Having recently finished a book (“Evil Genius”- which I quite enjoyed), I found myself casting about for a new book to start. I simply MUST have something to read each night to help me drift off to sleep.
To help fill my literary void, I was lent a novel from someone who shall remain nameless. Again, I would like to stress the fact that I did NOT purchase this book. I was simply bored and it was handy.
It’s called “Divas Las Vegas”. Here’s the fabulous cover art:
Let me just go on record by saying that this is quite possibly the worst novel I have ever read. Or at least ’started’ to read.
Seriously, it’s so bad I think it gave me anthrax.
And I’m only 15 pages in!
Now, I do feel somewhat… conflicted… about shitting on a fellow “community” member, especially when Mr. Rosen has managed to do something that’s on my dream list (aka publish a novel). But honestly, the shitting has to be done– if for no other reason than to protect other unsuspecting gay readers out there.
Judging by the cover (completely justified in this case), you can just tell it’s going to be some sort of trashy, modern, gay pulp novel. But as we all know, there’s trashy… and then there’s garbage.
This is the latter.
Allow me to regale you with some direct quotes, if I may.
“The first surprise was the arrival of an entire minicasino, complete with dreamy card dealers and ravishingly handsome bartenders. All of whom, apparently, knew Justin in some way or another. My guess, if history is any indication, was that he had slept with a good number of them. My best friend was an easy lay. Sometimes this worked in my favor. Just you wait and see how.”
Just you wait and see how?? ‘Nilla, please.
As cringe-inducing as that paragraph was (and trust me, this was only one example of MANY), I forced myself to keep reading. I was only on page 14 after all. It surely had to get better… it just had to!
But just when you think it’s safe to go back in the water:
“Now that my hands were full, I looked up for the first time at the waiting Blackjack dealer. Heaven, it seemed, was missing an angel. I set my drink down, I set the chips down, and my stomach sank down to my feet. Yu-fucking-ummy. Chris (it said it on his name badge) was five-seven, blonde hair, deep, dark eyes, and, be still my heart, he had a light tuft of chest hair peeking out over his collar. He was thin and tight and oh so stunning. And he was smiling right at me with his dazzling pearly whites.”
Yu-fucking-ucky.
Coincidentally, this is also when the anthrax alarm sounded in my bedroom.
Yes, I realize that he’s writing in a particular voice; he’s attempting to be all folksy/chummy and hip-tastically gay. But for the love of J.K. Rowling, ENOUGH!
I mean, this isn’t “Twilight” ya know!
Can’t there be just a straightforwardly written gay fiction novel? Do they all have to sound as if they were lifted from the “The Writing Homosexual’s Guide to Really Gay, Gay Cliches”? Christ, I’ve read Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest entries that were less heavy-handed!
Normally, I will complete any novel I start regardless of how difficult it is for me to wade through. I feel I at least owe the author that much. Hell, ”Wuthering Heights” took me nearly two years to finish because I hated every fucking sentence of that book and kept putting it down for months at a time.
But still I perservered.
However, if any dick-sucking vampires suddenly make an appearance in this book, so help me I WILL burn the thing to ashes without so much as a second thought.
P.S. Kyle “Nameless”, I still can NOT believe you paid good money for this.
