Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Here’s a little present for y’all! You’re welcome.

Merry XXXmas, Eve

I’m lounging at Dad’s place, where he has the latest Playboy magazine out on the coffee table.

Naturally I “snatched” it up immediately.

Dad’s been a devout Playboy subscriber since before I was born.

And I must admit… I, too, love it’s glossy goodness.

Ah– the memories…

I remember finding my Dad’s stash of Playboys in our basement when I was a wee lad. There were stacks and stacks of them from the 60’s and 70’s.

My friends liked coming over so we could sneak peeks at the naked ladies with their pointy boobies and furry crotches.

Truthfully though, I always liked the “sex in cinema” pictorials, because sometimes they had men in them.

Unfortunately, one basement cleaning frenzy from mother saw the sad demise of the Playboy collection.

After that, it was down to just the occasional Playboy left out in the back of magazine basket.

Then it was down to the hidden Playboys in my Dad’s underwear drawer for my viewing pleasure.

And then it was all about the hidden Playgirls in my Mom’s closet (but that’s a story for another post)!

Anyway, to this day I have a certain fondness for Playboy. I actually DO like the articles and interviews. And the jokes. AND the Forum section.

And I also look at the pictorials– mainly to see how good the boob jobs are. Oh, and to see what interesting hair patterns the girls are leaving on their twats these days.

(Note to Tara Reid– please stop showing off your goodies. Nobody’s interested anymore.)

P.S. If you ever come to my house, I have the 50th anniversary Playboy in my underwear drawer. In case you are looking.

Mother Nature Wears a Strap-On

And it’s hard and sandpapery.

I’m heading to the smack-dab middle of Iowa.  (Iowa is the one with the breast on the right side– also the one with the big swath of pink running through it).

Where I’m heading is under a freezing rain/ice warning as well as a winter storm warning.  For the next couple days.  Yay.

Originally I was planning on driving to Iowa on Thursday morning.  Unfortunately that’s right during the worst of the winter storm.

Fortunately, I’m on vacation so I can leave early– like today.  In a couple hours.

Unfortunately, that means more time at home with family.

I just hope the roads stay clear.  Not only for me, but for the thousands of other travelers trying to get home this holiday.

I’ll keep you posted.

Oh, and Merry Xmas to everyone! I hope everyone has a great holiday and gets everything they want- whether it’s some electronic gadget or just a good time with family.  I’ll try to post something tomorrow from my phone.

Avatar(!)

And when I say “Avatar(!)” I’m using jazz hands for emphasis.

So yes, Kyle and I saw Avatar(!) in 3-D(!) yesterday.  My one sentence review?

“It wasn’t quite as long as Ghandi, but the message was essentially the same.”

I’m not even going to post a *** spoiler alert*** warning, as I don’t think there is anything I can give away that would ruin the movie.  The movie unabashedly uses every storytelling cliche in the book.

Visually it was a pretty darn cool film.  Lots of color, lots to look at, lots to keep your eye amazed.  And the 3-D was used very well, although one or two times it was too “apparent” for me and it pulled my focus from the story.

Oh… and the story.  Hmmmm.

The way I put it to Kyle afterwards was “The only thing missing from that movie were Ewoks.”

I could have sworn the movie was written by George Lucas AND James Cameron… with brainstorm notes from Steven Spielberg concerning aliens.

It was epic battle of good vs evil, AND corporate greed vs the people, AND developers vs environmentalists, AND hi-tech war machine vs low-tech indigenous people, AND Military vs Scientists, AND cripples vs able bodies, AND well meaning scientists vs the mistrusting Na’vi.  AND AND AND.  Seriously, the only conflict not included were the Jets vs the Sharks.

Or gays vs straights.

The movie also had the cliche montages of “learning” and the whole ‘flying as a euphemism for lovemaking’ thing.

Yeah, the movie has a lot going on.

And honestly, I probably could have gotten past the whole “kitchen sink” aspect (because I do love the epic good vs evil battles) if it had only managed to grab me and touch my heart.

Instead, all it did was sort of touch me inappropriately like a molesting uncle.

I just never believed Jake Sully’s duplicitous nature (feeding the military intel while becoming Na’Vi).  I mean, WHY did he do it??  There’s no “angry cripple” or “cripple without a heart” aspect that makes you believe he could be so cold and calculating.  Therefore, I didn’t ever buy into his “transformation”, if there even was one as he never showed us there was much there to transform in the first place.

It really never felt like his character grew.  Like he was sorry for helping to bring down the Na’vi.  Like he regretted his past behavior.  Like he learned the true meaning of Christmas.

I also thought his relationship with the other scientists was just to “pat” and undeveloped.  Jake Sully went from total outsider to totally accepted faster than you can say “3-foot Loincloth”.

Plus I gotta say I absolutely hate the name for the rare element they are trying to mine:  unobtanium.  I’m usually all for puns, but this one is just… meh.

At least the visuals were stunning, and the villains were… appropriately villainy (if completely cliche).

All in all, you should still see it while it’s in the theaters.

L.B.C. (12 daze of Xmas edition)

Here they are folks- the last comix before the holidays. I may do a batch before new years… But maybe not.

I hope these tide y’all over. And don’t forget to bastardize the lady one as usual!

-xxx oo. cb

Sassy Bastard

This weeks caption winner is a real sassy bear– Sean over at Idle Eyes and a Dormy blog!

Congrats!

Christmas “Bitch”

Ok, we’ve all heard of ‘Christmas Wish’ before. But I’d like to start a tradition called “Christmas Bitch”.

It’s where you get to bitch about something you hate about this holiday season and get it off your chest.

You KNOW you want to. Everyone has something about this time of year they don’t like.

C’mon! It’s easy!!

I’ll go first.

I hate the stress of trying to figure out how best to divide my time between my divorced parents.

Who gets Christmas eve?? Who gets Christmas day? And for how long? An what about meals– who gets what meal at what time?

Seriously, it kills whatever scrap of holiday spirit I may have had.

So now you! What don’t you like about the Kristmahanukwaanzdiwaliolstice Season?

Stocking Stuffer

I know I posted a huge list of things I want for Christmas. But those were under the tree type gifts.

THIS is what I want stuffing my stocking!

Why-ku Wednesday

Dear Mountain Climbers
Why should we rescue your ass?
You just waste money.

*Rant Mode On*

Ok, so earlier this week there was a balls out search for two missing climbers on Mt. Hood.

People searching, patrols, blackhawks helicopters, infrared units, the whole shebang.

They called off the search yesterday because of whiteout conditions on the mountain.

What a fucking waste of money!

And these missing folks are (were) “experienced climbers”, too.

If they’re so goddamned experienced, why the fuck were they climbing a motherfucking mountain when bad weather was moving in??

And better yet– why are we the taxpayers being forced to pay out the wazoo for their bad decision making??

I’m sorry, but I think if you are one of these outdoor nutjobs that likes to hike in the wilderness alone or climbs mountains in the winter or enjoys skiing off the trails, then tough titty if you get in trouble.

You made the decision to be all risky and shit, so don’t expect us to drop everything and waste tax dollars coming to your rescue.

YOU got yourself into the mess, YOU get yourself out.

If you survive, then it’s yippie skippy for you. If you become a bear Popsicle then it’s yippie skippy for us.

And Charles Darwin.

Stupidity does not need to waste any more tax dollars than it already does.

*Rant Mode Off*

Ho Ho… Oh!

As most of you already know, I hate clowns.  I think they are creepy and hiding something sinister behind the baggy clothes and makeup.

Ish!

But only slightly less creepy is Santa himself.

I mean, he a morbidly obese man in a dirty velvet costume, he sneaks into your home via a chimney,  he knows if you are sleeping or awake, knows if you’ve been naughty or nice… who IS this demon?  GET OUT OF MY MIND!!

Plus he smokes.

Oh, in case you were wondering about my personal Creepiness Hierarchy, it is as follows:

1. Scary Clowns
2. Santa Claus
3. Regular Clowns
4. Drag Queens
5. Mimes

I know there are many websites devoted to creepy Santas and such, but I wanted to spread the cheer on my little corner of the interwebs.  Plus, ’tis the season you know.

So here are some Santa Claus photos for your enjoyment.  I give them all a “Creep Factor” too.

Creepy Factor: 8.  It’s the eyes.  I think this is what Charles Manson would look like with a white beard.  And I’m just sure the hat is hiding a swastika tattoo.

Creep Factor: 7.  He just looks like someone’s dirty grandpa to me.  Plus, what’s with the “I’m gonna get ya!” pose?  It ain’t supposed to be Santa Claws!

Creep Factor: 5.  Why are you crying, little Santa man in drag?

Creep Factor: 9.  OMG!  Leer much, Mr. Pedophile??  Geesh! 

Creep Factor: 7.  What’s with those glasses?  Santa doesn’t wear 1970’s saf-t-glasses!  And he certainly doesn’t make the kids sit on the floor between his legs and cry.

Creep Factor: 4.  Drunk Factor: 9.

Creep Factor: 8.  Sling Blade Factor: 10.

Creep Factor: 9.  Here’s another leering Santa– only this one looks like he just found something to serve with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Creep Factor: 6.  Unlike “crying game” Santa, this one is just a tad too jolly.  “Ho ho ho yeah cry for me!  CRY!”

Creep Factor: 7.  He looks like a decent enough Santa, but what the fuck is going on in the front of those pants??  Oh, and little girl?  I know  what you are looking at… and Jesus does too!

Creep Factor: 9.5.  I like to call this one “Cadaver Santa”.  There is just something majorly “off” about him.  I can’t put my finger on it… nor do I want to.

Creep Factor: Perfect 10.  This motherfucker is full-on weird!  Is that makeup?  Is it a plastic mask??  I have no idea what is going on here with Alien Santa, but it creeps me the fuck OUT!