

Black, Dr Martens with the traditional sole.  They are very comfy, very non-slip and work quite well in my  grubby, oily, greasy work environment.  And no, I don’t mean my bedroom either!

What is your favorite game?

I like card games.  500 is a particular favorite since we play that for money at work sometimes.  But I also like Trivial Pursuit- or any sort of trivia games.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving Food?

Betty Rasmussen’s Cheesy-Mustard Cauliflower Casserole.  We have it every year and it seriously ROCKS!

What is your favorite Pizza topping?

All I will say about this subject is that I don’t even consider it to be pizza unless there are like 6 toppings on it.

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?

Same bat-time as always: 6:40 am.

What is your favorite day of the year?

December 26th.  I’m SO fucking glad when all the hoopla is OVER for the year!  Seriously, Christmas now drags on for 2.5 months and its nauseating.  Plus I take some sick, twisted pleasure in how deflated everyone looks, and how sad and trashed everything is… like New Orleans after Mardi Gras.

Li’ Bastard Comix (Halloweenie Edition)

Theeeey’re Baaa-aaack!

Enjoy, and have fun bastardizing the final one for me!!! I think it has good potential…